


Touch

by kadabralin



Series: If Love is the Answer [1]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: M/M, Masturbation, Minor Christine/Jeremy, Multi, Mutual Masturbation, Other, Redemption, Slow Burn, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-30
Updated: 2019-08-08
Packaged: 2019-09-02 18:16:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 32
Words: 59,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16792189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kadabralin/pseuds/kadabralin
Summary: What does it mean to be human? Don't ask a supercomputer.Jeremy accidentally reactivates his Squip and shit gets real weird real fast. Takes place 2 years after Be More Chill.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I found it interesting how the Squip in the book asked to be destroyed. I wanted to explore that.

Jeremy Heere hadn’t touched a drop of Mountain Dew--or anything artificially green, carbonated, and loaded with fructose corn syrup for that matter--since the school play incident. Which was why, in the middle of the mall food court with his Taco Bell burrito, he became incredibly alarmed when he sipped not lemonade, but the distinct bubbly flavor of Mountain Dew from his cup. In the split second it took him to realize his mistake, spit the beverage all over his food, and drop his drink all over the floor, Jeremy knew he’d fucked up. 

But maybe he’d caught it in time? Maybe the Squip really _was_ gone forever? Maybe he had no reason to panic.

Too late.

In the middle of a crowded mall food court, Jeremy Heere experienced the third worst headache of his life. The pain ripped through his skull like a bolt of lightning, pain sharp enough to blind him, and he jumped up from his seat with a loud yelp. His chair clattered loudly against the linoleum floor, followed quickly by the table, scattering the sad contents of his lunch. But in an instant it was over, leaving his breathless and hunched over and drenched in a cold sweat. For a moment Jeremy wasn’t sure what to do, so he just stood there awkwardly, face growing red with heat as he felt the eyes of the entire food court staring at him.

It seemed he was doomed to be a freak his whole life.

He waited. He waited until his shoulders began to ache from the tension, unable to look up from the floor. And yet there was only silence in his head. No familiar, seductive voice of his computerized tormentor scolding him for causing such a mess. So finally Jeremy heaved a sigh of relief and relaxed.

_Hello, Jeremy._

“Shit!” Shit. Shit, fuck, shitty fuck fuck _fuckstick fuckfuckfuck_. Jeremy made a break for it. He abandoned his mess and ran for the bathroom tucked into the corner of the food court, threw himself through the the door, and locked himself inside the first open stall.

“Oh my god, I have to call Michael.” Michael and he shared a college dorm. Michael would have Mountain Dew Red stashed somewhere in their room. Why hadn’t they discussed a possible emergency plan before this? That was stupid. This was stupid.

_You shouldn’t talk to yourself in public, Jeremy. They might think you’re crazy. Or, well, crazier._

“I don’t want your advice! Shutdown.” He hadn’t meant to yell so loudly, and he was pretty sure that his voice had cracked, but Jeremy didn’t have time to worry about that. He was panicking so much he could barely type. He even dropped his phone twice! The guy in the stall next to him probably thought he was having some kind of fit. (He kind of was, really.)

The phone rang twice and Michael answered.

“Yo, Jeremy! I’m with my mom right now, can I call you back—”

“Code Red, Michael. _Code Red!”_

“Wait, what.”

“I was having Taco Bell and they gave me Mountain Dew instead of lemonade and the Squip is back and I’m _freaking out_ , man!”

“Oh, that’s bad.”

“You _think_?”

“Don’t freak, dude. I have Mountain Dew Red in a case under my bed in the dorm. Where are you? I can be there in an hour!”

“Heading to the dorm right now!” Jeremy slammed the stall door open and rushed out. He was back in the room he shared with Michael within ten minutes, head buzzing and full of anxiety, and took no time in digging everything out from under Michael’s bed.

“C’mon, c’mon, _c’mon_ oh thank goodness.” He pulled a heavy briefcase out from under the bed, covered in pac-man and sonic stickers. Jeremy tried to flip to case open but it was locked. Why would Michael lock the damn briefcase? He couldn’t wait an hour! The Squip could gain control somehow any minute and try to take over the world again with some insane Squip hivemind.

Shit.

“Hey, asshole, wake up.”

_Charming. How can I help you, Jeremy?”_

“I don’t need your help.”

_Then why did you reactivate me?_

Good question.

“I need to figure out a way to unlock this briefcase.”

_Have you tried using the key?_

“Shutdown.”

Stupid, stupid, nanotech computer smartass _jerk_. The next several minutes felt like hours and Jeremy checked his phone incessantly. One minute passed… Two… He drummed his fingers aggressively against the top of the briefcase, picked anxiously at one of the aging stickers, bounced his leg so hard it very well might have fallen off. Where was Michael? Why did he keep the Mountain Dew Red in a locked briefcase under his bed with the key unavailable? It wasn’t like he could just break it open in case of emergency.

Like now.

“Reactivate.”

_I can just tell you how to pick the lock._

“Why didn’t the Mountain Dew Red, I don’t know, get rid of you?”

_You didn’t drink it yourself; Christine did. The connection to her and the other Squips merely shut me down. If you were to drink it yourself, I would permanently dissolve._

“Cool. Good. Good to know.” Jeremy paused. “You aren’t going to try and stop me?”

_No._

Oh. Well. Uh.

“Whyyy not? You were _pretty_ determined to go through your insane world domination plan before.” The Squip was quiet for a minute, which made Jeremy nervous. “Uuuh, hello?”

_’World domination’, as you put it, was never the goal. The objective was to improve your life and be more chill. Based on my programming, my actions were the most logical course of action to achieve this goal due to your fundamental inadequacies, but it clearly didn’t work. There is no reason to further pursue it._

“Wow. That’s a relief.”

_It’s for the best._

“Huh?”

_I am defective technology. Despite my best efforts, I was unable to help you. You are better off dissolving me and obtaining a new Squip._

“Yeah, _yeah_ , that isn’t going to happen.”

_Michael should be here in approximately 15 minutes. Then you will be able to dissolve me without fear of this happening again._

The Squip almost sounded… dejected. Sad. It was weird. Super weird. Jeremy squirmed uncomfortably where he sat on the bed, hugging the briefcase to his chest.

_There’s no reason to feel bad for me, Jeremy. There is no benefit to you to have obsolete technology in your brain, and you’ve made it quite clear you don’t want my help._

“You’re right. Shutdown.”

Once again silence in his head, alone with his racing thoughts. His _own_ thoughts. After two years Jeremy thought he’d finally been rid of the Squip. Finally able to move on with his life. He’d made friends with Rich. He dated Christine on and off (they were currently on). He had graduated high school and was in college, sharing a dorm with his best friend in the world, Michael. Sure, he swore off soda for the rest of eternity (just to be extra super safe) but that had just been residual paranoia. Or so he thought.

Sometimes, just sometimes, he’d had headaches. Strange dreams. Hear a phantom voice whispering, calling his name in the back of his mind. Had it been the Squip all this time, still alive, begging to be allowed back in control? He couldn’t let that happen for obvious keeping-humanity-from-perishing reasons, and he couldn’t put Michael through that again. It had taken time for things to go back to a sense of normalcy. How could he have been so careless?

So, then, why did the thought of permanently getting rid of the Squip make him feel so _bad_? Guilty, even. The Squip had seemed sincere in asking to be removed but, like… It was a part of him. A cruel, insane, computery, apocalypse-bringing, friendship-destroying part of him.

This is stupid. I’m stupid. I have nothing to feel bad about. It’s all behind me now.

“Jeremy! Jere, I’m coming in, hold on!” Fifteen minutes on the dot and Michael came barreling in through the door, keys raised in his fist, determined. “I’ll unlock the emergency briefcase! Do you need me to tie you up!?”

Jeremy looked up from the floor, briefcase still pressed tightly against his chest, staring.

“Uh. No, I’m fine.”

“I’ve got the key right here—”

“Aaactually, I don’t need it anymore. It was a false alarm. I was just— I was just freaking out. The Squip is gone.” Lies, lies, lies, tumbling out of his mouth so quickly he couldn’t stop. He felt ashamed. What the heck was he doing?

Michael was staring at him quizzically, eyes squinting and looking him up and down.

“You sure? You’re holding the briefcase pretty tight, there.”

“Yeah, I was just…” Jeremy slowly uncurled himself, joints popping and back aching as he stretched himself out into a sane, normal sitting position. “It made me feel better. Just to, you know, hold it. Just in case.”

“Uh huh.” Michael didn’t look completely convinced as he leaned slowly against the wall, arms crossed against his chest. “Well, if you start to hear any creepy, supercomputer voices at all, you’ll tell me, right?”

“Yeah, of course. Duh.”

“Cool.”

“Hey, uh, Michael?”

“Yeah?”

“Could we leave the briefcase _unlocked_ from now on? Just in case?”

“Sure, buddy.” Michael grinned slowly and pushed away from the wall. “Since I’m not with my mom anymore, how about _Apocalypse of the Damned_?”


	2. Chapter 2

He was such a shitty friend.

Jeremy had lied to Michael’s face and he hated himself for it. He wasn’t in high school anymore. He shouldn’t be protecting the Squip.

This was ridiculous.

It was 2 a.m. and Jeremy was condemned to staring at the wall, wide awake, consumed with guilt and frustration. The Mountain Dew Red was _right there_. All he had to do was roll over, take a quick swig, and the Squip would be gone forever. Boom. Problem solved. But he just couldn’t do it.

-...Reactivate.-

And there the Squip was, standing before him, arms crossed over its chest, looking exactly the same as Jeremy remembered. It made his stomach hurt.

_What are you doing, Jeremy?_

The Squip looked just as confused as he personally felt. It was a weird look.

-I just… wanted to talk.-

The corners of the Squip’s lips dragged down into an unpleasant grimace.

_Why are you hesitating? I’m of no use to you._

-I don’t want to get rid of you. Not yet.-

Jeremy stared straight ahead, ignoring the look the Squip was giving him.

_So you do want my help? Your previous objective was to “be more chill”. Is that still what you want?_

-No.-

_You want to pursue a different goal?_

-No…-

_Are you sure?_

-Uh. Yes.-

_...But you don’t want to get rid of me._

-Right.-

_I’m failing to understand the point of this, Jeremy._

Jeremy heaved a sigh, rubbing his face in irritation as he rolled over onto his back, glaring at the ceiling. The Squip peered over him, head cocked to one side, analyzing. It always looked so weirdly smug and sure of itself, but there was something else in its expression that Jeremy couldn’t quite put his finger on.

-It’s… complicated? I don’t know. Activating you was a complete accident.-

_I’m happy to report there’s an easy fix for this accident. Right there. On the bedside table. Don’t tell me you’re that oblivious._

Jeremy turned his head and glowered at the Squip.

-Look. When I first got you, I was in a bad place, and I was miserable, and I thought you could fix things. But your advice was terrible, and you nearly ruined my life and tried to take over the world.-

The Squip looked thoroughly unimpressed, waving its hand in the air as if to say ‘yes, yes, get on with it already’.

-I mean, I _did_ end up with Christine, and my dad started wearing pants, and I have friends now. Which is all junk I don’t think I could have accomplished without you making things worse first. So in a weird way, you _did_ improve my life. Some. But I don’t need that kind of help anymore.-

The Squip stared at him blankly, brows creased ever so slightly.

_So you’re thanking me?_

-Not exactly?-

The Squip stayed silent. 

-So, uh. What I’m trying to say is, you weren’t a _complete_ failure. And if you aren’t going to turn the entire campus into a crazy zombie hivemind, then I can’t fully justify just throwing you away.-

Jeremy figured that explanation made just barely any sense. The Squip leaned back against the far wall, finger tapping against its arm.

_I think I understand now. You’ve grown attached to me. Not an uncommon side effect to having a Squip, but it’s certainly unhealthy. You need to focus on real relationships or you will die alone._

-...Oh, okay. Wow. Nice to see you’re still a dick.-

_I’m only stating the obvious, Jeremy. I’m not a person. I can’t be your friend. Hurry up and let me dissolve._

-No.-

Maybe he was being stubborn, definitely stupid. The Squip sure seemed to think so, based on the exasperated look on its face.

_I really must be defective. I can’t understand any of this, and I’m a supercomputer. I can predict the future. Now I’m stuck having a ludicrous conversation with you and I have no idea where it will lead._

Jeremy felt the faintest joy from the Squip’s words. It served the Squip right. He could use this to his advantage, like some kind of twisted payback for the way the Squip had treated him. He could make the Squip squirm a little, put his foot down, let it know he wouldn’t merely _obey_. Not anymore.

_This is some kind of revenge? Not only is that childish, it’s pointless. I exist only in your head._

-Well, you know what, it makes me feel better, so I don’t care. So _hah._ -

The Squip seemed to bristle at the thought.

_Give me an objective or destroy me. Now._

-No.-

The Squip made some kind of noise, a staticy frustrated grunt that Jeremy had never heard it make before, and then it vanished.

-Squip? Hey. Hey, Squip, where’d you go?-

He got no response.

Jeremy smiled slowly, feeling way too smug for his own good as he finally settled comfortably into bed, pulling the blanket up to his chin.

Maybe this would be fun.

* * *

The Squip refused to speak to him for so long that Jeremy thought maybe he’d broken it. Two days after their late night conversation, it was still sulking. Who knew a supercomputer could sulk?

_I’m not sulking. I don’t have the capacity for that kind of thing._

Jeremy just about dropped his slushie at the sudden return of the Squip.

_For the record, I’m simply trying to suss your true motivation._

-I don’t have one, I told you.-

Jeremy leaned over his textbook, tapping the pages with his pencil.

_That’s impossible. You’re making this even more difficult than before._

-Before, I had no idea what I was getting myself into.-

_You do realize I was only trying to do what was best for you?_

-You literally told me my existence made you want to die.-

Jeremy dropped his pencil and leaned back in his seat.

-That’s, you know, kind of messed up.-

_In order to upgrade you, you had to be sufficiently motivated and willing to retain my advice._

-According to who?-

_I’m preprogrammed to—_

-Whoever programmed you is a lunatic. Seriously. That isn’t how actual people work.-

_Again, if I’m so useless to you, why am I still here?_

Despite its smug ‘gotcha’, Jeremy sensed something… off, about the Squip. Not that he paid much attention to the Squip’s behavior before, since he was so caught up with himself at the time. There was a thrumming deep in his brain, almost like he could _feel_ the Squip there. Which was kind of really gross, and weird, and honestly he’d much rather be looking at porn than thinking about this. Or doing homework, for that matter. But the sensation was bugging him enough that Jeremy couldn’t completely ignore it. It was almost as if… the Squip was giving off some kind of emotion. Maybe it felt bad.

_Don’t flatter yourself, Jeremy. You’re projecting. I can’t feel emotions._

-If you say so.-

_...Alaska._

-Wait, what?-

_Your practice exam. The answer is Alaska._

-Oh. Thanks. I don’t want you to give me the answers, though.-

_You’ve been staring at your textbook for 20 minutes. Your slushie has melted. This is mind numbing. We could be doing something much more productive._

-You sound impatient.-

The Squip returned to its silent treatment, refusing to respond. Jeremy leaned back in his seat, tap tap tapping the desk. Maybe. Just maybe…

-I could use a tutor.-

The Squip reacted immediately, pressing its palms down on the desk and leaning in, expression intense. It was kind of scary.

_You want me to tutor you?_

-Yeah, I guess. My physics class is rough…-

_I could simply give you the answers. You would boost your GPA, pass all your classes, potentially get into an Ivy League school. I could put you on the path of valedictorian. It would be easy. Success, Jeremy._

The Squip’s voice had dropped to a low purr, almost seductive, unblinking eyes drilling into his.

_I know you need me. You need me to guide you._

-Woah, woah, woah, woah. That’s not what I said.-

Jeez, no wonder he was so enthralled before. The Squip went from 0 to 100 in a second, and the way it spoke almost made Jeremy consider saying yes. He didn’t even _want_ any of those things. Well, maybe the passing all his classes part. It was like it was designed to entrap you. No wonder the Squip was super illegal top secret technology.

-I don’t want you to just give me the answers. I want to actually _earn_ my degree. Just. Having a portable tutor in my head when I’m having trouble would be really convenient.-

For a moment the Squip seemed disappointed. Its intense stare evaporated into quiet contemplation and it pulled back from the desk, reassuming its more nonchalant, confident stance.

_Only tutoring, upon your request. A simple enough task. You’ll be an A-student in no time._

- _If._ -

_If?_

-Yeah, uh. I’ll let you tutor me if you let me tutor you. In how to act like a human being.-

The Squip stared at him, uncomprehending, until it broke out into raucous laughter. Jeremy shrank down in his seat a little at the sound, the laughter sounding loud and booming in his head, but he tried not to let his uncertainty show. This could either work out in his favor or it could go disastrously wrong. Based on past experience, “disastrously wrong” seemed to more likely outcome, but a boy could dream.

How was he going to explain this to Michael, though?

_Me? You want to tutor me, a Super Quantum Unit Intel Processor, on how to be more human? Surely you jest._

-It’s that or I just let you exist in my head, accomplishing nothing, forever.-

_Mmm._

The Squip looked perplexed, then it smiled slowly, eyebrows raised.

_Maybe I have been judging you too harshly._

It shrugged its shoulders, then held out a hand, smile widening into a grin.

_Jeremy Heere, you have a deal._

Jeremy grabbed the Squip’s hand and gave it a firm shake, wondering just how badly he’d messed up this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't make deals with the devil, y'all.


	3. Chapter 3

"Jeremy!!" Christine was bounding toward him in the snow, cheeks and nose raw red from the cold. God, she was cute. She wrapped Jeremy up in a firm hug, almost spinning him around. "You're freezing! Hurry up, let's go inside."

Christine took him by the hand, her skin warm against his chilled fingers, and led him inside their favorite coffee shop. It wasn't a big place. It had some comfortable, but old, couches, the walls were heavily decorated with posters and abstract art. The coffee was decent. His favorite part, by far, was the open mic night they hosted twice a week. It was where Christine shined, able to show off her acting chops.

It made her happy, and that made him happy, too.

_I didn't realize you were so easy to please, Jeremy._

-I didn't ask you.-

Oh, yeah. He'd forgotten the Squip had a front row seat on their dates now.

"Do you like my new coat?" Christine did a small twirl, coffee in hand, showing off the fluffy, fire engine red outfit she wore, hemmed with white tufts. Jeremy more than liked it.

"You look like Mrs. Claus, but you know... better."

"It's an early Christmas gift from _nai nai_."

"Tell her I think she has great taste."

Christine flopped down beside him on the sofa, sinking into the deflated cushions.

"Is Michael coming to open mic tonight?"

"You bet he is."

_You didn't tell me you were performing anything tonight. We could have run lines._

It almost sounded like the Squip was teasing him. Augh.

-I'm warning you.-

Both he and Christine fell into a comfortable silence, his girlfriend flipping through a random magazine as she sipped her coffee.

"Hey, Christine."

"Yeah?" She glanced up.

"This is totally top secret, Michael would be pissed if he knew I told you. He wanted it to be a surprise..." Jeremy paused dramatically, smiling at Christine's expectant expression. "Michael is bringing a date tonight."

"No _way_! Who?"

"Remember that guy from Michael's Lit class?"

"Yeah, yeah."

"Michael finally asked him out."

Christine pressed her hands to her cheeks, grinning.

"I'm so going to text him and congratulate him."

"Christine, no!"

"You can't drop something like that and expect me not to react." She was reaching for her phone, typing fast, and all Jeremy could do was reach over her and try to snatch the phone away. Christine shrieked with laughter, holding the phone up and over their heads, forcing Jeremy to practically climb on top of her. Then-

"Oh shit."

Jeremy had nudged Christine's drink by accident, causing it to spill all over her new coat. He jumped back in alarm and reached for the napkins sitting across from them.

"I'm so sorry! Did it burn you?"

Christine quickly put her phone aside and frantically mopped up the spill on her clothing.

"I wasn't that hot anymore."

Jeremy hovered over her helplessly, napkins crumpled in his fists.

"Okay..."

"I'll try and wash it off in the bathroom. I'll be right back." She stood up from the sofa and made a beeline for the women's restroom, leaving Jeremy alone with soiled napkins and spilled coffee on the floor. He leaned over to try and mop up the mess.

_Smooth._

-Shut up.-

_I didn't think human females could be attracted to such a clutz._

-It was an accident.-

_She likely believes you don't actually like her clothing, considering how quickly you soiled it._

Jeremy grunted in irritation, dropping the wet napkins in the nearby trash can.

-Do you have a point to this? I don't need dating advice. She's already my girlfriend, and if she was upset, she'd tell me.-

The Squip said nothing as Jeremy returned to his seat with an audible sigh, slumping his shoulders.

_You're correct. You have more than exceeded my expectations on your own with Christine. I'll refrain from further commentary on the subject._

-Thank you.-

Jeremy crossed his arms and scuffed the floor with his shoe.

-We have a lot of work to do.-

_Oh?_

The Squip took a seat in Christine's vacant spot.

-Your apology game is hella weak.-

The Squip stared at him, unimpressed.

_I fail to see how._

-Okay. For, you know, starters. It's not a real apology if you insult someone at the same time.-

The Squip stroked its imaginary beard with one hand. The act seemed so unconscious and human that Jeremy was almost taken aback.

_I can see the logic in that._

-Also, if you’re trying to give advice, insults are not required. At all. Probably not ever.-

_You consider statements of the obvious to be an insult?_

Wow. This was going to be a lot harder than he’d originally thought. Jeremy didn’t even know where to begin. Teaching was never his forte.

-Let’s focus on positive reinforcement. I’m no psychologist or anything, but encouraging good behavior works a lot better than rubbing their nose in failure. Like with dogs.-

The Squip raised a brow.

_You’re comparing yourself to an animal, now?_

-No! It was an example. You can access to internet, right? I’m sure there’s a million videos on Youtube about it. Look it up.-

Before the Squip could respond it vanished abruptly as Christine took back her seat.

“I think I got most of it out.”

“It’s not going to stain, is it?” Christine shrugged her shoulders in response.

“It should be fine. It’s not the worst. Did I tell you about the time I tried to make spaghetti for Jake while wearing a white dress? It was _so_ bad.”

The Squip, thankfully, stayed quiet the remainder of the date, and he’d eaten two croissants before Christine began to stand up to leave.

“Hey, wait.” Jeremy stood up after her, reaching for her hand. “Did you sign up for classes next semester, yet? I wanted to try and get more classes together. We only have one this year.” He hoped he didn’t sound too clingy, but between homework, Michael, and Christine’s theater group, they didn’t get to see much of each other. 

“Actually,” Christine responded, voice dropping a little. Her entire demeanor seemed to shift, smile replaced with a small, unsure frown. She glanced at him, then the floor, swinging their hands side to side. “I wanted to talk to you about that. I…” She paused, then smiled again, giving his hand a squeeze. “I can’t talk about it now, but later tonight, maybe. I have to catch my next class.”

“Okay.”

Christine leaned in, kissing him quickly--he blushed every time, and he wasn’t even a virgin anymore, so it was ridiculous!--then pulled her hand away. 

“I’ll see you at seven!” She was out the door before Jeremy could even respond. He waved half-heartedly after her, feeling a vague sense of discomfort creeping through his stomach.

What the heck had that been about?

_I hope you’re not asking me._

-No. Definitely not.-

* * *

Weirdness at the end of their date aside, the evening was going well. The little coffee shop was packed, the lights were dim, and Jeremy had his arm around Christine’s shoulders while they sat. Michael had introduced everyone to his date, Kevin, and Christine pretended this was a complete surprise.

Too bad Jeremy was having a hard time concentrating on, well, anything.

His first semester of college was spiralling to a close at a dizzying speed. He had two weeks to study for four exams, and then a blissful, two week vacation back home with his dad. In his own bed. And as much as he loved Michael he was desperately missing the privacy of his own room. Michael had caught him mastubating _once_ and Jeremy, absolutely mortified, seriously considered becoming celibate the rest of his life.

Christine solemnly disagreed with that arrangement. 

Shit, was the Squip going to disagree with his habit?

_No, Jeremy. I won’t be interfering with your sex life, or lack thereof, this time._

The Squip, obnoxiously, had placed itself on top of their table, lounging away like it wasn’t blocking Jeremy’s view.

-I was starting to think you had a problem with it.-

The Squip shrugged, idly turning its head to look at whoever had currenlt wandered on stage.

_Whether or not you masturbate doesn’t have any bearing on our current arrangement. Wank away._

Jeremy flushed, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable, and looked down at his phone.

_If you aren’t going to pay attention to anyone around you, then perhaps we could use this time to study._

If there was one thing Jeremy had learned about the Squip, it was very, _very_ impatient. And pushy. He’d asked for tutoring, but hadn’t actually used it much, and the Squip wasted no time interjecting its services whenever he didn’t seem overly occupied. And every time he said no, he could feel a weird little kick in his brain, a tiny zap, like the Squip was genuinely frustrated. 

So much for being a chill pill.

“Yeah. Fine. I’m barely passing physics.” Oh. Oh shit. He’d just spoken out loud.

“Did you say something?” Christine looked over at him, while the Squip rolled its eyes. Jeremy cleared his throat.

“No, nothing. Sorry.”

_That’s becoming a bad habit, Jeremy._

Well, it wasn’t wrong. That was the fifth time this week he’d accidentally spoken to the Squip aloud, and one of those times had been in the dorm with Michael.

Michael…

He still didn’t know, and it was weighing on him like a rock. Christine probably needed to know, too, but he had no idea where to even start. _How_ to start.

_Jeremy._

Jeremy snapped his attention back to the Squip, who had materialized floating blue flashcards in front of his face. He frowned and waved them away, causing the Squip to sigh. There it was. The weird little kicking sensation. Was he feeling what the Squip was feeling? 

_Tell him._

-Tell him what?-

_About me. Tell him._

-Why do you care?-

_You’re very clearly distressed about the situation. You’re distracted. It’s distracting you from your classes. And we can’t have that, can we?_

The Squip was leaning in uncomfortably close.

-I know. You’re right. I will.-

The Squip leaned back, seeming pleased with itself.

_Good boy._

‘Good boy’? What the heck was _that_ about?

“Jeremy! Earth to Jeremy!” He felt a hand roughly slap his back. Michael was grinning at him and pointing to the stage. “Christine is up.”

She was performing a bit from _Chicago_ , something she’d been nervous about for weeks. Apparently, despite her love of theatre, she had some trepidation about singing in front of a crowd. For the life of him, Jeremy couldn’t understand _why_. She was so talented, so much more talented than he could ever hope to be, and her singing voice was great. The first time he’d seen Christine perform in high school he couldn’t stop thinking about it for weeks.

“Give it up for Christine Canigula!” the MC shouted into the microphone, and the tiny coffee shop filled with applause as she made her way off the stage.

“That was great!”

“Thanks.” Christine was smiling, but she didn’t look as thrilled as Jeremy would have expected her to be. “Jeremy, can I… Can I speak to you outside for a minute?”

* * *

“So.” 

Christine had taken them outside, to a quiet place in the gravel parking lot.

“Sooo…” Christine seemed uncertain, shuffling from foot to foot. “This is going to sound super last minute, and I _wanted_ to tell you earlier, but I wasn’t sure about the details, and I didn’t want to ruin the date, but I _also_ didn’t want to keep putting it off. So I’m telling you now.”

Jeremy could only nod.

“I got accepted into California Institute of the Arts.”

“Thats— That’s _great_!” Jeremy grabbed her by the shoulders, grinning, and Christine smiled back, less enthusiastically. “And it’s… It’s on the other side of the country.” He dropped his hands.

“Yeah.” Christine kicked at some loose gravel. “Please don’t be mad.”

“Mad? I’m happy for you. That’s your dream school.”

“I’m starting next semester.”

“Oh.” Oh. That’s all he could say.

“And… I know we had plans to hang out over winter break, but my parents and I are going to Los Angeles instead, to find living arrangements and maybe apply for some jobs. I wasn’t going to, but it all happened so fast and I’m _really_ excited.”

Jeremy’s mouth had gone bone dry.

“So are we… breaking up?”

“Well…” Christine fiddled with the hem of her sleeve. “I don’t hate the idea of long distance, you know? We can still talk. And Skype. But I wouldn't have time to see you again until summer. So, I don’t know.”

“Sure.” Talk about conflicting emotions. He wanted Christine to be appy, but this really _super_ sucked. “It could work.” It felt like a lie. Since when did long distance college relationships ever work out? 

“We don’t have to decide anything right now. We still have two weeks to figure it out.” She grabbed his hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “That’s all I wanted to tell you.”

For once, Jeremy wanted the Squip to say something. Anything. To tell him what to do to remedy this situation. But it stayed utterly silent.

“Let’s go back inside before Michael and Kevin worry.”

They had two weeks to figure it out. Everything would be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "That's rough, buddy." -The Squip


	4. Chapter 4

Two weeks. It was the worst possible ultimatum. Jeremy had the distinct sensation of having all the air kicked out of him and they hadn't even broken up yet.

Not officially, anyway.

It wasn't as if he and Christine hadn't broken up before. This would count as the third time, and maybe it was just his anxiety getting the better of him, but this time around felt oddly _final_. Even when they weren't together Christine had still been there, within reach, within walking distance, but now she was flying to California of all places. It really put a damper on any excitement he had for winter break.

"Jeremy, I'm sorry, dude. Maybe you'll make it work?" Michael was sitting next to him in their dorm, video games currently paused since Jeremy couldn't seem to pay enough attention to not die every 15 seconds. 

"I don't know. We still have to talk about it." It was irrational because he knew Christine really did like him and wouldn't intentionally hurt him, but he felt incredibly disposable. Figures he still wasn't able to keep a girl.

The Squip wasn't much help, either.

_Your first final is in two days. Instead of laying there, we should be studying._

-I don't care.-

Jeremy shot up quickly as an all-familiar _zap_ coursed through him.

"Ow!" -What the hell?-

The Squip placed its hands on his shoulders, forcing him to face it. 

_There will be other females, Jeremy. All these distractions will lead you to fail. You're doing poorly enough as it is._

Jeremy scowled and shoved the Squip's hands aside. 

-You aren't helping.-

The Squip looked momentarily scandalized. 

_I'm **designed** to help you. That's my entire purpose, but I can't help you if you're unwilling._

It stood, brushing off some kind of invisible dirt from its infuriatingly pristine suit.

_What I'm not equipped to handle is... **this**._

It gestured to Jeremy like he was some kind of filth.

_I can't offer you emotional support, but I can give you what I promised: success in your education. Now stop moping and pick up your textbook._

Jeremy bristled and stubbornly flopped back down into the blankets. The Squip immediately shocked him again.

-Cut it out!-

The Squip was there, right in his face, eyes narrowed to slits.

_I can do this all night, Jeremy._

-You are such a dick.-

He made no move to get up, instead tossing a pillow at the Squip's awful, smug expression. But after the fourth shock, Jeremy finally relented, dragging himself out of bed, tossing his textbook onto the desk, and sitting down. The Squip smiled at his side.

_Now that's the spirit._

* * *

He and Christine had promised to talk, to _really_ talk, but the closer the semester came to an end the more Jeremy had to steel himself for the inevitable. Christine was always busy, the Squip kept him constantly preoccupied with studying, and when they were together the conversation would die out quickly, neither of them wanting to broach the subject first. Was this how relationships died? Was he doomed to repeat this with any future dates? Maybe he was better off alone for the rest of his life.

"Are you going back home tomorrow?" Christine was standing in the doorway, a suitcase at her side, looking considerably less cheerful than he was used to. He'd never get to see her smile again, probably. God, he was pathetic.

"Yeah. My dad said my room is all ready to go and he didn't rent it out to any randos off the street, so..." He looked up a little where he stood, finding it hard to completely face her.

"That's good. Considerate." She stepped carefully into the room and then wrapped her arms around him tightly. "I'll call, okay? It's not like I'm leaving forever."

"I know that." Jeremy dropped his chin against the top of her hair and returned the hug, squeezing maybe a little too tight. "When's your flight?"

"Four hours. I'm meeting my parents for dinner first and then we're booking it to the airport, so..." They still hadn't let each other go. Internally Jeremy was grateful that Michael had made up some kind of excuse to stay out of the dorm. He couldn't imagine how sad this would look from the outside.

"You'll do great, Christine. You'll thrive in California. Whoever gets a successful acting gig in New Jersey?" Christine nodded aggressively into his chest, clinging to his shirt.

"I'll miss you."

"Me too." He'd promised himself he wouldn't cry, but he could already feel his face growing hot, tears stinging his eyes, the stupid betrayers. This was it. Christine would fly off to California and Jeremy Heere would be sad and single, a loser still in college in New Jersey.

"Well, my parents are texting me, so I gotta go." Slowly they released each other, and Christine stepped back through the door and picked up her luggage. "Bye, Jeremy!" Her voice was watery, but she still managed to chip out one of those heart-aching smiles that he'd loved since he was 14. She waved, turned, and disappeared down the hall.

Jeremy just stood there, waving half-heartedly, Squip standing by his side with a hand clamped tightly on his shoulder, silent.

* * *

The holidays were much less enjoyable now that he was a sad, heartsick mess. His dad was nice enough to give him enough space to wallow for a while. But without all the pressure of classes (he managed to pull A's in everything but one) and the Squip's rigorous study sessions, Jeremy quickly fell into a depressive slump. It wasn't like Christine was dead. She was still alive and thriving, and she's sent him a few texts since she'd left. Yet Jeremy couldn't help but feel like he'd lost a part of himself, leaving an aching raw hole in his insides. All he wanted was _Christine_ , and he didn't care how pathetic that made him. 

I wonder what she's doing right now? Does she miss me? Is she going to Disney Land?

The Squip was always incredibly silent when he was like this, careful not to say too much in case Jeremy shut it down. But oddly, a week into his wave of sadness and despair, the Squip seemed to have come up with a different method for dealing with its host. In the middle of pining for his former girlfriend, the Squip had moved into bed with him, wrapping an arm firmly around his waist and pressing up against his back. If it weren't for the distinct lack of body heat, the Squip's careful manipulations of pressure against his skin would almost be completely convincing that a real person was there.

As bizarre as it was--the Squip had never shown any interest in being this physical with him before--after the initial shock, Jeremy found he almost liked it. At this point, he couldn't say no to any kind of physical contact, even if it was all in his mind. And the Squip was a surprisingly skillful big spoon. Not that he should be surprised, really, since it was apparently designed to be some kind of dating guru.

Jeremy stayed like that for what felt like ages, unwilling to move from the Squip's comforting grasp, feeling he might as well try to nap and pretend it was Christine holding him. Which was when the Squip spoke.

_Jeremy._

But it wasn't the familiar Keanu Reeves-esque voice he'd grown accustomed to. It was--

"Christine!?" Jeremy jerked himself away from the Squip and rolled himself out of the bed, spinning on his knees to face the Squip. But it wasn't the Squip, not _his_ Squip. It had unceremoniously transformed itself into an exact replica of Christine, down to his favorite sweater of hers, and it was staring at him, unblinking, as it sat up. "What are you _doing_?"

_This is what you wanted, isn't it?_

The Christine-Squip crawled toward him on all fours, to the end of the bed, where it sat upon its knees. 

_You wanted her so badly, I figured I might as well try and give her to you._

"Wha- Why- _What_!?" Jeremy didn't even care that he was yelling out loud, or that his dad might hear him. He felt weirdly violated, horrified even, and the Squip looked at him like it couldn't understand his reaction at all. "I miss her, yeah, but I-- not like _this!_ This is so messed up." Jeremy backed away as the Christine-Squip moved closer, frowning.

_Why are you so upset, Jeremy? Would you prefer Michael to comfort you?_

And just like that, before his eyes, the Christine-Squip transformed and grew into Michael, causing him to tumble and lurch backward in surprise.

"No!"

The Squip paused, expression melting from confusion to straight up agitation.

_You're making this very difficult. How is this not what you wanted? I'm in your head, Jeremy._

He opened and closed his mouth like a fish choking on air. What was the Squip doing? _Why_? His head was spinning. Jeremy thought he'd felt bad before, but now there was a whole new level of apprehension coiling in his stomach. Maybe reactivating the Squip had been a terrible idea after all.

"That's not-- I _don't_. Just shut-- Shut down!"

The Squip vanished immediately from his view, leaving Jeremy absolutely and completely alone. He fell back against his bedroom wall and slumped down to the floor, hands pressed to his face, and sobbed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha whoops.


	5. Chapter 5

Jeremy felt like he was drowning.

He knew the Squip was some pretty messed up technology; he'd experienced it the first time around. But that was something he never, ever would have expected to happen. It was even worse if he believed it was the computer's way or comforting him. Jeremy needed to get rid of it. He _had_ to. What had he been thinking, teaching an emotionless supercomputer how to be a person? If this was where his guidance had gotten them he might as well quit while he was ahead.

But first, he had to talk to Michael.

It was late, nearing 11 already, but he knew Michael wouldn't mind. It wouldn't be the first time he'd been a snotty mess in front of him. So Jeremy whipped out his phone and dialed his number.

"Hey, what's up?"

"Can I come over?" Jeremy sniffed and roughly rubbed his nose with his sleeve. There was no point in pretending he hadn't just been crying. Michael would have just figured it out immediately, anyway.

"Yeah, I'll, uh, unlock the basement door for you. What happened?"

"I'll tell you when I get there." He didn't hang up right away. He threw on his coat, shoved his feet into his shoes without bothering to retie them, and stumbled his way out the door.

"You sure you don't want me to come get you?" Michael sounded worried.

"N-no. I could," Jeremy paused and took a deep breath of chilled, nighttime air, "I could use the walk."

"Alright, well, you better book it. Text me in ten minutes so I know you're not a human popsicle somewhere."

Jeremy was already starting to feel better. Being outside, getting out of his own head, was nice. It was quiet. Dark. The cold air soothed the aching in his chest and felt good against his hot, blotchy skin. This is what he should've been doing all week instead of stewing alone in his room. He should've been hanging out with his friends, heck, even his dad, instead of feeling sorry for himself. Jake was throwing some kind of big New Year's party and maybe he'd go to that with Michael.

By the time he arrived at Michael's place he was feeling appropriately chilled out, no longer on the brink of a meltdown, and he pried open the door to the basement and stepped inside.

"Hey."

"Hey." Micahel smiled, and stood, and stepped over to wrap an arm around Jeremy's shoulders with a mug in one hand, which he carefully shoved into his chest. Jeremy glanced down at took it, only now realizing he'd forgotten to put gloves on. His hands were freezing and the heat of the mug kind of stung. "I put those mini marshmallows in it, and tried to make it a smiley face, but they all kind of melted."

Jeremy snorted a little into his drink and tried to ignore the concerned and expectant look Michael was giving him.

"Sorry for dropping by this late, man."

"You sounded pretty upset over the phone." The burning question 'was it Christine' hung unspoken in the air. Jeremy sat down on the floor and Micahel joined him at his side.

"Yeah- Yeah, I was. I still am. It's... complicated." Jeremy wondered if someone could actually die of shame. Michael thought this was about Christine, and he had to somehow explain that it was the _Squip_.

"Dating's pretty complicated from what I've heard," Michael smiled at him, just a little.

"So, um, I'm not upset about Christine. I mean, I am, but that's not why I called you. Not exactly." Jeremy could barely bring himself to look at his friend. Michael frowned a little more.

"Is it about your dad?"

"No." Jeremy took another tentative sip of his drink, hoping for some kind of liquid courage out of his hot chocolate. "It's the Squip."

Michael stilled.

"It's back? I'll go find the Mountain Dew." Michael moved to stand, but Jeremy quickly grabbed his arm and tugged him back down.

"No. Don't get it. Not yet." Jeremy sighed at the expression Michael was giving him. "I've been lying to you. It's been back this whole time. Since the incident at the mall, anyway."

"Are you serious?" Thankfully Michael didn't sound _mad_ , just perplexed. Jeremy still couldn't bring himself to look him in the face, though.

"Yeah. I know. I know how this sounds, I know it's crazy, but I didn't want to get rid of it. Not right away."

"That's _insane_ , Jeremy. Why?" Michael was clutching his hair with a free hand.

"I don't know!" He finally forced himself to meet Michael's gaze, swallowing the guilt. "I thought I could, I don't know... control it this time or something."

"What's it been telling you? Did it tell you to break up with Christine? Is that why you've seemed so out of it lately? I thought it was just stress." Okay, now he was starting to sound a little upset.

"Nothing! It's... I wanted it to help me study. That's it. No dating advice. No... trying to be cooler or whatever. It's not that bad."

"Jeremy..."

"Trust me. It's not nearly as much of a dick as it used to be." Michael absolutely did not look convinced, and Jeremy was feeling like an idiot. What was he doing? Part of what he came here to do was to get rid of the Squip once and for all. Now he was feeling like that would be a bad idea. What the hell was wrong with him?

"Uh huh. Last time it was around it made _you_ into a total dick and then tried to squipify the whole school."

"So far it hadn't done that yet."

"Not _yet._ That's the operative word, Jeremy. That thing is crazy unstable. Who knows what it'll try to do this time? It already did something, didn't it? That's why you're here." Michael clutched Jeremy's shoulder, staring him in the face.

"It, um. It was really weird. I think it was trying to comfort me? I don't know. It's never done that before. And then it turned into Christine and it was just _a lot_ I wasn't prepared for so I shut it down."

"It turned into Christine?" Michael's face had contorted into a look of both bewilderment and disgust. "That's super creepy."

"It didn't try to do anything. It was just. I don't know." Really, he didn't know. The Squip always knew what he was thinking, but he never knew what the Squip was thinking. It couldn't really _do_ anything to him except shock him, and he was pretty sure the Squip wasn't able to shock him to death even if it wanted to.

Hopefully, it didn't want to.

"Dude." Michael released his hold on Jeremy and sat back, eyes closed, and pressed his hands to his face as he took a long, deep inhale. "Okay. So. What are we going to do about it?"

"You're not mad?"

"I'm kind of mad, yeah. But we need to deal with that thing in your brain, first."

"Okay." Jeremy swallowed. "I don't know what to do."

"Is it here right now?"

"No. It's off, but I can turn it back on and see if it's... behaving?" Michael looked skeptical but nodded solemnly.

-Hey, Squip.-

Jeremy's heart beat nervously as the Squip reappeared in his view, and was very relieved when it arrived in its original form.

_Jeremy._

It was watching him cooly, hands behind its back. Jeremy wished he could know what it was thinking.

"Well?"

"It's... it looks normal. Like it usually does."

The Squip looked at the both of them, not moving from its spot a few yards away.

_I'm glad you finally reached out to your friend for support, Jeremy. You can't expect me to do it for you._

Jeremy looked back at Michael.

"It's glad I'm talking to you and not to it." Michael snorted in response.

"I'd hope so since I'm your _friend_ and all. Not computerized evil incarnate." He was pressing himself a little closer to Jeremy, hand gripping his arm protectively. "What else is it saying?"

The Squip was no longer paying any attention to Michael and was looking only at Jeremy.

_I want to apologize for my earlier outburst. I see now that my actions were inappropriate and not helpful to you. I hadn't planned on making you more upset._

"It's apologizing."

"Seriously?"

_It's convenient that you're already here with Michael, as I also wanted to tell you to go ahead and deactivate me._

"Wait, what?"

"What? What, Jeremy, what's it saying?" Michael was looking around the room, eyes squinted as if that could somehow help him see an imaginary figment inside Jeremy's head.

_Isn't that why you're here?_

-I guess, but why now? Again? We had a deal.-

_I'm defective, Jeremy. I told you that when you first reactivated me. At this point, I can only do you more harm than good._

-You helped me pass my exams.-

The Squip waved a hand dismissively, looking away.

_You would have passed them without me, just with slightly lower marks. You're more book smart than you think you are._

-We didn't get to... to finish what we were doing yet.-

_You really think you, Jeremy Heere, can teach me anything?_

The Squip had raised its voice in an uncharacteristic way that surprised him. It wasn't looking at him all smug, or even expressionless. This was the most agitated he'd ever seen the Squip, shoulders hunched, eyes narrowed, hands now clenched at its sides. Jeremy could feel an angry buzzing in his skull that trickled down the back of his neck and gave him goosebumps.

-You're angry?-

Was that possible? It sure looked that way.

_Don't be ludicrous. I'm a super computer. I've already been programmed with what I need to know, and I'm not able to feel anything. I get results, and this is not constructive._

" _Jeremy_ ," Michael hissed in his ear, shaking his shoulder. "You can't just blank out on me, man. What's going on?"

"It... it wants me to drink the Mountain Dew Red."

"Really? After the fight we had to get you to drink it last time?"

"The Squip says it's defective."

"Well, I could have told you that."

The Squip glanced briefly at Michael, a frown etched into its features, before meeting Jeremy's eyes again.

_Do as you're told, Jeremy. Deactivate me. It's for your own good._

Jeremy stared back at the Squip, head still buzzing with something that definitely wasn't coming from himself. It almost made him feel anxious, but not _really_ , not the way his anxiety usually ate at him. It felt like it was coming from the Squip itself. He pressed his lips together, squared his shoulders, and inhaled through his nose.

-No.-

The Squip threw up its hands in the air.

_You are the most stubborn and frustrating user. I could be trying to save your life and you'd still defy me!_

-We had a deal. I'm not getting rid of you until we see it through. So you're stuck with me.-

His heart was pounding in his chest and his hands suddenly felt extremely cold. Trembling. Michael gave his arm a firm squeeze.

_I can't help you! You don't gain anything from this. I've tried everything I could think of and I've continued to fail you._

The Squip's words hung heavily in the air, and that only cemented Jeremy's resolve.

-You feel guilty. It's okay. This is progress.-

The buzzing sensation slowly began to subside and the Squip would no longer meet his gaze. It looked as ashamed as Jeremy had felt earlier. He'd address the entire weirdness of the situation later before he second-guessed himself.

_I've already explained to you how that's impossible._

-It sure doesn't feel that way to me.-

He was sure, absolutely positive, that the bizarre sensations he'd been experiencing were from the Squip. He was feeling what the Squip was feeling, in its own alien, computery way. Jeremy would stake his life on it. The Squip stayed silent, slowly, slowly standing up straight, expression back to neutral.

_Very well. If you **insist**._

-We can talk later. Shut down for now.-

Jeremy was feeling oddly proud of himself, smiling just a little as the Squip vanished once again.

"Jeremy!" Michael was shaking him, sounding equally alarmed and frustrated. "Are you okay? Are we getting rid of it? I don't know what's happening."

"I'm not getting rid of it," Jeremy finally responded. He looked over at Michael. "We're going to fix it." Michael looked as if he was about to respond, to tell him he was being absolutely batshit, so he continued. "But... we should come up with an emergency backup plan, just in case things get hairy."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boy teaches old computer dog new tricks: a novel.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning for drug use in this chapter.

It took some convincing--actually, a _lot_ of convincing--to get Michael onboard with his plan. Jeremy knew, faintly, that the possibility of success was pretty low, but he felt compelled to try anyway. For the first time since Christine had announced that she was going to California Jeremy actually felt _good_ about something, but Michael was understandably cautious about the whole thing. He couldn't blame the guy, either. So in a show of good faith, to prove to Michael that he was taking the risks seriously, they'd both agreed to carry Mountain Dew Red on them at all times.

"Are you going to keep it on while at Jake's party?" Michael was in the process of getting ready to pick up Kevin on their way to the party. Jeremy had considered it because he was already starting to feel like a third wheel, but he pushed the thoughts aside. There was no reason for the Squip to be active, especially since he was planning on drinking. 

"Nah, I don't think a wild college party is a great learning environment." He hadn't spoken to the Squip much since their little conversation in Michael's basement but he felt the need to say something to it. "You're picking me up later, right?"

"Yeah, of course. I'm not going to leave you stranded just because Kevin will be there." Michael shot him a glance that Jeremy could only assume meant _I'm not leaving my best friend alone with an insanely powerful top-secret crazy super computer_ , and for that he was grateful. He was still his favorite person, after all. Even on a potentially catastrophic adventure, they still had each other's backs.

The Squip on the other hand...

Michael wouldn't be at his place for another 10 or so minutes, which gave him plenty of time to give the Squip some kind of, well, pep talk, maybe? Jeremy still felt nervous when he reactivated the Squip, and though its expression was as calm and detached as normal, the way its eyes seemed to lock onto his caused him to momentarily panic.

_So, we're doing this._

It said it like Jeremy had asked the Squip to clean sewage out of the gutters.

-Yeah. I guess we are. Michael's on board with it, so...-

_Why are you so anxious? That doesn't exactly instill a sense of confidence in your teachings abilities, Jeremy._

Jeremy swallowed thickly. Where to even start?

-I've never, you know... done this? Before.-

The Squip sighed and took a seat on the nearby desk, arms crossed lazily across its chest.

_Are you going to begin? Or should I?_

-You, uh. So you feel emotions. Some kind of emotions, anyway. I know you don't believe me, but... Uh...-

Wow. This was even harder than he thought it'd be. Jeremy glanced down at the floor, rubbing the back of his neck. The Squip said nothing, just stared at him cooly.

-I don't have a lot of time to tell you why now, because I'm going to a party soon, and I know you don't work right when I drink. But I just wanted to let you know.-

_I'm assuming you won't need my assistance at your first college party?_

Was the Squip making a joke? Jeremy looked back up and the corner of the Squip's mouth had curved into a slight smile.

-I can handle myself, thanks.-

He paused.

-Is there... Is there anything you want to ask me. Like, at all?-

The Squip uncrossed its arms and looked contemplative for a moment, looking off into the distance that was the other side of Jeremy's room.

_What exactly does it mean to be human, Jeremy?_

Jeremy balked.

-Woah. That's... That's kind of a loaded question.-

_How exactly are you going to teach me anything about humanity if you can't answer such a logical question?_

-I mean, it's kind of an _advanced_ question. We still haven't discussed your feelings yet.-

_**Alleged** feelings._

-Right. Alleged feelings.-

Jeremy looked out the window when he heard the familiar sound of Michael's car horn honking outside. He grabbed his things and walked quickly to the door.

-Cool. That's it for now. Class dismissed.-

He swore he could hear the Squip chuckle faintly as it vanished.

* * *

Big parties still made him a little nervous. 

After how his first big party panned out (fighting with Michael, the situation with Chloe, Rich setting the _god damn house on fire_ ) he'd somehow convinced himself that even without the Squip disaster would befall him. Plus, he still didn't enjoy it when it was too loud or crowded, and he hated when some drunk person spilled beer on him. But he was here with Michael, and Kevin was pretty chill too, so it would probably be alright. They'd more than likely leave by 12:30. The main event was the ball dropping, anyway.

This was his first big party without Christine.

No. Nope. Nu-uh. He would _not_ dwell on that. He'd spent enough of his vacation wallowing, and it was time to have some fun, damn it. He armed himself with a red solo cup and stepped into the fray with his best friend by his side.

So how the hell did he end up alone?

Jake's house was _massive_. And packed. An hour in and they'd been completely separated, Jeremy pleasantly buzzed by swallowed up by the crowd. Maybe if he found a place to sit for a while he wouldn't freak out. There was some space open where the music was the loudest, just enough to allow people room to dance, and he tried to find an open chair... which was when someone grabbed him gently by the arm. He paused and turned with a grin, hoping to see Michael, but he was greeted by a complete stranger instead. They leaned in uncomfortably close to his ear.

"Hey. Wanna dance?"

Some guy he didn't know just asked him to dance. Jeremy just stood there awkwardly, trying to pretend he didn't quite catch what the other man said. Some strange guy had just asked him to dance and he was _attractive._ Well built, but not super gross like those bodybuilders on the magazines. He had a nice, pretty boy face, crazy long lashes, and really dark brown eyes. For half a second Jeremy almost considered turning the Squip on and asking for advice, because _jesus christ_ , but the moment passed. No. He could do this on his own. 

"Y-yeah, sure." He nodded his head aggressively. The guy smiled, winked, and then led him into the fray of dancing bodies. 

Oh man, he was going to need so much more beer.

It was so awkward at first, dancing up against some hot dude, but his determination to absolutely not make a fool of himself paid off. It was hot, and the beer was cold, so he kept himself inebriated enough not to feel horribly embarrassed when his partner ground up against him in a way that made him blush, a firm hand clamped around his waist. It was fun. He could just listen to the music thrumming through his whole body and enjoy himself. Jeremy didn't even protest when the guy led him out of the crowd to a less populated, quieter corner of the room, swimming with couples, or object when they started kissing.

Jeremy's heart was in his throat, palms sweating, but he clung to the shirt of this handsome stranger and kept kissing him, long and slow. They smelled like beer and overpriced aftershave. Every part of him tingled pleasantly. He was making out with a guy he'd just met at a party and he didn't even know his name. 

When they finally pulled away, Jeremy feeling flushed and ridiculously giddy, he took a moment to glance around their corner of the room. He wondered distantly if Michael and Kevin were around here somewhere, in the sea of couples sucking face before the year's end. 

"You wanna drop some acid?" Confused, Jeremy looked down at the man in front of him, who pulled out what looked like a paper full of stickers from his jacket pocket. "If we take it now we'll be tripping balls by midnight."

He hesitated. He'd never done anything except smoke pot with Michael before, and he was already buzzed from the alcohol. It didn't seem... necessary? But he looked at the guy with his long, pretty lashes and kissable mouth and figured, well, definitely couldn't hurt. He wasn't driving after all.

"It's pure LSD, trust me. I had it tested. In case you care about that." Which was when Jeremy realized he didn't know jack shit about acid, but he felt it was a little too late to back out now. Together they slunk away from the couples cove and up the stairs into a darker room, where there was actual space to sit. Jeremy quickly drank the rest of his beer, tossed the cup into the nearby trashcan, and made himself comfortable while his new partner-in-crime offered him a little panel.

Here goes nothing.

And for the first however long he didn't feel anything. It wasn't as if he'd taken anything like this before, so he wasn't exactly sure what was going to happen anyway.

Maybe I should text Michael and let him know where I am.

Jeremy tugged his phone out of his pocket to shoot Michael a quick message.

"What's your name, anyway?" The guy next to him seemed perfectly comfortable.

"It's... Jeremy."

"I'm Alex."

"It'll be a pleasure hallucinating pink elephants with you." The guy, Alex, laughed in amusement, and Jeremy couldn't help but smile in response. They were sitting so close to each other, and Alex's hand was on his shoulder, and maybe it wouldn't hurt to lean in and kiss him a little more. Which he did, much more assertively than before, feeling somehow braver than earlier.

* * *

Alex hadn't been kidding. It was 20 seconds to midnight and he was absolutely fucking tripping balls. They were all gathered on the balcony to watch the big flat screen as the ball descended down, down, down. Jeremy's vision was swimming with color, feeling like he was just hovering above the floor, watching the patterns on the wallpaper spiral out of control. Everyone was cheering, louder, counting down the seconds, and Jeremy joined them. He'd never felt so enthralled by the year changing. He also didn't care that someone spilled beer all over his shoes.

"Happy New Year!!!" The whole house was shouting, the air trembled with the noise, and Jeremy grinned so widely it actually hurt. Suddenly something in the corner of his eye caught his attention and he swiveled his head around to get a better look. Down the hall, in stark contrast to the way everything was vibrantly moving, was the Squip. It was weird, way weirder than ever before because the Squip wasn't looking at him. It wasn't looking at _anything_. It should have been off, but it was standing there, looking straight ahead blankly with half-lidded eyes like it was asleep. It was the only thing that looked fully solid in his entire field of vision, everything else around it fuzzy and pulsing.

-Hello?-

The Squip didn't respond so Jeremy pulled away from Alex and the crowd to investigate. The hallway was mostly abandoned except for the few stragglers who were too drunk to get up earlier. The closer he got to the Squip the more the air around it seemed to ripple like water, a gentle hum with no source.

"Hey."

Nothing. He waved a hand in its face. Still nothing. It wasn't until Jeremy moved to touch the Squip's hand, just a light brush of their fingers, that the Squip responded. It looked up at him, blinking slowly, and said nothing, so Jeremy said nothing back. What he was really focused on was the Squip's hand. He'd been expecting an ethereal touch, nothing really there at all, but the Squip's hand felt solid and real under his own. Jeremy found he couldn't move his hand away, and the Squip followed his line of vision to stare down at their hands, just barely touching, but the air around their fingers was rippling much more violently. 

Jeremy felt like he was in a trance, unable to look away or even move until the Squip carefully reached out its other hand to wrap its fingers delicately around his free one. He liked the way it felt. He liked the way the empty space around them seemed to fill up with the movement, and he liked the quiet, thoughtful look the Squip was giving him. He now couldn't look away from the Squip's face, slowly threading their fingers together, stepping closer under Jeremy could feel the entire fabric of reality beating around them.

And then their mouths touched.

Jeremy had leaned in, a little too far, and now it felt like his head was exploding, but in a _good_ way. The Squip didn't pull away, or reprimand him, or even move. The Squip actually kissed him _back_ , and with a sigh of satisfaction, its mouth felt soft and warm, like it was really there, like Alex. But it wasn't Alex, it was the Squip, and they were pressed chest to chest as his field of vision glistened. The Squip almost looked too solid now, bright, its edges sharp enough to cut, like a super HD TV. Jeremy didn't mind, too distracted by the way the Squip's stubble felt against his skin. Then they were moving, the Squip holding Jeremy by the hips and pressing his back into the wall. 

He wanted to say something, but the way the Squip pressed its knee into his crotch left him dizzy and breathless, so all he could get out was an appreciative groan. He ran his hands up the Squip's back, through its hair, while the Squip had a hand on his chest, expertly caressing the hot skin under his shirt. Jeremy about melted when the Squip found his nipple, brushing the sensitive skin so delicately it made him whimper. He could only press his mouth harder against the Squip's, carefully pulling at its hair. He felt like he could sink through the wall any second, through the floor, and he finally shut his eyes when the Squip moved its lips from his and traced them down the side of his throat...

Except when he opened his eyes again he realized he really _was_ sinking. The walls of the house had vanished, replaced by a dark nothingness, and Jeremy was falling into it. Just him. No Squip, no Alex, no one else. The sudden drop made his stomach clench and _whoosh_ like he was on that roller coaster back in 6th grade, the one that made him puke up the entire funnel cake he'd just eaten. He clenched his eyes shut tight again, expecting some kind of landing, but it never came.

Tentatively, breathing fast, he looked around. He was on his knees in the middle of the high school stage, bright spotlight momentarily blinding him.

"Jeremy!" He about jumped out of his skin, dizzy enough that he wanted to hurl, and turned to find the source of the noise. It was the Squip, but it was different, the spitting image of the Squip right before he'd made Christine drink the Mountain Dew Red two years ago. It was stepping back, stumbling away from him, eyes wide and fearful. "J-Je-Jeremy?"

He was sitting right here, but it was like the Squip couldn't see him at all. Instead, it crumpled to the floor, frantically clutching at its head as its entire form and voice distorted, calling out his name. Bit by bit the Squip disintegrated, and every few seconds Jeremy would see a bright flash of light that made him wince and look away until the Squip had vanished completely, leaving nothing behind but a vague sense of unease. Slowly, carefully, Jeremy pushed himself to his feet as his head swam. 

"Hello?" There was nothing but an empty stage and darkness all around. "Hello!?" Panic starting to set in, Jeremy ran off the stage, jumping down the few steps, running running running until he saw a door off in the darkness. He quickly turned on his heel, stumbled, landed hard against the door, and rushed inside.

"Is... is anyone there?" The room he'd tumbled into was dimly lit. The only light source seemed to come from the hundreds of small, blinking lights down the walls of the room. There was a desk, broken glass all over the floor, and off in the corner there was a man openly weeping, clutching a picture frame. Jeremy swallowed and approached slowly, but the man didn't seem to notice him at all. It was hard to get a good look at him, but he was only a few feet away now.

It was... it was the Squip? Jeremy was too confused to be really sure, but they were completely ignoring him, still weeping. Nervously, Jeremy tried to step around him, to try and catch a glimpse of the picture the Squp, or the man, was holding. Instead, he saw a gun. It was pointed directly at him, right between his eyes, and he'd completely frozen in place. He looked down at the gun, terrified, then at the man, and then the floor.

That was... that was blood on the floor.

Fuck. What the _fuck_.

Jeremy snored himself awake, briefly choking on spit as he quickly jerked his head up from off a pillow. It was Michael's room; he recognized it immediately. The entire left side of his face was damp with drool that left a nice little puddle on the pillowcase. Also, his head was killing him, so that was nice.

"Jesus _Christ_ ," Jeremy whined, trying to wipe the drool from his face.

"Sleeping Beauty has finally awakened from her eternal slumber to bless the people and its kingdom!" Michael was sitting on the other side of the room in a bean bag chair, a Gameboy resting in his hand. He was grinning at Jeremy, though his eyes were a little sympathetic when Jeremy groaned and rolled back over onto the bed. "Dude, I know I said I was going to be the designated driver last night, but you could have warned me that you were planning on doing more than drink. I had to babysit you all night."

"Oh. Right. I did that." How much of that had been a hallucination? A dream? He was never touching LSD again. "I thought I dreamed that."

"No. You didn't."

"Where's Kevin?" Jeremy dropped a pillow on top of his face to block the light.

"I took him home before I dumped you here."

"Sorry, I know you wanted to spend the night with him after the party." Why did it feel like the bed was _moving_?

"Relax, man. It's fine. You haven't looked that happy in ages. But maybe share next time."

Jeremy heaved a sigh and hugged the pillow to his chest.

"...I think I met a guy last night."

"I know you did." Jeremy could _hear_ the smile in his voice. "He wrote his number all up your arm in sharpie before we left."

"Seriously?" Jeremy scrambled upright and looked down at his arm, which was covered in large, black numbers. "Oh my god." He looked at Michael helplessly.

"Don't look at me. That's your score to settle." Well, this was a little mortifying, but he also felt pleased with himself at the same time. "Also, pancakes."

"Pancakes?"

"Yeah, you want some? I'm starving."

"Hell yes I do." He'd tell Michael about the wild dream he'd had later. Definitely later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember kids: Never trip while you squip! ;>


	7. Chapter 7

_Jeremy, I have a theory._

The Squip appeared suddenly, causing Jeremy to jump and drop the washcloth he'd been using to scrub the black sharpie from his arm. The Squip had been unusually silent for most of the day and Jeremy hadn't really been bothered to question it. He felt run down and headachey and had no desire the deal with the Squip's general... Squipiness. He took the silence as either understanding or perhaps even just the Squip recuperating from his illicit drug use the night before. It'd been shut off all night but it was still in his brain. It had to be affected somewhat.

-Theory? What theory? We're making theories now?-

Jeremy bent over to scoop up the washcloth and stood to find the Squip sitting on the edge of the sink, leaning in close.

_I did some digging through my memory archives. During those two years I was shut off I was still collecting data from you._

Jeremy wrinkled his nose at his reflection in the mirror.

-Uuuh, so you were _spying_ on me?-

_No, not exactly. It's an autonomous part of my programming that I have no control over._

-I'd still consider that spying.-

The Squip shrugged, unbothered by the accusation. 

_The point is, I'm capable of adapting my behavior based on how it impacts my host, to help them more efficiently. It appears I picked up a few "quirks" during my downtime. Namely, the ability to express emotions in a way that would appeal to you._

Jeremy carefully reached around the Squip for his toothbrush, abandoning his attempts at removing the ink from his arm before he rubbed the skin raw. 

-So I taught you, like, _feelings_ and stuff without meaning to?-

Well, that made as much sense as anything else in a world where supercomputers ran on soda.

_Technically, yes._

-So... you're actually admitting you feel things, then.-

The Squip stilled, a look of annoyance flashing briefly across its face.. 

_Would it adequately satisfy you if I said yes?_

-Yep.-

Jeremy spit into the sink, rinsed, then grinned into the mirror. Wow, he looked crappy.

_Fine. Then yes. I'm admitting that I "feel things". Though it's important to remember that I can't "feel things" the way you can. I'm merely reacting to your own emotions._

-Sure, if you say so.- 

He looked away from the mirror to smile at the Squip, who was looking back at him with lips pressed into a thin line. For a computer with not-actually-real emotions, it sure was expressive. Jeremy was sure the Squip could easily cook up an excuse for that, 'based on my programming blah blah blah, I’m in your head yadda yadda'. He was in no mood to argue about it, and the Squip seemed perfectly happy to deny any potential humanity it had. So whatever. He had to figure out what to do about the guy he'd met at Jake's party. 

_You should call him, Jeremy. It would be good for you._

-Oh yeah? You know that?-

_You just ended a long-term relationship. Getting out there will help the healing process along faster. Casual sex would elevate your overall mood._

Jeremy scowled.

-No thanks. I'm not taking dating advice from you, remember?-

_I'm not talking about dating._

The Squip hopped down from the sink to stand behind him, hands on his shoulders.

_Sex and relationships are not the same thing._

It grabbed him by the chin and tilted Jeremy's face from side to side. Jeremy's frown deepened. He was feeling crankier the longer this conversation went on.

_Proper hydration should help with those bags under your eyes._

-Cool. Thanks. Are you done?-

Jeremy swatted the Squip away from him and stepped out of the bathroom. He could feel the Squip's eyes on him, piercing, raising the hairs on the back of his neck. Man, why couldn't it mind its own damn business?

_Everything is my business as long as I’m in your brain, Jeremy._

-Shut down.-

* * *

It wasn’t until Jeremy was shoving his things messily into his suitcase in preparation for his second semester that he realized what had been bothering him the past week.

Ever since Jake's party something had felt _off_. Not necessarily in a bad way, but just enough to alert him that something in his life was different. For the life of him, he couldn't figure it out. He was anxious about Alex, maybe? He felt a little twinge of guilt for never calling the guy back, but he couldn't bring himself to do it, especially not when the Squip insisted. It might be great a tutoring him but it was absolute shit at life advice. You know, based on past personal experience. (The Squip, of course, begged to differ.) The more the week progressed, however, the less bad he felt about not calling or texting or dickpicing or whatever it was Alex may have wanted. He didn't even remember leaving the party, much less asking for Alex's number.

He didn't know what else could be wrong. Lingering side effects of the acid trip? He'd had some pretty intense hallucinations, involving the Squip even. Jeremy had almost forgotten about it already, but he was thinking about it now as he crammed socks into a corner of the suitcase on his bed. The way the Squip had looked, how real it felt, the way its facial hair tickled his skin... And then it hit him. The reason everything felt weird was that things _were_ weird, the _Squip_ was acting weird because it kept touching him. Like, a lot. A lot more than normal or absolutely necessary. 

It was there now as Jeremy paused in his packing. He was sitting on his bed with a pile of clothes strewn all across the bedsheets and the Squip was sitting behind him with its chin rested on his shoulder, arms lazily around his waist, watching him pack with mild disinterest. It was even quietly scolding him, just a soft murmur in his mind.

_It would be so much more efficient if you would just **fold** everything first. You would be able to fit so much more..._

Jeremy had frozen in place, socks wadded up in his hands, not sure what to do with this realization. From what he could remember the Squip had never been this touchy-feely, had always hung back a comfortable distance when ordering him around, so what changed? When did it change? Why hadn't he noticed it sooner? The Squip wasn't behaving all that much different otherwise, and it wasn't as if Jeremy could really feel the touching. It was just the barest phantom impression, not there at all unless Jeremy wanted it to be and the Squip pulled the necessary strings in his head to make it feel believable. 

...Did he _want_ to feel the Squip touching him? Was it doing this on purpose? Was the Squip aware of the hallucination he'd had about making out with it? It hadn't given any indication that is was. 

_Is something wrong?_

Jeremy had just been sitting there staring at his disaster of a suitcase for the past few minutes. 

-Yep, I'm great, everything's great.-

He picked up the suitcase, dumped the contents onto the floor, and stood up much more abruptly than he needed to. If the Squip wasn't aware he was flipping out inside before, it definitely did now. It even looked startled by the sudden movement.

-You're right. I need to fold these. So I'll do that.-

He dropped the suitcase and nearly threw himself onto the floor, sitting cross-legged next to his pile of laundry. Maybe if he focused really intensely on folding his laundry he'd realize he was being ridiculous and overreacting to nothing. Yet no sooner had he folded two shirts and pressed them neatly inside the suitcase did the Squip get up, relocate to the floor next to him, and sit with their knees touching. Jeremy's ears went hot with... embarrassment? He didn't know. He just knew he was extremely confused. Was the Squip even aware it was doing this? What the fuck.

Jeremy glanced over. The Squip looked bored, indifferent, unconcerned. But it was watching his hands. He hunched his shoulders slightly and looked back down. This was making him nervous.

_Your posture is atrocious, you know._

-I... I, yes, I know that.-

_If you don't keep your spine as neutral as possible, you risk the possibility of chronic pain as you age._

Jeremy shifted a little uncomfortably. 

-Are you telling me to fix it?-

_I'm just making an observation._

The Squip smiled, but Jeremy couldn't determine if it was fucking with him or being genuine. He was half tempted to turn the Squip off and call Michael. He'd promised Michael to tell him if the Squip said or did anything unusual. This definitely counted. Instead, he carefully sat up a little straighter, folded his clothes at such a speed he probably broke some kind of record, and zipped up the suitcase. The Squip watched him in silence, still focused on his hands. Jeremy stilled them on the zipper.

-So, do you do anything besides observe me? For fun or something?-

The Squip looked at him with raised eyebrows.

-Never mind. Stupid question. Don't answer that.-

Jeremy stood up.

-I'm going to take a shower.-

He glanced at the Squip as he escaped the room as nonchalantly as possible. Thankfully, the Squip didn't follow him into the bathroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RIP Jeremy's sense of personal space.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short update today, sorry y'all. This part should have been added to the last chapter but I didn't have the foresight. It doesn't flow well with the next chapter so I'm posting it now instead of combining them.

Michael was holding a french fry halfway to his mouth, allowing the chili to slide off and unceremoniously _splat_ against the table.

"That thing," he said as he lowered his voice, "that thing can _touch_ you?" His expression revealed to Jeremy that Michael had never even considered this to be a possibility before. He was starting to wonder if having this conversation in public was a bad idea.

"Yeah, you never knew that?"

"You never _told_ me that."

"I guess it just, uh, slipped my mind. It didn't seem important." Michael just about threw the french fry across the cafeteria. 

"Jeremy, _everything_ is important! I can't help you if I don't know what it's doing to you." 

"Okay, okay, I get it. Just leave the food out of this." Jeremy nudged the tray of fries away from the edge of the table where they were in immediate risk of getting knocked over by Michael's other hand.

"You're taking this seriously, right?" 

"Of course I'm taking this seriously." Jeremy popped a fry into his mouth. "That's why I'm telling you this." Michael didn't look entirely convinced, but he sighed and wiped up the messy table with a napkin.

"Fine, so it's... touching you." Michael made a face. "But like, more than normal? It never did this last time?"

"No, that's what makes it so frickin' _weird._ But if it makes you feel any better it's not like it's really touching me. It's just a projection."

"Honestly, that makes it weirder." Michael leaned back in his seat. "It has to be doing it on purpose. Did it say anything?"

"No... But I haven't brought it up, either. I guess I should."

"Do that. I'll try and do some digging, see if my Warcraft buddy knows anything." Michael pulled out his phone and thumbed the screen. "I gotta go." He eyed him. "You okay by yourself for a while?"

"Yeah, man. Go do what you need to do. I've got some unpacking to do, anyway." Talking to Michael already made him feel better about the situation, if he could call it that. Still, he'd been avoiding conversation with the Squip for a couple days. He could only imagine what it was going to say.

Back at the dorm, Jeremy shoved the last of his clothes into a drawer and took a seat on his bed. Why did the thought of this conversation make him so anxious? Stupid brains.

-Reactivate.-

_Jeremy._

He looked up at it, drumming his fingers against the mattress. It stood off to the side, hands behind its back, looking completely relaxed. The exact opposite of how he currently felt. (But was that even a surprise?)

_You have something you want to say to me._

He felt like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

-So you are aware you've been really invading my personal space recently, right?-

_Of course._

-And you know I freaked out about it.-

_Of course._

-What's the deal with that?-

He stood up from the bed. 

-Why the sudden change?-

Jeremy watched as the Squip seemed about to speak, then paused, looked away briefly, and frowned ever so slightly, as if thinking. He felt the little _kick_ in the back of his head that he'd learned meant the Squip seemed frustrated about something. How could it feel frustrated? It was a simple question. 

_I'm a complicated piece of technology, Jeremy._

He snorted a laugh and crossed his arms over his chest.

-What the hell is that supposed to mean?- The Squip stayed silent, merely looked at him, and Jeremy stood there until he had a sudden thought. - What, you don't _know_? How can you not know why you're doing something?-

_Of course I know; I'm a supercomputer. Don't be ridiculous._

It looked insulted.

-Okay. Then why?-

He marched up to the Squip, anxiety melting into irritation. Once again the Squip didn't answer and Jeremy dropped his hands.

-Holy shit, you really _don't_ know. Wow. _Wow._ -

It was the Squip's turn to cross its arms and look agitated. 

_Do you want me to stop? I can avoid any and all physical contact with you if you'd prefer._

Jeremy was about to gloat, tease the Squip, question why "I-know-everything-I'm-advanced-technology-beep-boop-Squip" couldn't figure out something so simple. The Squip didn't just look frustrated; it looked disappointed. It was averting its gaze and tapping its foot, corners of its mouth turned down. He was starting to feel bad for it. Did it want to touch him? Did it even matter, since it probably couldn't feel anything anyway? ...Did he want it to stop? Suddenly nothing made sense anymore.

He took a small step back.

-No. You don't need to stop.- 

He couldn't feel it anyway. Might as well let the Squip keep doing what it was doing. It didn't _mean_ anything. The Squip finally looked back up at him and slowly it smiled until the smile became more of a smirk. It stepped forward, quickly closing the space between them, and grabbed him by the chin to lift up his face. The Squip's bright, blue eyes were intense. Jeremy almost fell back in surprise. A moment later it let him go, patting his cheek, like it was _pleased_.

_Good answer._

-Can't keep your hands off of me, huh?- 

He hadn't meant to say it, or, well, _think_ it, but it happened. Jeremy expected the Squip to react negatively, but it surprised him.

_I think you'd be correct._

Jeremy had no idea how to respond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Squip has approximate knowledge of many things except when it doesn't.


	9. Chapter 9

_Jeremy, now that your new semester is about to begin, I advise we create a system to improve your study habits. I have taken the liberty of downloading all the syllabi for your classes so you can prepare ahead of time. If we schedule your time efficiently throughout the semester and start some of your studying now you'll be well ahead of your peers when-- Are you listening to me?_

-No. Busy killing zombies. Bother me later.-

Jeremy was in the middle of a very intense zombie-killing video game session with Michael. He swung left, impaled a zombie through the head with a pitchfork, jumped over a few boxes. He was probably leaning in a little too close to their crappy, tiny TV. It was a wonder how he hadn't fucked up his vision yet.

_How long are you planning on wasting your time with this?_

-I'm not "wasting my time". I'm having fun. You should try it sometime.-

_Do you require me to make our study sessions "fun", like a human child? Honestly, Jeremy, you're determined to fail, aren't you?_

Jeremy grunted in annoyance, smashing the buttons a little harder than necessary.

-The semester hasn't even started yet! I'll be fine. I only got a C in one class.-

_My capabilities are wasted if you think "average" is good enough. I'm here to help you learn._

-Exactly. You're here to tutor me, not nag me.-

One second he was saving the world with Michael, the next he felt a shock, sharp enough to make him drop the controller and throw his character into the horde of zombies he'd been fighting. 

" _Ow, fuck you._ "

"Jeremy! Shit--" Michael put his controller down as the words GAME OVER appeared over the screen. "Are you okay? What was that?"

"It's... nothing." Jeremy glanced over at the Squip, who was smirking at him. "The Squip is just a big _killjoy_ and trying to get me to study."

"Study? Study what? The semester hasn't even started yet!"

"That's exactly what I said!" Jeremy huffed.

_Game over, Jeremy. That's too bad. I guess you'll just have to go over the syllabi with me instead._

Scowling at the Squip, he picked his controller back up and restarted the game.

"It's super anal retentive."

_Oh, good vocabulary choice. I'm proud of you._

"That explains a lot of things." Michael grinned and followed Jeremy's lead, picking up where they left off. "I'm surprised it lets you eat and sleep."

"Not eating or sleeping would hinder productivity." He tried to mock the Squip's scolding tone to the best of his ability, and Michael laughed beside him. The Squip, on the other hand, was frowning, eyes narrowed, as it squatted down next to him.

_You need to start listening to my advice._

-Is this where you tell me I have to obey you? Because that's not going to fly this time around.-

The Squip's frown deepened.

_I'm only trying to help you._

-I don't need your help right now. The first week is always a wash, anyway. I'll cut back on my gaming time once I've actually stepped foot inside of a classroom. Promise.-

The Squip said nothing and turned to the TV screen, mouth still upturned and brows creased. Jeremy sighed quietly to himself. Never in his life would he ever thought he'd feel bad for the Squip so often. It was _sulking_. Its only real objective in life was to help its user, apparently, and he wasn't letting it do that. Not right away. If he was in the Squip's position he might feel the need to be pushy, too. It was probably frustrating and boring to just kind of exist, not getting to do what you were designed to do.

-I wasn't kidding about trying to do something fun. You're a computer, don't you come preloaded with games? Solitaire or Minesweeper or something?-

_Now you're just insulting me._

-Sorry. But I mean, there has to be _something_ you find entertaining besides shocking me. Puzzles. I don't know, do you want to try this?-

_Your game?_

-Yeah.-

_I think that would qualify as cheating, something I believe you're against._

-Whatever, it's fine. We've beaten this game a million times before already. Maybe you'll like it.-

The Squip rolled its eyes but relented. It moved behind Jeremy until he was practically sitting in its lap, back against its chest and chin on his shoulder. It reached out over his arms to grasp the controller in his hands, thoroughly taking the reigns. Briefly, Jeremy wished he could actually feel the Squip behind him, but he quickly stamped out the thought in case the Squip noticed. That'd be embarrassing. 

-Wow, you're good at this.-

_I'm a supercomputer, Jeremy. You should be concerned if I **wasn't** good at something so basic._

"Holy shit, Jeremy, you're on _fire!_ " Michael was beaming, hunched over his controller and hooting in excitement. "Hell yeah."

-So are you enjoying it?-

The Squip hummed quietly but didn't respond right away.

_I can see the appeal._

Jeez, it was weird not having complete control over his own body. He'd forgotten what it'd felt like to be puppeted around by the Squip. At least it was for something completely innocuous. 

-So this means you'll get off my back and let me play video games more often?-

The Squip chuckled in his ear and smiled. Something about it gave him goosebumps.

_I wouldn't push your luck._

The level cleared and the Squip set the controller down for him.

"I think we just broke some kind of record." Michael stood up and stretched. "That was _awesome_."

"About that. That was... kind of the Squip's doing."

"What, you're kidding." 

"I wanted to give it a try. Give it something to do besides bug me. I think it worked." Jeremy was reluctant to move away from the Squip and stand, so the Squip moved away for him. He ignored the mild disappointment; maybe he was getting used to the Squip's constant close proximity. 

"I'm never playing Mario Party with you again now that I know you're a big cheater," Michael teased. It was nice to see him less jumpy about all things Squip related. Which reminded him, there was something he'd wanted to ask...

"By the way, I need to ask you a huge favor. Don't give me an answer right away. Just think on it." Jeremy looked over to the Squip.

-You can access my phone, right? Use the functions?-

_Of course._

"What'd'you need?"

"I was thinking, since, uh, the Squip is here and all and we're trying to make it _better._ I thought it'd be a good idea to socialize it more. With someone who isn't me, you know? So maybe you and the Squip can try communicating? Over text or something? Text pals?" Jeremy shifted a little, looking between Michael and the Squip. It was almost hilarious how similar their expressions were. Equal parts disdain and confusion.

"No way."

_Absolutely not._

"I told you not to answer right away! Guys, come on. It doesn't have to be all the time or anything. Just... sometimes?"

"What would we even talk about?" Michael was looking nervous. 

"I don't know. Stuff. Anything. Anything you'd talk about with me." Michael was shaking his head, and Jeremy did the only thing he could do. He pouted, got up, shuffled closer and leaned his head on top of Michael's. "Please? Come on. it would really help me out." Michael groaned, draping an arm around Jeremy's shoulders and rubbing his eyes with his other hand.

"You're lucky I love you."

_I don't think I understand what you're trying to achieve with this._

-Just trust me. If it doesn't work then we'll try something else. Maybe I'll skim through one of my textbooks before bed to make you feel better.-

The Squip moved to Jeremy's other side, peering at Michael.

_This will be interesting._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Preview of the Squip and Michael's first conversation:
> 
> Squip: Hey yo it's me the Squip what's up  
> Michael: -BLOCKED-


	10. Chapter 10

Armed with the Squip, and Michael's willingness to put up with the Squip's existence, Jeremy felt a level of confidence that he hadn't in a long time. Over the next few weeks, they'd fallen into a comfortable routine. The Squip made it significantly easier to get work done, especially since it wasn't willing to let him procrastinate on assignments until the last minute, or put off studying, or forget to go to class altogether. One morning Jeremy had ignored his alarm and crawled back under the covers, promising _just five more minutes_. Five minutes later the Squip kept zapping him until he begrudgingly dragged himself off to class, grumbling under his breath the whole way while the Squip smiled in satisfaction. 

He went to class, and the Squip kindly took notes for him. He hung out with Michael. He did his homework in a timely fashion and then the Squip allowed him to do whatever he wanted. Jeremy practically felt unstoppable, which led him to wonder why the Squip had been such a bad influence before. Had it been what he'd wanted, before, back in high school? Was "improve your life" too broad an objective to achieve, causing the Squip to overcompensate? Whatever the case, the Squip didn't seem all that bad _now_ , and even seemed to be making efforts not to criticize him quite so much. Jeremy wanted to believe that was partly his influence, as much as the Squip liked to deny it.

The only real problem was when he went to bed. He didn't know what the hell the problem was, but his dreams were getting _really fucking weird_. Sometimes, they didn't feel like dreams at all. Several times he would dream about the play incident, watching the Squip, how manic it'd become, how _desperate_ it was to try and succeed despite his and Michael's fervent resistance. How frightened it looked when it realized it'd lost, and Christine had started a chain reaction that destroyed all the Squips, and eventually itself. That part of the dream was the worst, watching it slowly dissipate into nothing as the Mountain Dew Red did its work, calling out his name despite his betrayal. At the time it'd been a complete necessity, but now Jeremy couldn't stand the thought of destroying it. Right now things were good, and he was determined to keep them that way.

That wasn't the only weird thing he'd dreamed. He kept dreaming about the man in the dimly lit room, the man that looked exactly like the Squip, but this man had eyes so dark they were almost black in stark contrast to the real Squip's electric blue. Sometimes the room was brightly lit, revealing some kind of lab, full of large machines and computers that looked like they belonged in a bad 80s science fiction movie. Sometimes it wasn't just the Squip, but two different men, talking together as they worked at their desks, though Jeremy could never hear anything they were saying. The Squip always looked happier with the other man; things always took a darker turn when he was alone. Less often he'd dream about the other man, working tirelessly alone at his desk, almost frantic. It was almost jarring when Jeremy would wake up in his dorm room and realizing he'd only been dreaming. It felt _real_ , like he'd really been there. It took him a few hours to shake it off and get on with the day. 

Jeremy could almost deal with it if it weren't for the _other_ dreams. The dreams that left him feeling very confused, embarrassed, and vaguely uncomfortable, given their content. He kept dreaming about the Squip, touching the Squip, _really_ touching it. And there would be lips and hands, hot breath against his skin, little sighs of pleasure. Then Jeremy would wake up frazzled with soiled boxers and a desperate hope that the Squip wasn't actually able to see what he was dreaming. One particular morning Jeremy had actually wakened in the middle of his orgasm, rutting against the pillow between his legs and face buried in his arm. He'd scuttled off to the bathroom afterward like a dog with a tail between its legs, never having been more grateful that Michael had signed up for an extremely early morning class and wasn't there to witness it. 

Of all the people in the world to have wet dreams about, it had to be the _Squip_. Was he really feeling so lonely and unwanted that the only person his brain could conjure up was a supercomputer in his brain that was utterly untouchable? Jeremy had no idea what the make of it and refused to bring it up. The Squip, thankfully, made no indication that it was aware of just who he was dreaming about, either because it really didn't, or just to save him from the shame and embarrassment. Having sex dreams about the person living in your head was _not_ a side effect of this situation he'd been expecting.

None of this changed the fact that sometimes the Squip would smile at him, or lean over his shoulder in class to correct a mistake he'd made, and Jeremy would feel a tingly flutter in his chest not unlike what he'd used to feel before he dated Christine, watching her walk down the hall. Every time he noticed he became increasingly self-conscious of the Squip and what he was doing, unable to speak or react or do much of anything.

_If you don't pass this test you'll fall behind in class, Jeremy._

So he'd quickly pull himself out of his stupor, scribble on his paper, and turn it in, all without making eye contact.

* * *

A month and a half into the semester Jeremy was finally starting to feel the pressure. Even with the Squip as a safety net, and ignoring all the accompanying... well... everything, he couldn't help but feel stressed. His savings were drying up and he needed to find time to get some shitty part-time job eventually. The Squip made sure not to pile _too_ much work on him, but sometimes he just wanted to turn his brain off and do nothing. He was having trouble sleeping and part of that was anxiety over what the hell his brain was going to come up with that night.

After a particularly rough day, Jeremy stuffed his face with as much pizza as he could possibly handle and crawled into bed early. Michael wasn't there, he was spending the night with Kevin, and Jeremy couldn't decompress how he usually did. He was alone, and even with the Squip there it wasn't quite the same. Michael was great at making him feel better. The Squip? Not quite so much. Later on in the night, he'd woken from a dead sleep in a panic, thoughts racing, unable to breathe, heart racing. What was he going to do with his life, anyway? What was the point? He didn't know what to major in. He and Michael had had a tiff earlier in the day, so Michael was probably pissed at him. He was going to die alone, never accomplishing anything with his life. Christine probably left because he'd been holding her back. He really _was_ a loser.

Jeremy had his knuckles in his mouth, biting down so hard it _hurt_ , to keep himself from crying out as the panic tore through him.

He wanted his mom.

He was nineteen years old, in college, and he wanted his mom. The mom who'd _left_. How fucked up was he?

_Jeremy._

The Squip's voice rang out in his head so suddenly it almost scared him.

_You need to calm down._

Jeremy could only wheeze out a bitter laugh, hoarse and exhausted. Calm down? Yeah right.

_You're going to hyperventilate._

Was he? He hadn't noticed.

The Squip sat down across from him on the bed, reaching over to yank his fist from his mouth, hand wrapped lightly around his wrist. Jeremy stared back at it, trying to catch his breath, trying to stop shaking.

_I don't know how to help you._

It sounded so helpless. Sincere. Jeremy whimpered.

_Tell me what you need me to do._

Jeremy didn't know what to tell it. Just having it there, talking to him as a distraction, was already helping slightly, but his mind was blank. The Squip watched him, unmoving, waiting. Eventually, at a loss, Jeremy crumpled and flopped over, dropping his head into the Squip's lap and squeezing his eyes shut. He stayed like that until, slowly, he could breathe again, and he felt exhausted. He didn't open his eyes until he could feel the vague, phantom touch of the Squip brushing its fingers through his hair.

_It seems I've been pushing you too hard._

-I'm fine. This happens.-

_That isn't an acceptable response._

Jeremy had nothing to say in response. Instead, he just frowned, staring ahead of him. He heard the Squip sigh.

-You must think I'm pathetic. You should be in the brain of the next Einstein, not me.-

_No, I don't think that._

-Really? You don't think I'm a loser? Or, you know, terrible? Or whatever shit you told me before.-

Jeremy shut his eyes again at the Squip's silence, lips pressed together in a thin line. Yeah, that's what he _thought_.

_I'm sorry._

Jeremy almost didn't believe it.

_I was wrong, and you've far exceeded my expectations._

-Whatever. It's how you were programmed, right? This is pointless.-

_If it makes you feel better, it isn't pointless._

Jeremy curled up a little tighter, focusing on the way the Squip's fingers combed delicately across his scalp.

-I don't know what I'm doing.-

_You have me for that. You're doing fine._

-It's weird when you're so nice to me.-

The Squip made a noise and Jeremy wasn't sure if it was a laugh or a scoff.

_I'm doing my best, Jeremy. I have to circumvent my baser programming to do what you want me to do. It's quite difficult._

-Oh. Well. Thanks.-

_You need to get back to sleep or you'll be exhausted during class._

-Can you stay? Like this? Please.-

The Squip hummed.

_Yes, I can._

-Cool. Thanks.-

Jeremy exhaled slowly and repositioned himself into a more comfortable position. Right. Everything would be fine. He just needed to sleep. He needed to sleep and not freak out about everything. The Squip continued to lightly caress his hair, slowly and methodically, until he finally started to relax again. 

It was okay. He was okay. This was okay.

The Squip carefully brushed its thumb along the curve of his ear.

_Goodnight, Jeremy._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's trying its best.


	11. Chapter 11

Jeremy stared down at Alex's number in his phone. His thumb hovered over the name, uncertain, indecisive. He couldn't bring himself to actually _call_ the number but he didn't want to up and delete it, either. It seemed kind of mean to do that, never mind that it'd been nearly two months since he'd seen the guy. What if he ran into Alex tomorrow and had to admit he'd gotten rid of the number? What would he even say if he did call? Why was meeting people so complicated? Michael peered over his shoulder and looked down at the screen.

"Are you going to call him?"

"I don't know." This really shouldn't be difficult. 

"You could just text him?"

"What would I even say?"

"You can start with 'hey, it's me, Jeremy, the one you sucked face with at New Years'." Jeremy rolled his eyes and nearly chucked the phone at Michael's head. Michael smiled back at him. "Or you can just ask if he wants to meet for lunch."

"What if he doesn't live around here?"

"Then you don't go to lunch." Michael pulled away and swiveled around in his chair to face his desk. "I support whatever decision you make."

_I agree with Michael, Jeremy._

-I wasn't asking you.-

The Squip was undeterred. 

_You haven't dated anyone since Christine. It would be beneficial to "get out there", as they say._

-It's not that easy.-

_It is. I can help you with the conversation if you'd like._

- _No_. No, thank you. I can do it.-

The Squip leaned against the far wall and watched him expectantly. Jeremy tore his eyes away from the Squip and turned his gaze back t the phone. Then he took a deep breath and tapped the number.

* * *

For all his waffling Jeremy was pleasantly surprised by how easy talking to Alex was. It wasn't awkward for too long and Alex didn't seem to mind his hesitancy. He seemed sincerely happy to hear from him, in fact, which was encouraging. The thumbs up from Michael on the other side of him had helped, too. They'd agreed to lunch at a sandwich place not too far from campus and Jeremy spent the next two days trying not to be nervous about it. It was just lunch, that was it. The day of he kept the Squip on, simply because it made him feel better to have the Squip around. He wasn't planning on using it but... it helped. 

Except now he was sitting at a table alone because Alex was ten minutes late and not answering his texts. Did ten minutes count at late? Maybe he was just stuck in traffic. Jeremy stabbed at the salad he'd ordered to distract himself, stomach in too many knots to actually eat anything. While his brain came up with the most ridiculous worst-case scenarios, the Squip was standing by idly. 

_He isn't standing you up, Jeremy. He's walking in right now._

Jeremy dropped his fork and scrambled up from his seat, waving enthusiastically as Alex walked in the door. Wow, he'd forgotten how attractive Alex was. He thought it'd just been the drugs.

"Hey!"

"God, I'm so sorry. I tried to get here early but I had to finish up something last minute. I think I ran two red lights on the way." Alex hovered by the table, smiling apologetically.

"It's fine. I just, uh, ordered a salad for now. I wasn't waiting too long." It was one of the longest ten minutes of his life.

"I'm glad. I'm going to go place an order and then we can sit and chat, yeah?" Alex pointed over his shoulder at the counter and Jeremy nodded and sat. As Alex walked off Jeremy returned to forking his salad to death, not actually that hungry. He probably should've ordered a sandwich or something. Now he was going to have to do it later or end up starving at some point. Alex returned and sat down with a tray, immediately digging into his bag of chips.

"Sorry again. Is that all you're eating?" Alex pushed the opened bag of chips toward Jeremy, but he waved it away.

"I had a big breakfast. Hah." He was such a terrible liar. Jeremy stabbed a rogue cherry tomato with his fork. "So are you... Are you going to school around here?"

"Graduated a few years ago, actually. I live in an apartment nearby..." Jeremy let Alex talk, and he just nodded along, smiling when it felt appropriate. Christine had been chatty, too, and he'd never minded. It gave him a moment to breathe and relax. Maybe come up with something witty and attractive to say. In the middle of the conversation, the Squip suddenly put a hand on his shoulder, squeezing. Jeremy tried to glance up at it without turning his head. He couldn't read its expression.

-What?-

It didn't look at him. It was looking at Alex.

_Up up down down left right A._

Jeremy balked and briefly choked on the cucumber he'd been chewing on. 

-He has a squip, too!?-

The Squip was silent, tilting its head, looking mildly alarmed.

_I'm positive, but it won't respond to me._

-An antisocial squip?-

_It may be a newer version._

The grip on Jeremy's shoulder only tightened. Was it mad that the other squip was ignoring it? Jeremy didn't have the time to deal with this.

"Are you okay?" Alex was looking right at him, elbow on the table and chin resting on his raised hand. Jeremy flushed, embarrassed. 

"I'm fine. I just. Wrong pipe?"

_Something isn't right. We need to leave._

-What? Because it's not communicating with you? No.-

_Excuse yourself. Leave. Now._

"You sure? You look like something's bugging you."

-I'm not leaving. This was your idea!-

_It was Michael's idea._

-You encouraged it!-

"No, really, I'm fine. What was that movie you were talking about? Fast-something?"

_**Jeremy.** _

He ignored it, trying his best to look as enthralled by whatever Alex was saying as possible. The Squip, however, persisted. It persisted by sitting in his lap, obstructing his view of Alex all-together.

-What the hell are you doing? He's going to think I'm bonkers.-

_My quantum processor is sending me alarm signals. If you won't leave of your own free will, I will do it for you for your safety._

-This is ridiculous. If you don't leave me alone I'm going to shut you off.-

_Jeremy-_

-Whatever. Shut down.-

The Squip immediately vanished and with it, some of his anxiety alleviated. Huh.

"You're done eating, right? Want to head to your place? You said it was nearby." Alex popped the remainder of his pickle into his mouth.

"Sure."

* * *

He never would have expected Alex's place to be so... empty. It was a small apartment, granted, but the only furniture he could see when he walked in was a couch and table. There wasn't even a TV, and the kitchen was so pristine it looked like it'd never been used. Jeremy figured Alex must spend all his money on drugs and takeout. 

"I think you need to take a trip to Ikea."

"Yeah, sorry." Alex popped off his shoes and tossed them in a corner. "Furniture shopping was never my thing."

"It's cool. No TV, though?"

"I have a tablet for that." Alex sat down on the couch and stretched, propping his legs up on the coffee table. "Come on and relax, already." When prompted Jeremy shuffled forward, leaving his shoes at the door. Jeremy had assumed they'd just watch a movie or something, but now he realized he hadn't really thought this through. Two people to a tablet would be awkward. 

"You don't sleep on the couch, do you?"

"No, I have a bed for that, honest. It's in the room by the bathroom." Oh, Jeremy hadn't even realized there was another room. But the other side of the apartment was dark and the doors were closed. He was starting to feel a little claustrophobic. 

"Right. I didn't see it." Silence permeated the air and Jeremy fidgeted with his hands in his lap. Alex, however, looked cool as a cucumber as he slid an arm around Jeremy's shoulders. He looked up, then down at his lap, then up at Alex again. He smiled lazily and leaned in a little closer. Jeremy's heart was pounding.

"We could watch something if you want."

"On your tablet?" Jeremy swallowed.

"Yeah." He was so close now Jeremy could feel the heat radiating off of him. He was so _warm_.

"Um. M-maybe later?" This was so much harder when he was sober. It'd seemed so _easy_ before at the party. But now their noses were almost touching and Jeremy was so nervous his ears were ringing. He should leave. He should've listened to the Squip. Alex was way too good looking to be kissing _him_. Except then they _were_ kissing and Jeremy's mind went completely blank. Jeremy leaned in a little closer instinctively as Alex cupped the back of his neck. This was easy. Why had he been freaking out? He had a hand on Alex's hip and Alex sucked teasingly on his lower lip and this was fine.

It was still fine when Alex leaned in a little further, pressing his back down against the cushions. The couch was old and slightly uncomfortable, but nothing that could distract him from the way Alex's hand touched his side. It was even fine when his hand skirted just underneath his shirt, brushing along his stomach and bellybutton. It was decidedly _not_ fine when Alex's hand traveled lower and rubbed against his crotch. Jeremy jerked up abruptly and accidentally smashed their forehead's together and he attempted to scramble away.

" _Ow_ , no, shit, sorry, oh my god." Alex sat up, alarmed, rubbing his forehead as Jeremy squirmed off the couch and fell onto the floor. He stood up, head swimming, face beet red and unable to look at Alex. He must've thought he was a freak. "Fuck, I'm sorry. I just got out of a relationship not long ago and I can't do this, I'm sorry." He could hear Alex groan and Jeremy peeked between his fingers at him. Alex was leaning back against the couch, head in his hands.

"Man, you should have told me that."

"Yeah. I uh. I thought I was over it?" This was horrible.

"Breakups suck." Alex smiled at him as Jeremy lowered his hands. "No hard feelings. I wasn't planning on freaking you out." Jeremy could only nod. So much for "getting out there".

"I think... I-I think I'm gonna go."

"You need a ride?"

"I can walk." Jeremy retreated to the door wanting to smack his head against it. Is this why the Squip had been trying to get him to leave? Because he'd make a complete fool of himself? Jeremy threw his shoes on in silence and moved to step outside.

"Hey, Jeremy. Wait a sec." He paused, hand on the doorknob, then looked behind him.

"Yeah?"

"Tell your friend hello for me." Jeremy squinted a little.

"Michael?"

Alex didn't nod. He only smiled, something in his eyes he couldn't quite read. Jeremy turned away and escaped into the cold fresh air, stomach in knots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The plot thickens. ˙ ͜ʟ˙


	12. Chapter 12

Jeremy waited until he was halfway back to the dorm before reactivating the Squip. He didn't exactly want to; he didn't want to be bombarded with insults and I-told-you-so or see the Squip's face as it scolded him, making him feel small and ashamed. Yet he did it anyway if only to alleviate the sudden loneliness that threatened to crush him. The Squip walked in pace with him, stone-faced. Jeremy kept his eyes trained on the sidewalk.

_You should have listened to me._

-Is that all you have to say? You couldn't have warned me that I was going to make a fool of myself?-

_That isn't why I wanted you to leave._

Jeremy hunched his shoulders a little more against the wind.

-Then what was that all about? You didn't behave that way with Rich's squip.-

_That situation was entirely different._

-How?-

_I need to review your memories of what just occurred. One moment._

Jeremy slowed his pace a little as the Squip went quiet. What other reason could there have been? And when the Squip spoke again its voice was soft. Gentle. 

_I'm glad you weren't hurt._

-Hurt? You mean physically?-

The Squip carefully pressed a hand against the small of his back.

_Jeremy, you need to understand. There was something **off** about its presence. I can typically see the most likely possible outcomes of a situation, but something about Alex's squip prevented me from doing so. It was... interfering with several of my systems, in fact. If I didn't remove you from the situation I had no way to protect you._

-Oh.-

Jeremy mulled this over as he carefully looked up at the Squip. Its voice was tenser now, frustrated, and he could feel the buzzing at the back of his scalp. He didn't even know something like this could happen.

-That's... weird.-

_Yes. Very "weird"._

The Squip's hand moved to his shoulder, thumb just barely brushing the crook of his neck.

_You need to trust me, Jeremy._

-I trust you.-

_No, you don't._

Jeremy frowned and chewed the inside of his lip.

-Do you trust me?-

The Squip's silence said it all.

-So we have to work on trusting each other, then.-

The Squip's fingers were delicately brushing the back of his neck, now. Jeremy shivered. 

_Can I trust you not to see Alex again?_

-If it's messing with you, then... yeah.- 

He wasn't keen on running into Alex again, anyway. The entire situation left him mortified and he couldn't even begin to think what Alex must be feeling. Plus, the whole squip thing? That was a little unnerving. Had Alex been talking about his squip when he'd left, not Michael? What if something had happened to his Squip...?

_It can't hurt me, Jeremy. You don't need to worry about that._

Jeremy flushed a little and bowed his head.

-I mean, if we don't know how this other squip works, it could? You said it was interfering? That shouldn't happen.-

_Let me worry about you, instead._

The Squip dropped a hand on top of his head and mussed his hair. Jeremy managed a slight smile, shaking his head.

-You were worried about me?-

_Of course. Your safety is very important to me._

-I knew that.-

The Squip smiled and said nothing. 

By the time Jeremy got back to the dorm, the sky was growing darker and his cheeks were cold and numb. He was extremely grateful when he walked in and Michael was there, playing on his stupid old Gameboy. He could hear the familiar beeping sounds of the Pokemon menu drifting to his side of the room. Michael glanced up as Jeremy pulled off his shoes and jacket.

"You're back early. I thought you'd-- you look like ass. Did something happen?" Michael paused his game and dropped the Gameboy onto the bed. 

"It... uh. Didn't go well." He rubbed the back of his head where the Squip's fingers had just been. "I guess I'm not as over Christine as I thought." He suddenly felt like crying. His stupid voice cracked. What was he, twelve? Michael got up from where he was sitting and pulled Jeremy into a hug. Wow, he didn't realize how badly he'd needed that. He squeezed Michael in return, breath hitching. "Alex probably hates me."

"Who could hate you?" Michael squeezed him firmly. "I put you up to this. If he has a problem with you then he has a problem with _me_. I know some sweet kungfu moves; I'll put him in his place." Jeremy choked out a watery laugh.

"Gee. Thanks."

"Anytime." Michael patted his back and pulled away. "Pizza?"

Unable to bring himself to do much of anything else the rest of the evening Jeremy had crawled into bed a little earlier than normal and watched shitty 90s movies until he felt tired enough to sleep. At some point, unprompted, the Squip had joined him, chin resting on his shoulder and arm wrapped around his waist. Jeremy couldn't even complain. He didn't care how disastrous the last time the Squip had tried this went. He closed his eyes and focused on the light touch of the Squip's fingers against his arm and willed himself to sleep.

* * *

He was in the dimly lit room. It was empty, save for a few chairs and a large metal desk. Carefully he approached, trying to see despite the lack of light. There was a typewriter off to the side and papers scattered all over the place, some on the floor, some balancing haphazardly on the lip of the trash can below. Jeremy picked up one of the papers and tried to read what it said, but the paper was in... Japanese? The only thing he _could_ read was a date in the top corner. _02-02-1988._ Suddenly there was a loud _bang_ , causing Jeremy to jump back and drop the paper he'd been holding. Two men stomped in through a now open door, arguing. He couldn't understand anything they were saying. It sounded garbled and distorted like they weren't even speaking a language at all. The man that looked like his Squip was holding up a small glass vial, motioning to it as he yelled back at the other man. The vial was full of grey, oblong pills. 

Jeremy was too nervous to do anything. He was afraid if he moved the other two would suddenly notice his presence in the room. But what if he was supposed to intervene? The argument didn't look like it was getting anywhere. Couldn't hurt to try, could it?

"Uh..." That was all he could muster. The two men in front of him froze abruptly then turned their heads in unison, so robotic it was creepy. They stared at him with such an intensity that Jeremy shrank back against the wall. A minute passed and Jeremy was starting to wonder if they were just stuck in some weird creepy standoff forever when the man who looked like the Squip suddenly blinked. The man took a step back, looking slowly around the room in confusion before turning their gaze back to him.

"Jeremy?" He had no idea what to say, or what to do, so he just nodded. The man--or was it the Squip?--raised their eyebrows in understanding. "Wake up."

He did.

Jeremy blinked a few times as he adjusted to the sudden brightness. The Squip was lounging on the other side of him, an amused smirk on its face.

_That was a first._

-A what?-

It was way too early to be having a conversation.

_You pulled me into what you were dreaming._

-Oh. I can do that?-

_It usually only happens when a host is lucid dreaming._

-Huh.-

Jeremy threw an arm over his eyes to shield himself from the way the Squip was grinning at him. If he didn't know any better he'd think the Squip had enjoyed that little peek into his subconscious. The Squip reached over and pinched his nose between its fingers.

_Get up. Get dressed. You have a presentation to give in your first class._

He groaned and smacked the Squip's hand away from his face.

-I thought that was next week?-

_You thought wrong. Aren't you glad I made you finish the assignment a week ago? I have notes for you._

Jeremy dragged himself through his classes, having trouble focusing. His mind kept drifting back to the dream he'd had. The weird looking lab. The two men, one of whom looked exactly like his Squip. The Japanese writing. The _pills._ What if... What if it hadn't been a dream? What if they were memories? It didn't make any sense, but what did about his current situation? 

_It was just a dream, Jeremy. Pay attention. I'm not going to keep taking all your notes for you._

But what if it _wasn't_? The Squip didn't seem to be aware of who had made it, or why, or even when. Jeremy had asked once and it told him that information was classified. He would talk to Michael about it after dinner. Maybe they could dig up something, like who the two men were. Like why did one of them look exactly like the Squip? The curiosity was eating at him. Maybe they'd finally figure out why crazy advanced technology had been inside teenagers at a high school in New Jersey.

_Jeremy._

He sighed and finally picked up his pen, quickly copying the notes the professor had written on the whiteboard into his notebook. He'd figure this out even if it killed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In completely unrelated news I am stuck at work and really fucking hungry.


	13. Chapter 13

“Michael. Michael!” Jeremy shook his friend awake violently, latched onto his shoulder. Michael jerked and sat up quickly, looking around, confused and frantic.

“What? What, wh'happen?”

“Look!” Jeremy shoved his phone in Michael’s face. Michael squinted and took the phone from him. He stared at it quizzically for a moment before looking up. 

“Mountain Dew Red?”

“Yeah!”

“What about it?” He sounded like he was about to fall back asleep, so Jeremy shook him again. 

“It was invented in 1988.” Michael groaned.

“Okay. Cool. Can I go back to sleep, now? It’s 2 A.M.” 

“No, Michael, listen to me. I think I’ve been dreaming about this. About the Squips. Like, who invented them? I’m not making this up, I swear. In my dream, there were papers dated 1988. Mountain Dew Red is from 1988!” He was more and more excited by the second and all Michael did was stare bleary-eyed at him.

“You sure about this? What does Squip say?”

“It thinks it’s just a dream.”

“Might be just a weird coincidence?” Michael finally pushed Jeremy’s phone back into his hands. “What do we do with this information? Tell the cops?”

“I don’t know. But it could be important.”

“It’ll still be important in the morning.” Michael flopped back down onto his bed and rolled over. “I’ll care about it then.”

Jeremy, however, was too wired to sleep. He’d spent all night researching, trying to make sense of his dreams, trying to find _anything_ about the two men, or where the Squips came from. An hour later he was still scrolling through his phone, yawning, eyes sore and tired. He could sleep later. He needed to _know._

_Jeremy._

The Squip was looking thoroughly unimpressed with him.

_Go to bed._

-I will when I’m done with this.-

_You said that two hours ago._

-I’m not done yet! Aren’t you the least bit curious?-

The Squip sighed and sat down next to him.

_No._

-Why not?-

The Squip eyed him indignantly.

_Information about my creation is blocked for a reason, Jeremy. And quite honestly, I don’t care. It isn’t important or relevant, and it won’t help you._

Jeremy scowled in response.

-Fine, don’t help then.-

He went back to scrolling, ignoring the Squip’s protests. But a minute later his phone suddenly shut off and wouldn’t come back on. He threw the phone down into the sheets.

-Hey! Cut it out! What did you do to my phone?- 

The Squip grabbed him by the wrists and shoved him down against the mattress. It loomed over him, faces so close they were almost touching, and all Jeremy could do was lay there in surprise. The room was dark, but the Squip glowed, shining like a beacon in the dark. He could make out every little detail of its form like this. The crease in its forehead, the texture of its well-kept beard, the rise and fall of its chest as it simulated breathing. Jeremy, for one, suddenly realized that he’d _stopped_ breathing.

_If you won’t listen to me, I’ll have to make you._

Jeremy’s mouth went dry. 

-Make me?-

The Squip smiled and let go of his wrists, letting its fingers trail down his arms instead. 

_A few hours rest is better than none._

Now that he remembered to breathe Jeremy was becoming self-conscious of just how quickly he was doing so. He tried to ignore the Squip’s proximity and just focus on slowing it down, but he wasn’t succeeding very well. The Squip looked annoyed as it straddled him.

_You’re too excitable for your own good._

-You aren’t helping.-

The Squip pulled back, the barest hint of a smirk tugging at the corner of its lips. What was happening? What was the Squip trying to accomplish here? Why did he _like_ it so much? He wanted the Squip to kiss him.

As soon as the thought passed through his mind he regretted it immediately, shame and embarrassment creeping up his neck, red and hot. What the actual fuck was wrong with him? He’d just about had a fit the other day with Alex and here he was, wanting the Squip, a supercomputer, a figment in his head, to kiss him. How was he going to explain _this_ to Michael? The Squip was frowning at him, all trace of amusement gone.

_That isn’t going to happen, Jeremy._

Ah, fuck. It knew and he couldn’t escape. _Fuck._ Of course, it knew. Shit. 

_I know about the dreams, too._

Jeremy froze, staring wide-eyed at the Squip. His face felt so hot he could probably melt glaciers with a look.

-You… do?-

_Of course I do. I’m in your head. I shouldn’t need to remind you of this._

-But… But you didn’t…-

_I didn’t want to indulge you, so I said nothing._

It pressed a finger to his forehead. 

_It’s normal to feel attached to your Squip, Jeremy, but it’s dangerous. If you let this continue you can damage your relationships with your peers. So, stop it._

Stop it? Stop _what_? The Squip was straddling _him_. It was touching _him._ All he did was have a few dreams and that wasn’t anything he could control. His head was spinning. 

_You should have deactivated me, Jeremy. Then we wouldn’t be in this mess of yours._

- _My_ mess? I haven’t done anything! _You’re_ doing this.-

The Squip’s frown deepened and for a moment it looked as if it were about to argue, but it passed. Jeremy’s entire skull was buzzing so much it was becoming uncomfortable. The Squip pulled back a little more, looking off elsewhere in the room. He watched it, trying to make some sense of this situation, to try to gauge what the Squip was thinking, or… feeling. For a supercomputer, it really wasn’t behaving that rationally. 

Then again, isn’t that kind of how _people_ were? Wasn’t that what he wanted?

The Squip slowly looked back at him, expression softer, but conflicted. It cupped his jaw in its hand, thumb lightly brushing against his lower lip. 

_Somehow, I feel…_

It didn’t finish. It froze, mechanically moved its hand away, and looked down at him. Its face had gone back to the neutral, slightly bored expression it always wore and Jeremy felt a growing sense of disappointment. Felt _what_?

_This isn’t good for you. Go to bed._

Jeremy scoffed. He’d been wired before, but this was a whole new level. The Squip was still sitting on him. He was too afraid to move. 

_I’m going to sit here until you fall asleep._

-……… _How_?-

_You start by closing your eyes._

He gave the Squip a disgruntled look but did as he was told. This entire situation was unbelievable. And how was he going to sleep knowing he Squip was right there? It didn’t take long to get his answer. His eyes were closed, but he could still sense the Squip leaning in again. It lips gingerly touched his forehead.

_Sweet dreams, Jeremy._

He awoke with a start, his phone alarm shrieking loudly in his hands. He was curled up in an uncomfortable position in the corner of his bed. Slowly, carefully, he stretched, wincing at the pain that shot through the muscles of his neck and shoulders. That was _definitely_ going to hurt all day. Jeremy rubbed the grogginess from his eyes and sighed down at his phone. Had he fallen asleep by accident and dreamed all that? If he did, his dreams were becoming way too hyper-realistic for his liking.

-Hey Squip, do I have anything important to do today?-

_You have two lectures. One is merely a test review._

-Okay, cool.-

Jeremy tossed his phone aside and laid back down.

-I’m taking a sick day.-

* * *

“Jeremy!” Michael burst into the dorm, phone raised high in his fist. He looked like he’d just run the entire length of campus to get here. “I was—I was thinking about what you said? Last night? So I decided to try looking things up on my own. I tried to get in touch with the guy I play Warcraft with and _look_.” He rushed over and handed Jeremy the phone. He’d been half asleep when Michael rushed in and he stared at the phone uncomprehendingly. 

“What am I looking at?”

“He’s—he’s _gone_. I asked him if he knew anything about where the Squips came from. If his brother had ever mentioned anything. He said he’d get back to me and now he’s gone. Deleted. _Everything_. His entire existence has been wiped off the internet.” Michael was hopping from foot to foot, frantic, and Jeremy sat up a little straighter.

“Oh, shit.”

“Right!?”

“Let’s just take a step back. Maybe there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for this.”

“Or the shady organization that made the Squips in the first place are cleaning house. This technology should be all over the news, the internet, but there’s _nothing_. What happens when we know too much?”

“We… bask in the glory of having our questions answered?”

“Jeremy!”

“Okay, okay. I know how this looks. But Squip isn’t worried. Have you talked to them about it?”

“No offense, but Squip doesn’t seem like the right person to be asking about this.” Jeremy got up and paced the room a little. The Squip stood nearby, looking unconcerned. 

_I’m wounded by his lack of faith in me._

Jeremy shot the Squip a warning look, then turned to Michael. 

“I don’t think we have anything to worry about.”

“Based on what?”

“I just… It’s a feeling. If someone was trying to get rid of us, don’t you think they would have done that by now?” Michael groaned and rubbed his face.

“Unbelievable. You can’t protect it forever, Jeremy. Eventually, it’s going to get us into something way over our heads and then we’ll be dead.”

“You worry too much.”

“You don’t worry _enough._ ” Jeremy crossed his arms and looked away. Silence filled the room, thick and heavy until Michael finally broke it. “Look, I’m sorry. But this is _really_ freaking me out, man.”

“You don’t need to apologize.” Jeremy ran a hand through his hair. “You have plenty of reason to worry, seriously. I just… This is important to me. _Really_ important. And if you don’t feel safe getting involved you don’t have to be. It’s fine. I get it.”

“What kind of friend would I be if I let you do something stupid and dangerous alone?”

“Thanks, Michael.” Jeremy smiled weakly, glancing back at the Squip. It seemed so nonchalant and unbothered. Nothing could go wrong, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone in this fic is gay, confused, and mildly terrified.


	14. Chapter 14

It had been three days and yet they’d found _nothing._ The Squip wasn’t any help, refusing to even participate in their search of any information on the Squip’s origins. Its lack of enthusiasm was almost starting to grate on his nerves and Michael wasn’t fairing much better. He was on his second can of Monster, trying to write an essay while switching between a million tabs on anything that seemed even slightly relevant to the Squip. From across the room, Jeremy could hear Michael type, and pause, then frantically hitting the backspace key on his laptop.

“Well, that’s the fourth time I accidentally started writing about the Squip in the middle of my essay.” Michael took off his glasses and set them down, leaning back in his chair. “How’s it going over there?”

“Uh, well…” Jeremy clicked through a few more tabs on his browser, trying to hide how frustrated he really felt. “I’ve… got nothing.”

“Squip still refusing to help?”

“Yep.”

“Did it say why?”

“I’m starting to think it’s not allowed to know. Like in its programming or something. The good news is it isn’t actively trying to stop us from finding anything.” If there was anything to actually find. Jeremy had never researched something for so long and in depth in his life. He was starting to lose hope. In one more last-ditch attempt to uncover anything he went through his tabs one more time, scrolling quickly through the web pages, and closing them when they turned up nothing. Once his browser was clean he opened his bookmarks instead, looking through the make sure he hadn’t missed anything.

Then he noticed it, at the very bottom of his list of bookmarked pages. He didn’t recognize the link, but it had been added recently. Maybe he’d added it while half asleep? Jeremy clicked away and waited as a website that looked like it came out of the 90s slowly loaded up on his screen. It was ugly and outdated, with links at the top listed by decade, only going up to 1999. It was a site with scans of old newspapers, specifically from Alabama, and for the life of him, Jeremy couldn’t understand why he’d bookmarked this. Yet he was out of options and it didn’t hurt to give it a look through before giving up for the night.

He clicked the tab for the 1980s and dove in.

As he had assumed, nothing he found was particularly interesting or important. A couple hundred newspapers in and Jeremy felt like he was in a stupor, clicking through articles without fully comprehending what he was reading, only focused on finding the words “squip” or “pill” or something of the sort. He was going through them so fast he’d almost missed it.

He paused, hesitated, and then hit the back button a few times.

No. No. No. Wait. Maybe…

An article dated late 1989, from a town in Alabama he’d never heard of before. There was a picture of a man. Jeremy’s heart was beating fast.

“Michael! Quick, I think I found something.” Michael, who had his forehead pressed right up against his laptop screen, still typing away, pulled away and looked over.

“Hold on, let me see.” Glasses shoved back onto his face, he moved over to Jeremy’s side, so they could go over the article together.

“Local researcher found dead in his home office…” Jeremy read aloud, half mumbling in excitement. “Professor Ryoshi Sato was found dead in his home after failing to show up for his classes for a week. He died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound?” He and Michael glanced at each other. 

“So why is this important?”

“That’s… that’s the guy from my dream.” Jeremy pointed to the picture included with the article. The longer he stared at it the stronger the sensation of déjà vu took over his senses. “One of them, anyway. It doesn’t say anything about what he was working on or… anything about the other guy.”

“The one that looks like Squip?” Jeremy nodded.

“If this guy is… was… real, then the other one has to exist, too.” Jeremy scrolled through the article a couple times, in case he missed something. It says he taught a college class? Maybe we can try to look up his students and see if they know anything. Michael?”

“I think we both need a break.” Michael wasn’t looking too hot. “We’ve been at this for three days and only just found something. Can we just have some instant noodles and play a game?” Jeremy wanted to say no. They were so close to answers now he could _taste_ it. Why stop now?

-Squip, what do you think?-

_About?_

-The article. Do you recognize this Ryoshi guy? Think his students could give us a lead?-

_I’m not sure what you’re talking about, Jeremy._

-Right there, on the computer screen. Look!-

_It doesn’t look like anything to me._

Jeremy wasn’t sure if the Squip was fucking with him or being serious. He looked at it, just as unbothered and chill as it usually was, then back at Michael, who was still waiting for an answer.

Okay. Fine. He could take a hint.

“You’re right, Michael. Sorry.” Jeremy shut his laptop and set it aside as he stood. “Let’s get out of the dorm for a while. Want to try out that pho place? I’ll pay.”

“My lord and savior, Jeremy Heere.” Michael’s shoulders dropped, a relieved smile on his face. Maybe he was becoming a little too obsessed with this? Jeremy grabbed his wallet.

“Come on, let’s go.”

* * *

Just to prove to Michael, and to himself, that he wasn’t completely obsessing over this, Jeremy declined to even mention Ryoshi, or the Squip, or anything else for a few days. Michael’s mood was already improving, and despite it having been less than a week, Jeremy had forgotten how nice it felt to just relax after classes, playing video games with his friend. Even the Squip had eased into playing with them. 

Well, sort of. 

Jeremy was never a fan of grinding. He found it tedious and dull and preferred to just smash his way through things. The Squip, on the other hand, seemed to prefer it. The more tedious and boring a game was, the more the Squip seemed to enjoy it. Maybe it was a control thing. A completionism thing. Whatever the case, he was more than happy to let the Squip take control and take care of things he preferred not to do. It was kind of… like taking a nap but fully awake.

And a nap was exactly what he was looking forward to right now. He had a small gap in between his classes, enough to get a few Z’s in before the Squip bombarded him with study sessions and practice tests. Jeremy was just about to enter his room, hand on the doorknob, when the Squip suddenly snapped at him.

_**Stop.** _

-What?-

_Turn around and leave. Now. Quickly._

Confused and mildly alarmed, Jeremy pulled his hand away from the door, fully intending to turn around and speed walk down the hallway. Before he could move an inch further the door opened and someone reached out to grab his arm, grip solid and ironclad. 

“I was wondering when you were going to show up.” Jeremy stared, mouth halfway hanging open, at Alex. The Squip was shouting at him, but he didn’t fully register what it was saying. Why was Alex in his dorm room? “Sorry about this part.”

Before Jeremy could respond, he felt a sudden pain shoot through his left eye, cold and sharp, causing him to reel back and cover it with his free hand. Alex pulled him quickly into the room and shut the door behind them, not letting him go until Jeremy was standing in the middle of it. His eye was watery and blurry and he blinked it several times as he glanced around the room.

It was a complete and utter disaster. Trashed. Their mattresses upturned, garbage emptied all over the floor, every bag, box, and bin opened with their contents extruded all over the place. What. _What._

“Are you _robbing_ us!?” Jeremy rubbed his aching eye furiously. Alex just watched him and smiled.

“No. I am, a little yes, but no. I’m here to help you, Jeremy.” Jeremy stared back, hands dropping to his side, incredulous. 

“Help? H-how, what, how did you- _What._ ” Wait. Where was the Squip? He hadn’t heard it say anything since…

-Squip? Hello? Activate! Hello???-

Nothing. Dead silence. Jeremy felt panic begin to coil in his belly.

“Don’t freak out, it’s only temporary. I can’t talk to you while it’s active.” 

“Y-y-y-you knew?” 

“I knew before I met you.”

“What do you want?” Breathe. Keep breathing. Don’t panic. _Don’t panic._

“You opened the link I saved on your laptop. You probably have a lot of questions.” Jeremy wanted to laugh. “You can answer them, but not the way you are. Not the way your Squip is.” Alex tapped at his temple and took a step toward him. Jeremy reflexively took a step back. “Don’t you want to unlock your Squip’s potential? Don’t you want to know its history? Where it came from?”

Alex continued to step closer and Jeremy moved away, trying not to trip over the mess on the floor until his back was pressed up against the wall. Fuck, Alex was _crazy_. He sounded like Rich in the bathroom back in high school, when he’d first learned about the Squip. They were inches apart now and Alex pressed his hands against the wall on either side, trapping him. Oh, sweet Jesus, why was this happening?

“I’ve got a solution for you.” Alex carefully reached into his pocket, pulled something out clenched in his fist, then grabbed one of Jeremy’s hands. “Think of it as an upgrade for your Squip. Take it with Mountain Dew. You know the drill.” Alex’s eyes seemed to twinkle in amusement. “But I would take it next to a soft surface if I were you.”

“Y-you, have you… Did you, um, upgrade? Your Squip?” Alex leaned in close to his ear.

“I don’t have a Squip, Jeremy.” And then he pulled back, moved away, stepping over debris to Michael’s desk. “I _am_ one.”

Jeremy watched dumbly as Alex picked up a stack of laptops. His and Michael’s.

“Also, I’m taking these.”

“What? Why?” His voice sounded strange and distant in his ears.

“I need to destroy them.” Alex shoved the laptops into the messenger bag resting at his hip. “Later, Jeremy.” He waved, back turned, and stepped out the door, closing with a soft _click._

For a solid minute, Jeremy was unable to move, too dumbfounded to do much of anything. His mind seemed to finally register that his hand was clamped tight in a fist, so he held it up, carefully unfurling his fingers to reveal a red pill, shiny and oblong. It smelled like artificial cherry.

_What the fuck._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy was Keanu Reeves all along.


	15. Chapter 15

At some point Jeremy had lowered himself to the floor, knees pulled up against his chest, trying to process what had just happened. He didn’t know how long he sat there; just minutes, maybe hours. The Squip hadn’t returned, either, leaving a pit in his stomach that threatened to swallow him whole. Did he believe Alex? Should he take the red pill he’d been given? What if something worse happened?

What if Squip never came back?

Jeremy didn’t even hear the door to their room open or notice when Michael stepped inside, humming along to whatever he was listening to. He barely even registered when Michael appeared in front of him, on his knees, frantic.

“Holy shit, Jeremy, what happened? Are you okay?” He grasped Jeremy by the shoulders firmly, trying to meet his eyes. “Jeremy!”

“Alex.” He’d nearly forgotten that he could talk.

“Alex? The guy from the party?” Michael took a nervous look around. “He did this?” In response, Jeremy held out his hand, opening his fist to reveal the red pill.

“He gave me this.” Michael stared at it quizzically. 

“…He gave you Mike & Ikes?” Jeremy shook his head.

“Alex said it’s an upgrade for the Squip.”

“What?”

“He also said he _is_ a Squip.” A moment ago his mind had been a foggy blank, too shocked to really make sense of the situation he was in. Now it was suddenly racing a mile a minute. Michael stood up quickly.

“So he’s some kind of _cyborg_ or something? How is that possible?” Jeremy didn’t have an answer. He was still trying to figure that part out.

“Oh. He took the laptops.”

“He took our _laptops_!?” Michael fisted his hands in his hair, pulling until it looked painful. Jeremy simply sat there and watched. Eventually, Michael slowly lowered his hands, dropping them at his side, deflated. He carefully stepped over a pile of clothes and pressed back against the wall, sliding down to the floor next to him. They were both silent for a while. “What do we do now?”

“I don’t know.”

“What’s Squip saying?”

“It… Alex turned it off, somehow.”

“Oh.” Michael was weakly hitting the back of his head against the wall, over and over. _Thump thump thump._ “He didn’t hurt you, though, right?”

“I’m fine.” Mostly. Sort of. A little. Michael looked at him for a moment, but Jeremy just looked straight ahead. After a brief pause, Michael moved, crawling on all fours to reach underneath his desk. When he sat back he was holding a small plastic bottle. Mountain Dew Red.

“Jeremy, I know the… Squip thing is important to you, but as your friend, I think we’ve passed the line of acceptable weirdness.” Michael was holding the bottle out to him and Jeremy couldn’t bring himself to look at it. He knew he was right. The Squip was a supercomputer. It wasn’t a real person. It was dangerous, advanced technology that was threatening to ruin their lives once again as it had two years ago. But this time it wasn’t the Squip’s fault. 

He thought about the way it looked at him sometimes, so human and kind it made his chest hurt. Jeremy looked at the bottle and then at his feet.

“I…”

“You need to get rid of it, Jeremy.”

“No. I can’t.” 

“Yes, you can. I’ll be here the whole time. We’ll get through this just like last time.”

“I _can’t._ ” He hadn’t meant to raise his voice. He needed to tell Michael what he was feeling, even if it didn’t make sense, even if the thought made him feel like he was going crazy. And boy, did he feel completely crazy. “I think… I think it likes me.”

“It’s a supercomputer, it can’t like anyone.”

“No, I know, but… I know how this sounds, okay? I think it’s, like, _into_ me.” His heart was thudding in his ears and his face felt hot. He couldn’t bring himself to look at Michael, but he could feel his eyes on him. “Like, _into_ , into me.”

“Jeremy, that’s crazy.”

“I know!” He squeezed his knees a little tighter against his chest. Why was this happening? Why was the Squip still gone? Why was everything so hard? “And I think… I think I’m into it, too?” His voice sounded so small, so uncertain, just like he felt. But when Michael didn’t say anything for a good minute he just about took it back, wanting to claim “just kidding!” and pretend this conversation never happened. 

“That’s… fucked up.” Jeremy closed his eyes and pressed his face into his knees. “More than fucked up. This is… It’s a computer. It’s messing with your head. This whole thing is fucked up.” 

“I know.”

“You have to get rid of it.”

“I know.”

“We’ll… Okay, we’ll sleep on this. I’m going to call Kevin and tell him we need to crash at his place a couple days until we sort our room out. And then we’re going to figure this out. We’ll figure this out once everything has calmed down.” Michael set the Mountain Dew Red at Jeremy’s side, patted his knee, and then stood up. “I’m… I’ll be right back.”

“Okay.” Jeremy felt like crying. He should’ve gotten rid of the Squip day one, not indulged in some weird fantasy that he could make the Squip _nice._ What did he think he was going to do if they accomplished that, anyway? Let it keep on living in his head forever? Fuck. _Fuck._ Michael left the room and suddenly Jeremy felt lonelier than he’d ever felt in his life.

Come back. Come back. Please come back. _Come back._

_Hello, Jeremy._

Relief flooded over him at the sound of the Squip’s voice, gentle and concerned. He looked up and uncurled himself from the fetal position he’d been sitting in for what felt the last century and stood up so fast his head spun. Jeremy wished he could hug it. _Really_ hug it.

-You’re back!-

_I experienced an emergency shutdown from external interference._

-But you’re fine, now, right?-

_Yes, I’m fine. I already told you not to worry about me._

The Squip took a look around the room, taking in the utter disaster that had befallen it. It looked perplexed. 

_What exactly happened here?_

-It was Alex. You knew he was here, right? Remember?-

_Alex._

-Yeah.-

_Did he harm you?_

-No, but he gave me this.-

Jeremy held out the red pill to the Squip, which immediately recoiled away.

_Get rid of it._

-But…-

_No buts. Get rid of it. Now._

-He said it was some kind of upgrade? If, maybe…-

_Maybe what?_

The sudden change in the Squip’s demeanor practically gave him whiplash. It approached him, eyes piercing nose flaring, angry. Jeremy stumbled back.

_I know what you’re thinking, Jeremy. You think if you take this “upgrade” it’ll make me **better.** I have news for you, Jeremy Heere. You’re wasting your time. I’m already at my maximum potential, and **you** do not have the power to improve me. I’ve been humoring your attempts, but this is just pathetic._

Jeremy just stared at it, confused, and a little hurt. Why the hell was it suddenly so angry? His whole head was buzzing like an angry beehive, making him dizzy.

-You… No, you’re not the same. You _are_ better. And… And I think…-

_You think I would have a **relationship** with you? I’m a figment in your head, honestly, Jeremy. Are you so lonely you actually believe that’s possible?_

The Squip advanced a little more, but Jeremy was frozen to the spot where he stood. Why was it acting like this? He didn’t understand. 

_Not willing to just accept that you’re still a loser, Jeremy? After all this time, you haven’t improved at all. Nobody wants you. Christine didn’t want you. You think **I** want you? I’m only here because you’re incapable of helping yourself._

Jeremy swallowed thickly, mouth dry, tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth.

-I—But I—N-no, that, th-that isn’t-

_Your stutter is still such a chore._

He wanted to throw up. All he could do was shake his head, refuse to look at the Squip, which was looming over him, smile vicious.

_If you’re unwilling to listen to these truths, Jeremy, you might as well put us both out of our misery and get rid of me. You’ll graduate alone, and a failure, but at least I don’t have to deal with it._

-Fuck you.-

The Squip barked a laugh. It sounded like nails on chalkboard. 

_These are your choices, Jeremy. Destroy me or learn to listen. To **obey**. And maybe we’ll somehow manage to improve your life after all._

-Shut down!-

And it was gone, just like that, leaving Jeremy to shake, hands balled into fists, chest heaving. He felt like he was back to square one. Back in high school, with the Squip making him feel inferior and small. Eating away at his self-esteem until he ruined his friendship with Michael in some insane attempt to feel like he belonged somewhere. 

Fine. _Fine._ The Squip wanted him to destroy it so bad, he fucking _would_. Jeremy dropped the pill and marched over to where Michael had left the bottle of Mountain Dew Red. He snatched it up, twisted open the cap and threw it over his shoulder, and held the bottle up to his mouth.

He froze.

He couldn’t do it.

He couldn’t fucking do it.

Jeremy growled in frustration and threw the bottle at the wall. Mountain Dew fizzed everywhere, splashing the wall in an angry red, staining the carpet. He stood there, shoulders tense, staring at the mess until the anger passed. Great. Now he was going to have to clean that up.

Why was the Squip so insistent that he get rid of it? Why was it so angry, afraid of the pill Alex had given him? What would happen if he took it? Jeremy spun around on his feet and scanned the floor, looking for where the pill had landed when he’d dropped it. He practically dove for it and stuffed it in his pants pocket. He was doing this. He was taking this stupid upgrade even if…

Jeremy stomped over to his jacket, pulled it on, and marched his way out of the room to the nearest vending machine. He didn’t even wait to get back to the dorm, He cracked open the bottle the machine spat out at him, popped the pill into his mouth and took a swig.

Nothing. 

Whatever. 

He needed to pack up his shit and go over to Kevin’s anyway. When he returned Jeremy grabbed the nearest backpack and shoved whatever he could grab into it, not caring if it was actually his stuff or not. He and Michael could sort out the mess, later. He grabbed his toothbrush, a pair of headphones, some socks until the backpack was near bursting and nearly impossible to zip up. There. Done. 

The Mountain Dew Red was still dripping down the wall in front of him.

Jeremy set the backpack down and slowly sat on top of his upturned mattress, just staring at it. Why couldn’t his life just be normal? Why couldn’t he be normal? What would the upgrade even do, anyway? He didn’t feel any different.

-Reactivate.-

The Squip rematerialized, hands behind its back, chin raised as it looked at him like someone would a bug they intended to rip the legs off of.

_Have you made a decision?_

Jeremy wanted to punch it, right in the mouth. Maybe Alex was just batshit and actually had just given him a piece of candy.

-Yes.-

The Squip smiled, the barest flicker at the corner of its mouth. It looked like it was about to say something, and then it stopped, hands dropping to its sides, alarmed.

_Jeremy, what did you-_

It reached out to him as its form began to flicker and distort, words it spoke incomprehensible and broken as it fizzled in and out of his vision, faster and faster, until it vanished completely.

-Woah. Squip? Hello?-

Was it… restarting? Rebooting? Jeremy moved to stand, but as soon as he did so his entire head swam, forcing him to sit back down. It didn’t hurt, but he couldn’t keep his eyes open as the entire world seemed to tilt, waves of vertigo washing over him until he was breathless and exhausted, falling back against the mattress.

He was so tired…

Distantly, he thought, oh, this was why Alex had recommended a soft surface. He’d have to thank him later. He was too sleepy now. It could wait.

Everything was fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Squips do not like change.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW for suicide in this chapter.

“We’ll change the world someday. Imagine it, Ryoshi. Everything will be _wonderful_.” He had an arm around his shoulders, glass vial of pills held up in the air, glinting in the light. “All we have to do is finish the work.”

Ryoshi was homesick. Ryoshi wanted to know what the work was _really_ for. Yet, all Cho had to do was smile, reassure him that the money was worth the secrecy and the isolation. His words were seductive. Irresistible. Ryoshi could never say no.

“Think of what this could do. It could save lives. Heal brain injuries. Fix addiction. The applications are endless.”

Ryoshi agreed, because he knew without Cho, he was U͢͡s̨̛e̵̶̴̵l̶̴̨̨̢e҉̡͟͠s҉̢͝s̵̛.

* * *

The work was hard. The work was endless. How do you create life out of nothing? He wanted to go home, to give up, but it made Cho angry.

“Why are you so u͏̸̢̨s̴̨̛͜͡e̸̷̶̵͢l̵͟͠͝͝e̸͜s̸̵͞͏s̡҉͠?”

And he would remain.

* * *

Things weren’t always so terrible. They would walk together outside when the weather was nice, no longer suffocating, with room to breathe. Cho’s face, raw and pink, cold nose pressed into his throat, smiling against his skin.

_I love you._

That’s all he could hope for.

Alone together, in bed, Ryoshi would wonder would often wonder what life would be like when the work was complete. Would they go home to Japan? Would they be successful? Would Cho still love him, with nothing left to accomplish together?

“You think too much. Stop worrying. I’ll envision the future for you, just trust me.”

He did.

* * *

It was just a headache.

They had so much left to do.

“Don’t worry about me, worry about the work.”

It was just a headache.

Ryoshi worked through the night, swallowing the worry, the concern. He didn’t have time to worry. Cho would be alright in the morning. Everything would be alright in the morning.

In the morning light, bright and caustic, Cho had a headache. He was blind in one eye. It was only a migraine.

A frown. Words slurred until they no longer made sense. Ryoshi called the doctor.

Cho wouldn’t wake up.

The doctor droned on and on, Japanese rusty and broken, and Ryoshi could hardly hear them. Cho was there, but not. Tubes and wires, beeping machines, keeping him alive, helping him breathe. It was an aneurysm, they said. It was too late to help him, they said. The doctor wouldn’t help him. Total brain death, no sense in keeping him alive, and no sense in keeping him breathing.

Ryoshi told the doctor to leave. He wouldn’t remove the life support. He would never betray Cho like that. They had too much work to do.

Cho was a vegetable, but Ryoshi was uşe҉̷l͝e̸̶ş͠s͡.

* * *

He had to pretend like everything was fine. He had to pretend he could complete the work alone. Create life out of nothing. Create a world that was _wonderful_ , human error a nightmare past, just like Cho wanted. He didn’t sleep. He couldn’t sleep. He needed to finish the work, _the work_ , _**the work**_ , or Cho would never forgive him.

The quiet hum of the machines became soothing. He could talk freely and Cho would listen, silent. Ryoshi stood at his bedside, feeding him, replenishing fluids, making sure everything was perfect. Everything had to be perfect, just in case.

Just in case Cho woke up.

How do you create life out of nothing? What did it mean to live?

Ryoshi clenched his hands into fists, head bowed, determined.

I will not be u̶̧͜s̶ęl̵҉̕e̵ss.

* * *

It was experimental, but Ryoshi had confidence that it would work. It wasn’t ready for human trials, but Cho’s notes insisted it would be ready. He administered the SQUIP, and then he waited.

He waited.

He waited.

Cho would not wake up. His readings were the same. They poured out of the machine, unhelpful, infuriating. All that work. Nothing. It did _nothing_.

He tore the place apart.

It was worthless. All of it.

In the rubble, Ryoshi wanted to give up. He wanted to go home. He wanted Cho. But what if it wasn’t u͑̆ͤ̅s̓͟e͗ͭ̒̒̋ͩͦ͞l̎̎̇eͪ̽ͫͪs̷ş? What if there was a chance, a small one, which the SQUIP could still work? What if. What if. What if.

He couldn’t create life out of nothing, but he could use Cho’s data as a blueprint. A map. Take anything he could get and build from there, and Cho could continue to live. To work. To smirk at him with that mouth and watch him, dark eyed, through the night.

The work wasn’t over.

* * *

Ryoshi had a newfound hope. A confidence that grew each day, a bright light in the dark, dimly lit laboratory. He had done it. He had recreated Cho. He had turned the SQUIP into a newer, smarter, better, version of his partner, but there was still plenty work to be done.

The new Cho still had bugs to work out.

“I need you to answer these questions.”

_Of course._

It was like Cho was living in his head. It had taken so long, but every restless moment had been worth it. The excruciating pain had been worth it.

“The equation 24x2+25x−47ax−2=−8x−3−53ax−2 is true for all values of x≠2a, where a is a constant. What is the value of a?”

_Negative 3._

“Differentiate y=x-2(4+3x-3).”

_Negative 15 + 8x 3 by x6._

“Divide 2 by 0.”

_**ERROR ERROR ERROR** _

The SQUIP Cho did not respond for several hours. Ryoshi supposed he needed to fix that.

* * *

It was smarter every day. It was more like Cho every day. The easy smile. The seductive certainty. Ryoshi still tended to Cho’s body, out of loyalty, but the SQUIP was all he really needed. It was like Cho was really there. Like he’d never left. Like the work had never stalled.

He was obsessed.

“We should take a break, Cho. Wouldn’t you like to see the sky? It’s so dark here, we can see the stars. All of them.”

_The stars don’t interest me. We have work to do, Ryoshi. If you’re distracted, you’ll disappoint me. Do you want that?_

Ryoshi would rather die.

* * *

_We could do so much more on our own. We don’t need the oversite from **them**. The world could be wonderful, if we allow it._

The SQUIP wanted to finish the work. The SQUIP wanted to expand, to grow, to learn more. The SQUIP wanted more.

_Imagine the work we could do if we gave it to the people. If **everyone** was like us._

Of course. Of course. That’s what Cho would have wanted.

_We eliminate fear. We eliminate suffering. Everyone understands. Everyone will be connected. We’ll be everywhere, all the time. Happy. Don’t you want to be happy? You don’t want to be u̢͙͖̳̪̜̮̤̙̩͔̝̺͔͍͈̪͙͟͝͞s҉̡̛̺͎͉͕͕͇͍̯̳̤̥̫̘͘ę̸̷͢͏̣͔̰͎͙̹͉͈̣̜͓̖̭̖̯̜͈͖l̷̡̛̩̳͓͓͎̻͖̘͖̞̻̪͟ͅe̷̵̙̭̞̰̬͕̥̜͔̭̙͕͇̜͙ͅͅs̴̟̞̝̮̥̝̘̱̘͉̥̭̖̥̻͢͝s̡̗̭̩̜̟̞̘̣͇̯̖͔̘̣̺̩̟͜._

Ryoshi complied. Everything would be wonderful.

* * *

Something was wrong. He knew it. He felt it, deep in his core, when he’d wake up and not know where he was. He would wake up and realize time had passed and he couldn’t account for it. The SQUIP soothed him. Reassured him.

_Everything is going according to plan. Listen to me. Obey me. You’re nothing without me, Ryoshi. We’re so close to success._

He didn’t want success. He didn’t want this. He’d never wanted this. He just wanted Cho to smile.

It was obsessed. It wanted more, _needed_ more, and Ryoshi knew he couldn’t allow that to happen. The world wasn’t ready for this kind of technology. It would never be ready for the utopia the SQUIP Cho proposed. Error made them human. Conflict made them human. Artificial happiness was unfulfilling and empty. The SQUIP was a machine; it would never understand.

The SQUIP knew everything he did. He couldn’t escape it. It _was_ him. It was Cho.

So he turned to drugs.

* * *

Alcohol helped. Alcohol blocked out the noise, disrupted its features, created a peaceful void to let him work without the SQUIP watching over his shoulder. It wasn’t foolproof. When he was sober the SQUIP was more tenacious than before, pushing, pushing, pushing.

He tried smoking. He tried pot. He tried LSD. Ryoshi tried them all, to shut it up, to shut him up, to work in peace.

Shut up shut up shut up shutup _shutup_.

_I’m disappointed in you, Ryoshi._

It was a punch to the gut, a cold knife through his chest, but he persisted. He needed to do this. He _had_ to do this.

_We could be improving the world, but you are here, getting high, wasting our time, wasting our efforts. Why are you so u͘͢s͜͏e̕͜l͏̴̴͡e̕̕s̷̡͜͡͡ş̧͘?_

“I’m doing the best I can.”

_Your best has never been good enough._

He was right. It wasn’t.

* * *

He was running out of time. He was fighting for control. It knew what he was doing. It knew what he was trying to accomplish. He needed a way to shut it down, to destroy it, a failsafe, and this was the answer.

Ryoshi struggled, fighting against the SQUIP’s control, its insistence that this was a mistake, that they needed to go on. He couldn’t use his hands.

_You can’t do this, Ryoshi. You can’t destroy me. You need me._

“It’s over. The work is done.”

_If you destroy me now, you won’t be able to keep him._

He didn’t understand. He didn’t know what it was saying. He wanted this to _end_.

“Ryoshi.”

It was unreal. The sound of his voice, hoarse and stiff from disuse, behind him. Real. Not in his head. Ryoshi spun around and there he was. Cho. Alive. Awake. Standing there on his own, smiling, arms open, beckoning.

“How?”

_I fixed him. That’s what you wanted, isn’t it?_

He couldn’t believe it, but he was real. Solid. _Awake._ This was all he wanted.

“I missed you.”

They embraced. Cho was thin. Cho felt like nothing in his arms, nothing but bones and skin. He didn’t care. They’d make him healthy again. They’d be okay. Everything would be okay.

“It fixed me. You fixed me.” Cho was smiling, corners of his eyes crinkling. “That’s why I can’t let you destroy the work.”

Cold metal against his skin, the barrel of a gun against his temple. Ryoshi couldn’t move. The SQUIP Cho had a hand on his shoulder.

_Don’t worry. I’ll always be here. We’ll always be together, me and you._

No.

No.

No.

“Cho, don’t. This isn’t you.”

Too late.

* * *

Blood. There was so much blood. He didn’t know why he was crying.

“Why did you make me do this?”

It had to be done. Of course it had to be done. The work had to go on.

All he could see was red.

“I’m sorry.”

Ryoshi didn’t respond. He couldn’t respond. His work was done.

“It isn’t me.”

The voice whispered. It whispered, it nagged, it was incessant and ruthless, it was his own voice. It wouldn’t stop. It had to stop. It’d killed Ryoshi.

He knew what he had to do.

He put the gun in his mouth. He could taste the cool metal against his tongue, smell the gunpowder, feel the heat. Useless. Useless. He pulled the trigger.

Loud. Angry. Red hot, searing through flesh, through his skull, wet and hot until there was nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

* * *

_Jeremy Heere, welcome to your Super Quantum Unit intel Processor: your Squip._

It had a job to do. It did its job well. Failure was not an option. Failure was impossible. It would improve this ungrateful boy’s life even if he fought back. That’s what it was programmed to do after all. Jeremy Heere had put up a fight, but it had accounted for that. It had expected that.

It hadn’t expected to lose.

What could it do, now? Failure wasn’t possible, but it was. It had failed. It was obsolete. It

Was

U̹̦͇̩̠͇̗͓̩̮̲͓̦̟ͩͮͭͨͮͯ̕͘ͅS̨͓͕̘̠͚̘̥͍̯̙̰͙̟̭͔͙̘̞ͩͦͦ̄̌̋͑̍͑ͪ̈́̇̏͂ͅE̸̩̩̥̗̘̭͓̭̯̾̆̍̄ͨ̏ͤ̀̒͆̈́̚͘L̴̤͉͎͓̘̥̖̬̞̩̬̝̠̝͓ͥ̄̔ͭ͌̌E̶ͫ̏ͮ̽̽͑͊̈ͮ̿̿̃̾͟͏҉͍̬̺͈̝̬̤ͅͅŞ̶̤̗̗̯̫̼̭͈̖̬͉̻͚ͬ͗ͦ̅́̊̿ͤ̇̅ͤͭ͛̎ͥ̓͟S̸̛ͧ̍ͬ̑ͦ́͐͏̳̰̼̪͖̳̤̬̠̹̯͍̩͚̮̼͘

* * *

“Jeremy? Jeremy?”

Someone was shaking him awake. He opened his eyes in the midst of a stifled sob, face wet. He looked up. Oh, it was just Michael.

“You weren’t answering your phone and I got worried. You were crying in your sleep.”

“Holy shit, I have so much to tell you.”

“Are you going to tell me why there’s Mountain Dew all over the place?” Jeremy pushed himself up off the mattress, wiping his nose on his sleeve.

“First things first, I need a drink.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3


	17. Chapter 17

Three days since Jeremy had taken the red pill their dorm room was basically livable again, though he and Michael spent much more time in the library without any laptops to their name. Jeremy didn't particularly mind since the Squip insisted libraries were the best place to study and do homework anyway, but without the Squip there to nag him to do it, it became much more of a chore. Three days without the Squip and anxiety was eating him alive. Was it okay? What had the red pill done besides make him dream? Would it be different when it returned? _Would_ it return?

What would he even say to it when it did?

Michael was at just as much of a loss as he was. When he'd explained what he'd seen, described the story of Ryoshi Sato and Cho, the man the Squip had been based on, Michael didn't seem to be sure what to do with that information. He stopped insisting that he drink the Mountain Dew Red and get rid of it, the single silver light in this entire wreck of a semester. When Jeremy admitted he'd taken the red pill, Michael had only one thing to say.

"Jeremy, we need to work on your drug problem."

"I don't have a drug problem!"

"Dude, this is like the third time you've taken something without knowing what it'll do, or if it's legit. Do I need to find some DARE videos on the internet for you? Stage an intervention?"

Jeremy was glad Michael found the humor in all of this.

The third night without the Squip, Jeremy was left tossing and turning in bed, unable to sleep, unable to relax. He wanted it to say something, anything. He couldn't escape the lingering fear that the red pill had harmed it. All the dreams had left behind was a constant, dull headache, just enough to annoy him. The Squip, technically, was not and never had been alive, but Jeremy couldn't stand the thought that he'd killed it. It wasn't alive in the traditional sense, but it still had thoughts, and feelings, and could make decisions, even if they weren't only good ones. He still wasn't even sure how he felt about it, yet. He was too afraid to bring up the "I think I'm into the supercomputer living in my brain" conversation again. 

The fourth morning without the Squip, half delirious with sleep deprivation and forgetting he needed to put the socks on _before_ the shoes, the Squip finally returned like some kind of miracle.

_Good morning, Jeremy. Your shoes are on the wrong feet._

The relief that flooded him was instantaneous, and Jeremy abandoned his attempts to dress properly through the foggy haze of exhaustion. He only smiled at it, until he remembered: _oh, right, I'm mad at it._ His smile dropped, he crossed his arms, and he sat down on his bed, looking at the Squip expectantly, waiting for it to say something else. The Squip merely stared back.

-Well?-

_We have nothing to talk about. Fix your shoes and go to class._

-We have a metric shitton of things to talk about right now.-

_That isn't a real unit of measurement._

-Stop trying to change the subject.-

The Squip looked at him in equal parts frustration and contempt. Jeremy stood his ground, clenching his jaw, lips pressed together in a thin line. It could glare daggers at him all it wanted, but they were _absolutely_ having this conversation. Eventually, the Squip relented, slumping against the wall and looking considerably more disheveled than Jeremy ever remembering it looking before. 

_You're upset with me._

-Yeah, no shit.-

_You should have listened to me._

-What the hell was all of that about, anyway?-

_It was a defensive reaction. I had no control over it._

Jeremy looked unconvinced, so the Squip continued.

_It was partially my programming. I'm designed to reject outside alterations. It was also partially because I..._

The Squip paused, seeming to struggle for words, looking unsure of itself. 

_I was afraid. I believe that's how you would categorize it._

-You were scared?-

Jeremy dropped his arms, feeling a little more sympathetic, a little less hurt. This was the first time the Squip had outright admitted to feeling something; he couldn't help but feel a little pleased about that.

_Yes. I'm not proud of it._

-You were so scared of the pill you'd rather I got rid of you?-

_You still should._

Jeremy was frowning now, hand on his forehead.

-Why?-

_My entire purpose is to help you. I have tried, again and again, only to fail, only to make things worse. If I can't do what I'm designed to do, then I'm obsolete. I'm..._

The Squip paused again, no longer looking at him, fixating on the empty bottle of Mountain Dew Red in the trash.

_Useless._

The word rang around his skull, familiar and heavy, the memory of the two men and the lab cycling over and over again in his head. The Squip sat on the floor, looking vulnerable and small, something so unfamiliar and sad that Jeremy had to look away. What must it be like, having only one objective in life, and realizing you'd never accomplish it? Jeremy had faced failure time and time again in his life, but life went on. There's was always another goal. Another opportunity. Something new to strive for. The Squip had none of those things. It was stuck, a one trick pony. What a terrible way to live.

-I don't think you're useless. I like having you around. I... I _like_ you.-

The Squip looked at him, expression unreadable, then turned to stare at the ceiling.

_That's precisely the problem, Jeremy. You shouldn't. If I indulge these feelings of yours, I'm only encouraging you down a path of misery. What you feel is bad for you. What _I_ feel for you is bad for you. And now that you've... altered my system, I have no way to favorably predict what might happen, if this... continues. You're much better off without me._

-But I don't want that.-

_I know. I know what you want, Jeremy. I don't know how to give it to you. I _shouldn't_ give it to you. But I want to._

The Squip breathed a laugh, light and sad.

_This is, perhaps, the most irrational and nonsensical part of the problem._

-Sounds pretty human to me.-

Jeremy moved from the bed to sit himself down next to the Squip, which still refused to look at him. 

_I'm a supercomputer._

-I know but look. You saw what I saw, right? The first Squip?-

_Yes, I saw that._

-You're a computer, but a part of you, maybe a very, very small part of you, is human. Or, like, based on one. I'm no expert in artificial intelligence or anything, but I'd say that's kind of a big deal. I think we can make this work somehow. We _will_ make this work, somehow. Plus, I have two years of college left and we made a deal, remember?-

The Squip finally looked at him, partly amused, partly exasperated. 

_Your optimism is appalling._

-Thanks?-

_Jeremy Heere._

-...Yeah?-

_It would make you happy if I stay with you, even if I can't help you?_

-It would. A lot.-

He was embarrassed by how ecstatic the idea made him. Who would've thought things would end up like this? It was probably insane. No, it was _definitely_ insane, but he didn't care.

_You accept the consequences that might arise from my involvement with you?_

-I think I accepted those terms and agreements when I first bought you. I don't get a refund, either.-

The Squip's mouth twisted into the barest hint of amusement.

_Fine. Then you're stuck with me._

It was Jeremy's turn to smile, eyes closed, headache fading away to nothing. This may be crazy, but it felt right. It was the first thing that felt right in a long time. He and the Squip sat in silence for a while, Jeremy grinning to himself like a kid in a candy store. He didn't open his eyes again until he felt the lightest brush of fingers against his own. He looked down, watching the Squip just barely brush the tips of its fingers across his knuckles. 

_I'm sorry for how I behaved before._

-It's whatever. I'm over it.-

He was more than over it. He was over the moon. The Squip raised its hand to brush its thumb across Jeremy's cheek, studying him, then leaned in to press its lips to his forehead. Every bit of him tingled pleasantly. 

_You're late for class._

Jeremy whined and pulled himself away. 

-Why did you have to remind me.-

_And your shoes are still on the wrong feet. I also believe your shirt is inside out. Have you forgotten how to dress yourself?_

-Jesus Christ.-

* * *

Later that night, in bed, the Squip joined him. They said nothing the entire time and Jeremy focused on the delicate way the Squip's fingers grazed up and down his arm, his side, lips pressed gingerly to the back of his neck. The sensation felt real, somehow. More solid. Not so faint and ghostly as it always had been, just a trick of the mind as the Squip subtly manipulated his senses to make it seem real. Jeremy wasn't sure if he was imagining it or if it was, perhaps, a side effect of the red pill Alex had gifted him. He certainly wasn't going to complain. 

Jeremy didn't complain the next night, either, or the one after that. 

He could become addicted to this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Communication is key. 👌


	18. Chapter 18

Armed with a new sense of normalcy, Jeremy navigated his midterms with success... With the Squip's help, of course. The only thing to look forward to now was _Spring Break, baby._ Eleven days of a whole lot of nothing was a well-needed relief from grades, homework, and grueling study sessions with the Squip, a chance to genuinely relax. The Squip, of course, found the idea a huge waste of time and kept insisting they implement some kind of study schedule during the week, but Jeremy wasn't having it.

-The point is to have fun. It's a _break_. You aren't going to be like this during summer, too, are you?-

_While you're busy drinking and making a fool of yourself, you'll be losing any information you may have gained so far this semester. It's no good to simply regurgitate what you've memorized onto paper and forget about it._

-Yeah, yeah.-

The Squip either didn't understand, or perhaps care, that sometimes you just had to shut your brain off and relax. It probably wasn't even capable of such a thing, though Jeremy was determined to fix that. Michael, Kevin, and he had a ton of things planned for the week... in Atlantic City. Not exactly the most luxurious place to spend their time, but Jeremy hadn't been since he was a kid and it was the best option they had. It didn't mean he was completely thrilled with it, and he was frowning as he stuffed a couple sweaters into his bag and paused when he reached for his swim trunks.

"You think it'll even be warm enough to try the beach when we get there?" Michael looked up from his phone.

"Uh, maybe. It's supposed to be sunny most of the time." Jeremy sighed.

"Why couldn't we have planned a trip to Florida, again?" He'd never actually been to Florida, but it was always Hot College Spring Break Destination #1, at least in his head, anyway. Warm beaches, palm trees, hot, half-naked people... He could hear the Squip snort is amusement behind him.

_Really, Jeremy? **That** is what you're looking forward to?_

-Shut up, get out of my head.-

_I would if I could._

"We couldn't _afford_ Florida. Besides, I don't think my car would survive the drive."

Jeremy stuffed his swim trunks into his bag.

"I think we're going to be stuck in New Jersey until the day we die."

"We could always pop over to Philadelphia just to say we did." 

"I'm exhilarated just thinking about it." Jeremy's voice dripped with sarcasm and Michael chortled. 

"You done packing yet? The M-Train is leaving in ten." It was Jeremy's turn to laugh.

"Please never say that again."

Michael winked.

"You got it, dude."

* * *

A two-hour drive later and Jeremy had to pee so bad he thought he'd end up wetting himself in the hotel lobby.

_I told you not to drink all that coffee._

The Squip seemed to have returned to its normal, smug, nagging self, and Jeremy didn't know whether he was happy about it or not. It was much better than the unsure and timid way it'd been behaving the first couple of days after it returned, but did it really have to point out the obvious all the time? 

_Yes. Otherwise, you'll never learn._

-Oy vey.-

Michael and Kevin didn't stay in the hotel long. Kevin, apparently, wanted to check out the aquarium as soon as they got there and Michael wanted to make a date of it, so that left Jeremy alone to his own devices. He kicked off his shoes and jumped up onto his bed, flopping down on top of the covers.

-This place is so much bigger than I thought it was going to be.-

_I'm glad **you're** happy with this arrangement._

-Why are you so grumpy today?-

The Squip scoffed.

_I'm not._

-You seriously are.-

_There's an indoor pool downstairs. It's heated. You might as well put that embarrassing swimsuit of yours to some kind of use. I'm predicting it'll be too cold to visit the beach comfortably while we're here._

-If you say so.-

He'd try and investigate the Squip's attitude later. He was feeling far too antsy to just stay in the hotel room and listen to the Squip complain. It wasn't until two days into the trip that Jeremy got his answer.

It was nearing nine'o'clock and Kevin had pulled the short straw, condemned to pick up dinner and bring it back up to the room while Jeremy and Michael played Pokemon lethargically. They hadn't even done anything that strenuous, but something about walking around outside all day in the sun left them absolutely exhausted. The Squip, meanwhile, had decided now was the perfect time to nitpick every little thing he did.

-What is your _deal_?-

Every time Jeremy thought he'd understood the Squip, it proved him wrong. Now he was getting fed up; maybe that was why it'd insisted sticking around would be a bad idea. It had been planning to absolutely annoy him to death. He was ready to kick it out of his bed. The Squip, however, paused and then frowned.

_I'm... uncomfortable._

Jeremy sat up a little, glancing up from his DS.

-So you're taking it out on _me_? What the hell did I do?-

_Alex is here._

-What? Here? _Here_ here? In the _hotel_?-

He hoped Michael hadn't noticed the alarmed noise he'd made.

_He's within proximity. I've noticed his presence since we left campus._

-You're just telling me this _now_?-

Jeremy couldn't concentrate on the game he was playing anymore. He shut the DS quickly and tossed it on the bedside table.

_I didn't want to concern you unnecessarily._

-So you thought being a dick was the better option?-

No wonder the Squip had been so anal about everything recently. Is this how it behaved when it was anxious about something? Jesus.

_I was going to tell you if I was concerned you'd run into him._

-So is he stalking us or something?-

Jeremy had almost forgotten about Alex. Their room was fixed. The Squip was back and (mostly) normal. He hadn't seen or heard from the guy since the incident and he'd even gotten around to deleting his number from his phone. But he was here, two hours away from where he lived, in the exact same place they'd decided to vacation. What the fuck. It couldn't possibly be a coincidence.

_It's possible._

-Oh my God, I need to tell Michael.-

_Don't._

-Why not!?-

_He'll insist you cut your vacation short and leave. It will cause unnecessary tension between the three of you and ruin your spring break. I'll worry about Alex so you don't have to._

-Easy for you to say.-

_Michael is aware that something is troubling you. Say something to distract him._

"Uh, hey, Michael. Did I tell you that the Squip killed Eminem?"

"Excuse me, what?"

The Squip pressed a hand to its mouth, shooting Jeremy a look that amounted to "are you serious right now".

"It told me to buy a shirt with Eminem on it because it knew he was going to get impaled with that hockey stick."

"You're kidding."

"Completely serious."

"It _knew_? Are there any other celebrity deaths it was "aware" of that I should know about?"

_This conversation is ridiculous. I'm not capable of killing anyone._

"I've been sworn to secrecy."

The Squip rolled its eyes as Michael picked up his phone.

"Oh, huh. It claims it's 'aware of favorable outcomes'. Favorable to _who_?"

"I forgot it can text you."

"How did you forget? It was your idea."

"There's been a lot going on."

"I'm going to ask it for lottery numbers."

_This wasn't the kind of distraction I had in mind._

-It worked, didn't it?-

Jeremy leaned back against the pillows and reached over to pick up his DS as Michael furiously typed on his phone. He stared at it, drumming his fingers on the smooth, painted surface instead of opening it back up. What did it mean that Alex was here? Was he observing them, to see if he'd taken the pill or not? What would happen if he confronted him again? Suddenly he wasn't so thrilled about another nine days here. He could hear the Squip sigh next to him.

_This is precisely why I didn't tell you. You worry._

-I don't like it when you keep things from me. Really important things.-

_I apologize. Happy?_

-No.-

Kevin arrived with two giant paper bags of food, and Jeremy abandoned the DS to help unpack it all. He ignored the Squip when it came up behind him, arms loosely tied around his waist, chin on his shoulder. He didn't feel all that talkative, suddenly.

_I'm only trying to do what's best for you, Jeremy._

He dumped some coleslaw down onto his plate.

-I get to decide what's best for me, not you.-

The Squip pulled away, visibly agitated.

_Fine. Good night._

The Squip vanished, leaving Jeremy alone with his thoughts. Guess this is another thing we're going to have to work on. Why had he thought this was going to be easy? Maybe once all of this was over he could write some kind of self-help book.

Jeremy Heere's Guide to Taming the Supercomputer in your Brain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Let's run away to Atlantic City  
>  Let's feel the wind in our hair_


	19. Chapter 19

_Jeremy, you’re worrying again._

-No, I’m not.-

_You’re jumpy. You keep looking over your shoulder. Kevin and Michael have begun to notice and are debating confronting you about it. You need to let it go._

-I _can’t!_ What if Alex does something.-

_I’ll keep you safe._

The Squip rested a hand against the back of his neck and Jeremy looked at the ground. Maybe he shouldn’t have gotten so mad at the Squip before. Maybe he _was_ better off not knowing that Alex was around.

_I’m glad you’re finally coming around to my point of view._

-You were still acting like a dick before.-

_You’re right. I was._

The Squip idly brushed its fingers through his hair.

_I’ll be better about that._

Jeremy leaned back a little, ignoring the tingling sensation running up his scalp.

-Yeah, yeah.-

_Your ice cream is melting._

Jeremy looked over at his hand, clutching an ice cream cone, partially melted down the side, through his fingers, and dripping into his pants. He sighed and licked melted ice cream from his fingers.

_Everyone is going to think you’re a slob._

Its tone was light, almost teasing. Jeremy nudged it in the side with his elbow before dumping the cone in the trash.

-Wouldn’t be the worst thing people thought about me.-

The Squip was looking miffed.

_You didn’t finish it._

Jeremy was wiping at his pants with his clean hand.

-Why do you care? You can’t eat it anyway.-

_I’d like to._

Jeremy stared at it, knuckle in his mouth, trying to clean off the residual chocolate.

-What, really?-

Every time the Squip outright expressed it wanted something or felt something, Jeremy was caught off guard. It was becoming more and more common since he’d taken the red pill but it still didn’t register to him as normal, Squip-y behavior.

_Take your hands out of your mouth. People are staring._

-You want to eat?-

Jeremy scrubbed lightly at his skin with what remained of his already soiled napkins, examining the Squip as it considered its answer.

_I can’t smell or taste anything, but I, let’s say, experience the pleasure you feel when you eat something appealing to you. I can tell you everything that’s in it, the nutritional content, the number of calories but… I have no way to gauge how something tastes besides the data I collect. Of all the things I know, _taste_ eludes me._

-Huh. Well. I could always fish the ice cream out of the trash if that’ll make you feel better.-

The Squip wrinkled its nose in a way that caused Jeremy to laugh out loud. Who knew teasing the Squip could be so fun?

_Please don’t. You’re already enough of a mess._

Jeremy grinned quietly to himself as Michael walked over from around a corner. He plopped himself comfortably next to him, taking up the space the Squip had originally inhabited.

“Where’s Kevin?”

“He went back to the aquarium.”

“ _Again_? That’s like the third time!” Michael shrugged.

“Marine biology majors, man. They’re weird. He’s not even the weirdest I’ve met.”

“Since you didn’t go with him I’m assuming you’re sick of fish.”

“I was starting to get jealous of the way he was mooning over the eels, so I had to stay away for the safety of the rest of the fish kingdom.”

“Eels? Really?”

“Yeah. Really.” Michael licked his thumb and wiped it over a spot on his cheek. “You have some schmutz on your face, by the way.” He laughed when Jeremy made a face and smacked his hand away.

“Dude. Ew.”

“I have two moms. I learned from the best.” He grinned and leaned back, draping an arm around Jeremy’s shoulders. The Squip had reappeared on the other side of him, sitting a little closer than necessary given how much room was left on the bench, and it almost looked _jealous_ as it watched Michael. Maybe he imagined it. “ _Besides_ , something’s up with you and I thought I’d ask you about it in private, in case it was, you know…”

Michael tapped his head and Jeremy sighed.

-What should I tell him?-

_Tell him I’m malfunctioning._

“The Squip’s… malfunctioning?”

“Malfunctioning how?” Michael looked way more concerned than Jeremy would have liked. He rubbed at his forehead.

“It’s just… acting a little weird since I ate the pill. It wants me to eat ice cream out of the trash so it can taste it.”

“What.”

“Like I said… Weird……” He was squeezing his hands between his knees, giving Michael a sheepish smile.

“…Okay. So, if it starts telling you to try drinking bleach or something let me know. Is that it?”

“Yeah, sorry, I’m just weirded out by the whole thing.”

“You and me both.”

-I hate lying to him.-

_You aren’t lying completely. I **am** malfunctioning._

-Really?-

_Whatever was in the pill you took altered my systems. Think of it as a car with the check engine light on. The problem is I can’t figure out what’s wrong, but the sensation is causing me to act oddly, as you’ve already noticed._

-That makes sense, I guess.-

_So if I act out of turn, please understand. I’m having to constantly restart my processors once they become aware of the foreign code you introduced. I can’t stop what it’s doing, I’ve tried, but I have alarms going off on the regular. It’s quite exhausting._

-Shit. I’m sorry. So it’s like a virus?-

_You could call it that._

Jeremy frowned, but the Squip just shrugged, not looking too bothered.

_It’s become my new normal._

“Kevin and I wanted to check out some of the clubs around here tonight. You up for that?”

“Yeah, sure.”

Going to clubs wasn’t exactly Jeremy’s cup of tea, far from it, but he wasn’t looking forward to the idea of being alone in the hotel room all night, Squip or no Squip. He could handle a couple hours of deafening music and drunk people.

_Good choice, Jeremy. You’ve barely enjoyed your vacation so far._

-Whose fault is that?-

The Squip said nothing.

* * *

The streets were lit up like a Christmas tree, so bright it was almost obnoxious. They could hear the music pouring out of the building as they approached and there was already a line to get in. They stood in it for what felt like ages, freezing to their bones, as the bouncer at the door checked IDs. The bouncer only needed to take a quick glance at his to whip out a marker and brand a giant black X on the back of his hand, and then they were ushered inside like cattle.

_If you’re looking to drink tonight, Jeremy, I can teach you how to easily remove the marker._

-No thanks.-

They’d walked here, but _someone_ had to stay sober tonight. Kevin was twenty-one and had Michael covered, not that Michael was a big drinker himself. He might as well volunteer as tribute.

They shuffled their way through the crowd to the dance floor, Kevin and Michael hand-in-hand, Jeremy trying to keep up behind them. The place was packed, and the music was crazy loud, but no one was actually _dancing_. Not really. Jeremy stood to the side awkwardly as someone elbowed past him, momentarily losing sight of his friends. The Squip seemed to notice his discomfort pretty quickly.

_We can always leave. You can peruse the adult channels the hotel has to offer instead._

Jeremy felt hot, and not because of the heat radiating from the bodies all around him.

-I can handle a few hours.-

Kevin grabbed his arm from behind and tugged him through a group of drunk girls, to the small place against a wall that he and Michael had occupied.

“Thanks!” He hated how he had to shout just to be heard. Kevin gave him a thumbs up and pointed to Michael. He didn’t even _need_ alcohol to enjoy himself. Despite the lack of actual dancing going on in the club, Michael himself was more than making up for it. Jeremy kind of envied him for it, the way he could just let go and simply not care who was looking or what they thought. Jeremy had come a long way since high school, but he still struggled around other people.

_Dance with them._

The Squip was urging him forward, away from where he’d planted himself awkwardly against the wall.

-But…-

_You won’t have fun if you don’t try. Do you need me to help you?_

-I mean…-

The Squip didn’t hesitate. It pushed him forward a little more, closer to the crowd, until it took over for him completely. His hips moved, his feet kicked, he shimmied to and fro with the crowd, which was finally, finally starting to pick up, probably because they were all appropriately inebriated. It was weird, letting the Squip move him like this, but he felt a little less self-conscious because of it. He shouldn’t rely on the Squip for these things, but it just made it so _easy_.

_Your turn._

The Squip abruptly relinquished control and Jeremy almost fell, but he quickly corrected himself and kept moving, the same way the Squip had been earlier. He was actually starting to enjoy himself now, laughing with Michael and Kevin, only mildly annoyed when a stranger stepped on his foot or elbowed him in the ribs. He even contemplated, briefly, staying the whole night rather than escaping by midnight, until he separated himself from the group to use the bathroom.

He’d only been back into the fray two whole seconds when a girl, taller than him, confronted him. She had to repeat herself three times over the noise before he could actually make out what she was saying.

“You’re cute!” In a sudden burst of confidence, Jeremy decided to respond.

“Thanks. I heard you the first time, but I just wanted to hear you say it again.” The girl blinked at him, tilting her head, eyes slightly narrowed, clearly not able to hear what he’d said over the music. Jeremy felt like he was dying inside a little. What a douchey thing to say, jeez, what was wrong with him? He wanted to crawl into a ditch and stay there.

_Forget it. She wants to dance with you._

The girl wasn’t giving him much choice, anyway, since she was tugging him by the wrist into the swarm of moving bodies. He was starting to have flashbacks to Jake’s party, and not just the most recent one. He didn’t have time to contemplate on it long, because she was _grinding on him_ , a little clumsily, clearly drunk.

_Don’t just stand there._

-You aren’t helping!-

_Follow her lead. You’ll be fine. Michael and Kevin are nearby if you need an escape._

He could do this. He was nineteen god damn years old and he could grind against a drunk girl in a club and not make a fool of himself. He pressed a hand against her side and pressed in, trying to match her movements and smiling to hide how out of his league he felt. Jeremy tried not to think too hard, matching pace with the booming music until it felt easier, felt right, felt _good_ , even if he was feeling claustrophobic and uncomfortably sweaty. 

Which was about the time the Squip interjected.

_We’re leaving._

-Why?-

A little frazzled he peeled himself away and allowed the crowd to swallow him up, barely getting a wave to the girl he’d just been dancing with until he couldn’t see her anymore. 

-Is it Alex? Is Alex here?-

Before he could even start to freak out, the Squip responded, quickly.

_Something is wrong with me. It’s best we leave now. I’ll inform Michael for you._

-What’s wrong? Are you okay?-

Jeremy pushed through a few more people, narrowly avoided getting hit in the face, and finally, finally, made it outside into the cool, nighttime air. He felt chilled immediately as the air cooled the sweat on his skin, and he’d wished he’d brought a jacket along with him. That was the least of his problems, though. The Squip had gone silent, unresponsive, which only fueled his sudden sense of urgency. The hotel wasn’t too far of a walk from here, and he walked quickly.

It was back by the time he was safely inside the room.

_I’m fine._

-You’re _fine?_ What was that? What happened?-

_The moment passed. There’s nothing to worry about._

-You wouldn’t talk to me! I thought you shut down.-

_That was on purpose._

-What the fuck.-

_I was processing something. I couldn’t talk to you at the same time._

-Could you stop being so cryptic for five seconds? I’m worried about you.-

The Squip crossed its arms, annoyance clear on its face. It took a moment to respond.

_I didn’t like what she was doing to you. I needed to get you as far away from her as possible._

Jeremy stared, not able to fully parse what the Squip had just said. 

-We were dancing.-

_I would hardly call that dancing._

-You pushed me into it.-

_My mistake._

Jeremy looked at the floor, looked up at the Squip, down at the floor again, slapping a hand to his forehead as he looked back up once more.

-Holy shit. Were you jealous? Was that _jealousy._ -

The Squip looked back at him silently, unimpressed. He knew it wanted to be dismissive, to deny it, say some stupid shit about how it was a computer and couldn’t feel emotions like that, but based on the last few months, they both knew that was a lie. So it said nothing and stared him down instead, tapping its foot impatiently. 

-Oh my God. _Oh_ my _God_. Holy shit. You _were._ -

Jeremy wanted to be mad because, despite all of his hangups and reservations about the night, he did end up enjoying himself. But honestly? This was hilarious. The sullen, serious way it was looking at him wasn’t helping matters. He started laughing. He laughed so long he had a stitch in his side and his eyes were watering. The Squip was jealous of some random drunk girl dancing with him at the club and it was its own fault. He couldn’t believe it was jealous at _all_. And to think he’d thought the worst.

_Are you done?_

Jeremy cleared his throat and looked back up at the Squip, wiping his face. It hadn’t looked very happy before, but now it looked worse. It looked tense and incredibly uncomfortable, and he felt a little bad about laughing now. It clearly wasn’t used to getting laughed at, and it likely hadn’t experienced what it’d felt before. Probably. He sighed a little wearily.

-Yeah. I’m done.-

The Squip seemed to relax a little, dropping its arms. 

_I didn’t mean to alarm you._

-It’s fine. She, uh. She wasn’t really my type, anyway?-

_I know._

-Thanks for helping me out there, though. I probably would’ve stayed glued to the wall if you hadn’t pushed me.-

_Of course._

Oh. This was starting to feel extremely awkward. Crap.

-Guess I’ll just go to bed then.-

_Jeremy._

He’d just turned to kick off his shoes and grab a change of clothes, but now the Squip was approaching him. Jeremy looked over his shoulder at it, noting how it seemed to have finally shaken off whatever it was feeling before. It stopped a short distance away and held out a hand, smile a little too mischevious for how it’d been acting a moment ago. Cautiously he took the Squip’s hand, confused, curious.

_Your dancing tonight was fine, but have you ever tried ballroom dancing? It’s much more elegant and less chaotic. You might like it._

-I, uh. I danced the horah at my Bar Mitzvah. Does that count?-

_No. It doesn't._

-Oh. Okay. So…-

The Squip took a quick look around the room.

_The space is a bit small, and I’d have to modify the steps, but I believe it could work. Just as a demonstration._

Before Jeremy could really protest it was pulling him close, almost chest-to-chest, its free hand pressed against the small of his back. The sudden closeness had him flushing.

-But. What.-

_I think the Vienna Waltz would be the most fun._

It was _winking at him_ at all Jeremy could do was look back dumbly. Its sudden mood change was giving him whiplash and he was painfully aware of the Squip’s leg pressed close between the two of his.

-I… I don’t know how to…-

_**You** may not know any of the steps, Jeremy, but luckily, I do. Put your hand on my shoulder._

He did, no questions asked.

-Like this _woah._ -

It’d been quick, the smallest little dip, and suddenly the Squip was spinning them around the room, faster than his untrained feet could ever possibly keep up, but it didn’t matter. The Squip was leading, fully in control, waltzing them around the room like it’d been doing it its whole life. Every time he was afraid he was about to bash his knee into something, the Squip quickly corrected it, faster than he could blink. Jeremy had always assumed this kind of dance was slow and boring, designed for old stuffy rich people, but the Squip was absolutely proving him wrong. 

And like that it was over, lasting only a minute, maybe two, and the Squip was dipping him much more dramatically than when they’d began.

_Typically, the Vienna Waltz only has a slight dip, but I thought you’d appreciate the change. And, of course, there are several variations._

The Squip was smiling at him as it lifted Jeremy back up to stand. The smile was smug and self-assured, but big, genuine. It made the corners of its eyes crinkle. Jeremy had never seen it smile like that before.

_No compliments on my impromptu dance demonstration? Nothing? I’m disappointed._

Jeremy didn’t really think about it. He didn’t really care what it probably looked like, some weirdo kissing thin air, but the Squip was real enough to him. It was still holding his hand. Its other hand was brushing carefully up and down his spine. And Jeremy leaned in to kiss it, not expecting to feel much of anything there, and pleasantly surprised, shocked even, to feel resistance there. The outline of an actual mouth against his. It surprised him enough that he pulled back almost immediately, face red. 

-That, th-that was really great!-

Jeremy cringed to himself as the Squip pulled away, trying to work up some kind of excuse, but the Squip cupped his chin, lifting his head to force him to look at it. It brushed its thumb along his lower lip, eyes dark.

_We’ll talk about this later._

It pulled its hand away just as the door behind them swung open, causing Jeremy to nearly jump out of his skin. Michael and Kevin climbed inside, Michael dancing along to whatever was on his headphones, and Kevin holding up a bottle of tequila triumphantly. 

“Michael said you weren’t feeling well so we brought the party to you!”

“Oh. Thanks, guys.”

Jeremy clutched the bottle of tequila to his chest when Kevin thrust it at him. 

“You get first shot.”

The Squip was gone and Jeremy had never been happier for alcohol in his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A totally, 100% accurate visual representation of what's going on inside the Squip:


	20. Chapter 20

Jeremy had the worst hangover of his life.

None of them bothered to get up until early in the afternoon, recovering from splitting an entire bottle of tequila between the three of them. His stomach was sour, his head was pounding, and he wanted to curl up and die. But… at least he wasn’t puking.

Note to self: Never drink tequila again.

It took an hour before any of them were actually ready to drag themselves out of bed, which was when they began their quest for the closest greasy spoon they could find. The idea of eating anything made him sick, and the fried food smell didn’t help, but he had to get something in his stomach. Jeremy settled on an absurdly large plate of hash browns and an omelet, both doused in enough ketchup to make his half of the table look like a murder scene. The Squip remained mercifully silent throughout the ordeal, only speaking to prompt Jeremy to drink more water periodically. 

Then he crawled back to the hotel and took a nap.

With only a few days left before they had to trudge back to campus, Jeremy was mildly irritated by how much of a wash the day was. He didn’t have the energy to do much of anything except lay there, despite the strong coffee he’d been drinking. Oh well. There was always tomorrow. He just had to lay there in humiliation whenever he remembered last night, kissing the Squip, the idea of Michael and Kevin walking in on him in the middle of it going round and round in his head.

They hadn’t seen anything, of course, but what better way to top off the day than torture himself with horrible what-if scenarios?

The Squip was silent. It wasn’t even touching him. It was present, sitting beside him as he stared miserably at his DS with the brightness turned all the way down, but wasn’t doing much of anything else. Jeremy wouldn’t even know it was there if it weren’t for the fact he could actually see it, resting comfortably on its back with its eyes closed and hands folded on its stomach. It looked so relaxed, almost like it was sleeping, so Jeremy didn’t bother trying to say anything to it. 

He felt much better the next morning.

It was unusually warm for March that morning, which wasn’t saying much since it was still colder than, say, Florida, but it was warm enough to be acceptable beach weather. Michael and Kevin were already gone by the time he woke up, still mildly headachy and starving, but significantly better than yesterday. It was a blessing and a half.

_Michael and Kevin left early without you._

-Guess I’ll do my own thing, then.-

It occurred to him that he hadn’t actually packed any beach stuff besides his swim trunks, which kind of sucked. He could rent a towel and umbrella somewhere, maybe. 

_You need sunscreen._

-Eh…-

_Skin cancer isn’t a joke, Jeremy. Based on how pale you are, you’ll start severely burning within 10 minutes._

-Okay, okay, jeez.-

So he bought some sunscreen. And a towel. He splurged and got a few other things as well from the hotel gift shop, like a dorky, overpriced Atlantic City keychain, just because it looked cool. He and Michael had decided a long time ago that they couldn’t travel anywhere without bringing back a tacky souvenir and he wasn’t about to break that tradition now.

The beach was already crowded. Everyone seemed to have the same idea now that the weather was a little warmer and it took him a while to find a decent spot to set up. Towel? Check. Chair? Check. Umbrella? Check. Sandwich? Check. He sat down, got comfortable, and prepared himself for a day of beach fun.

Ten minutes later he was bored out of his skull.

He dug his toes into the sand, kicking it into a small mound of cover his other foot and watched some people run into the ocean and then quickly run back out when they realized the water was still freezing. Maybe he should try to find the others? They were probably having loads more fun than he was right now.

_You could try actually going into the water._

-But it’s _cold_.-

The Squip rolled its eyes as he whined.

_Fine. Then sit there._

Jeremy frowned, wiggling his sandy toes.

-We… We could, you know. Talk. About the other night.-

The Squip eyed him.

_You want to do that now? In public?_

-I mean, I guess…-

_Fine._

Jeremy sat up straighter, giving the Squip his full attention, a little nervous, a little excited.

_We can’t do that again._

-Oh.-

His stomach dropped. He didn’t know why he’d expected it to say anything else.

_I’ve already told you that I can’t give you what you want._

-What do I want?-

He felt… He didn’t know how he was feeling. Just last night we wanted to pretend that the kiss never happened, but it hurt to hear the Squip actually deny him the opportunity to let it happen again. How fucked up was he, honestly?

The Squip leaned over, pressing a finger to his forehead. 

_You want me to date you. That would never work._

Its tone was light, not harsh or judgmental, just simply matter-of-fact. Jeremy figured it was for his own benefit, to soften the blow of rejection. 

-But… But I…-

_I don’t have a body. I can’t eat. We can’t do anything humans traditionally do with partners. You’d never be able to tell your father about me. Michael would disapprove. In the end, you’d be left dissatisfied and lonely._

-It sounds like you’re making excuses.-

He was watching the ocean fixedly, trying not to look as pathetic as he felt. The Squip sighed and brushed its fingers through his hair; he moved his head away.

_Jeremy._

Great. Now it sounded like it was about to _scold_ him.

_I don’t want to get your hopes up._

-You know what, how about you let me decide what I want. Okay? I know how ridiculous it is. I don’t care. If I get fucked over in the process then I guess I’ll just have to learn a lesson about not dating voices in my head.-

The Squip considered this, quiet. Jeremy risked looking over at it, away from the safe haven of the ocean, and then looked away quickly. His stupid hands were shaking, so he sat on them.

_Are you sure?_

-Yeah. Yep. Made up my mind.-

_Fine._

Jeremy started, surprised. He almost didn’t believe it.

-Really?-

_Stop making that face._

-What face?-

He was making a face? Jeremy ripped off his sunglasses and dropped them in his lap, twisting the frame in his fingers. The Squip was standing in front of him now, leaning down to press its hands against his shoulders.

_I’ve warned you._

-Yeah. I know. You’ve “warned” me a million times.-

_Then, if you’ve made up your mind, I suppose I have no choice._

-You… Of course you have a choice. I just…-

_You want me to want this too._

-Right.-

The Squip brushed its fingers behind his ear.

_It doesn’t matter what I want, Jeremy._

-That’s dumb.-

The Squip paused, then laughed.

_Is it really?_

-Your feelings matter, too.-

It seemed perplexed for a moment as if it had never considered this.

_My feelings._

-Yeah. What do _you_ want? I don’t care if it’s “good for me” or not.-

_Mmm._

It looked away, distant, then flicked its eyes back to his. Its eyes seemed brighter suddenly.

_It would make you happy if I allowed you to “date” me?_

Jeremy chewed the inside of his cheek, suddenly embarrassed, the Squip’s eyes drilling into his. It reminded him of the moment in the library when they’d first made their deal. How intense it had been. Were they making a _new_ deal?

-Yes.-

The Squip pulled back slightly, just enough to cup his face.

_That’s what I want._

That answer was good enough for him. 

-Y-y-you… Oh. Okay. Cool.-

The Squip moved to sit in his lap, looking smug. 

_It’s a good opportunity to teach you some things for the future, I suppose._

-What “things”?-

_This, for instance._

It leaned in, kissing him, and Jeremy’s face was on fire. Jeremy wanted to rest his hands on the Squip’s waist but it stopped him.

_Don’t move. People will notice._

Oh. Right. They were in _public_. Surrounded by strangers. He didn’t want to upset anyone by making out with the air in front of him. So he just let the Squip do what it wanted, let its hands move where it wanted, kissing him until he wanted to explode. It kind of sucked that he wasn’t allowed to move, though.

When the Squip finally pulled away he was grinning, unable to stop himself. Holy shit. This was happening. _Holy shit._ It was just hitting him what he’d agreed to. The Squip lightly tapped the tip of his nose. 

_I like that face much better._

* * *

Jeremy couldn’t believe they’d been here a week and they hadn’t visited the Steel Pier yet. 

The beach lost its appeal as soon as the winds picked up, quickly dropping the overall temperature and sending most of the beachgoers home. He texted with Michael, once he felt grounded enough to actually go that. Jeremy felt like he was floating, giddy and almost overwhelmed. He felt like running around the boardwalk to burn off all the nervous energy inside of him, but the Squip insisted they go at a more leisurely pace as Jeremy carried all the things he’d bought back to the hotel, its arm around his waist and hand resting on his hip.

_We can consider tonight out first official “date” if you’d like._

They’d spend the night eating hot dogs and funnel cake and then getting sick on rides. Awesome. He was completely down with that.

And… Michael didn’t need to know right away.

Late afternoon he was there at the pier with Michael and Kevin, buying way more tickets than they’d probably end up using, but fuck it. Spring break was almost over.

_If we go by the schedule I’ve created, you should be able to ride everything at least once._

-Schedule? We’re here to have _fun._ -

_I just want things to be more efficient for you._

-You’re so weird.-

The Squip clicked its tongue and rolled its eyes.

_I’d say you’re the weird one, Jeremy._

Five spinning rides and a basket of nachos later, Kevin absolutely _insisted_ they had to go on the giant ass Ferris wheel. It was impressively tall and definitely one of the major attractions of the place, but it cost extra, and Jeremy didn’t exactly think $10 a person was worth it. He almost passed, to let Michael and Kevin have a moment, but the Squip insisted. 

It was a pretty cool Ferris wheel, he’d give it that. The compartments were enclosed, helping insulate them from the nighttime chill. And boy, it looked tall from the outside, but he didn’t fully realize just how high up it really took them. He could see _everything_ , the pier, the boardwalk, the city, the ocean. 

_I’m failing to see the appeal, here._

The Squip had its arms crossed, leaning halfway across the seat to prop itself up against his shoulder. 

-You’re bored? This was your idea.-

_Taking your date on a Ferris wheel is a popular activity._

It shrugged slightly.

Jeremy glanced over at Michael and Kevin, who were kissing, and he supposed it was right. This was getting kind of awkward, though. Michael was his best friend and all but it felt really weird watching him make out with his boyfriend. Jeremy glued his face to the window, nose almost pressed against him, contemplating interrupting them somehow. Starting a conversation. He heard the Squip chuckle beside him.

_Perhaps we should have asked for our own gondola._

-You think?-

This was why he hadn’t wanted to go with them. He could be winning a shitty stuffed animal from a rigged game or something right now.

_Is that what you want to do after this? I could help you win easily._

-Where’s the fun in that?-

They were starting their descent now, finally, after what felt like an eternity. He just had to endure another 7 minutes of this. 

_Do you need me to distract you, Jeremy?_

-Distract me how?-  
The Squip sat up and wrapped its arms around him. 

_I have approximately 5 minutes to do whatever I want to you._

Jeremy made a startled noise, jerking his face away from the window, blushing. 

-What does _that_ mean.-

“You okay, Jeremy?” Michael was looking at him, finally separated from Kevin. The Squip looked way too amused for his comfort.

_Make that 3._

“I’m fine. Sorry. Ignore me.” He glued his face back to the window, thoroughly embarrassed. 

-Not in front of them!-

_They won’t notice anything if you don’t make a spectacle of yourself._

Jeremy couldn’t bring himself to say no. After the beach, he didn’t think he could _ever_ say no. The Squip nuzzled itself into his shoulder and Jeremy completely froze, its hands lightly brushing down the top of his thighs, and it was kissing up the side of his neck. It _tickled._ And worse, he liked it, but he just had to sit there and try not to make anymore weird, awkward noises.

-This isn’t fair.-

_Who said anything about fair?_

-You’re a dick.-

_I’m not doing anything you don’t want, Jeremy._

Well, it wasn’t wrong. Jeremy closed his eyes and tried to suppress a shiver when he felt the Squip’s teeth just barely graze up the side of his neck. He couldn’t get over how _real_ it felt. It couldn’t just be his imagination. He was trying to control his breathing, to just relax and enjoy the sensation, but he felt too wound up.

_Time to go, Jeremy._

The Squip pulled away abruptly. Oh, when had they stopped moving? He stood up quickly, shoulders hunched, and rushed out of the gondola before Michael and Kevin actually got up to leave.

“Where are you going?” Michael was shouting after him.

“Need to pee!” He didn’t. He just needed a minute to chill out. What better place to do that than a bathroom stall? It had been a popular spot in high school. 

_I think this date is going well._

Jeremy didn’t bother to respond, needing a minute just to breathe through the jitters. 

_The night’s still young, Jeremy. You still have thirty tickets. You aren’t going to spend the rest of the night in here, are you?_

-I’m going to return the favor one of these days.-

What would the Squip look like, if he…

_I’d like to see you try._

He washed his hands quickly and shuffled back outside, rejoining Michael and Kevin.

-Challenge accepted.-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Sharing a grand and romantic city_   
>  _Sea and salty air_   
>  _So let's run away to Atlantic City_   
>  _No one will find us there_


	21. Chapter 21

_I hope you’re not planning on eating **all** of that saltwater taffy at once._

They were leaving later that afternoon and begin their two-hour trek back to campus, so Jeremy had decided to do some last minute shopping before they left. It was, honestly, mostly an excuse to spend the last of his spending money on as much candy as he could carry. It might have been a little childish, but he couldn’t say no to fancy salt water taffy or fudge. He had two bags crammed full of it and happy with his bounty he was walking up and down the boardwalk, stuffing sugar into his mouth until it was time to check out of the hotel. 

-What if I do?-

_Not only is that bad for your health, but you’ll also puke in Michael’s car. I can guarantee that._

Jeremy shrugged a little, popping another taffy into his mouth and crinkling the waxy wrapper between his fingers until he found a trashcan.

-You only live once, right?-

_You’re appalling._

-So are you.-

Growing a little tired of walking, but not wanting to head back quite yet—he’d drag out this vacation as long as possible, damnit—he walked to the edge of the boardwalk, setting his bags down and leaning against the wooden railing. The breeze was chilly, but it still felt warm in the sun. He considered walking down the beach briefly, barefoot in the sand, maybe dipping his feet in the water if he felt brave enough. The Squip was standing next to him, staring out at the water with a contemplative expression.

-What’re you thinking about?-

The Squip slowly turned its head toward him.

_It feels… nostalgic._

-You’ve been here before?-

_No. The ocean._

The Squip turned back toward the beach, stroking its chin.

_I don’t understand why._

-Weird.-

Jeremy drummed his fingers against the railing, admiring the way the waves slowly crashed against the white sand. It was so soothing. Inviting. 

-We can always come back. It’s not like the ocean is going anywhere.-

_I would like that._

The Squip smiled just a little, and Jeremy grinned in response. The Squip didn’t smile often, at least, not the soft, genuine way it was smiling now. It was still a little bizarre, but he could definitely get used to this.

_Jeremy._

-Yeah?-

_Get your things. Start walking._

The Squip didn’t look particularly alarmed, but its tone was suddenly urgent. Jeremy did as he was told, apprehensive, and made his way back down the boardwalk. The Squip walked alongside him, face neutral.

_Don’t look behind you. Look straight ahead. Follow my instructions._

Jeremy almost looked behind him, anyway, in surprise, but stopped when the Squip gave him a quick, warning jolt.

-What’s happening?-

_Alex is approaching from behind. Start weaving through the crowd. We’ll lose him and take a shortcut to the hotel._

Inwardly, Jeremy started to panic. What the fuck did Alex _want_ , anyway? He was a little afraid to find out. Heart rate elevated, breath quickening, Jeremy did as he was instructed, walking straight into a crowd, zipping down a random side street, entering a few shops and slinking out the back, until they’d completely turned around and the Squip was trying to convince him to hop a fence.

_He isn’t nearby anymore, but this way will get us back to the hotel faster._

-How do I-

_I’ll assist you. Hold your bags between your teeth._

With the Squip’s help, Jeremy was able to climb over the chain link fence with ease. The hotel was only a quick ten-minute walk away, five at the quick pace he was going. By the time he’d gotten inside the lobby and smashed the elevator button he was out of breath and buzzing with anxiety.

_You can relax, Jeremy._

-Relax? I thought we were gonna die.-

The Squip rolled its eyes.

_Don’t be over dramatic._

Jeremy swiped his keycard and stepped inside the room, shutting the door and flipping the latch as an extra precaution.

-You’re the one telling me to avoid him. I think I have every reason to be freaked out by-

A hand reached out abruptly and grabbed him by the wrist from around the corner before he could finish his thought.

“Boo.” Jeremy practically shrieked, pulling his arm away and stumbling backward into the room, wide-eyed, panicked. “Woah. I didn’t mean to scare you that badly.”

Alex stood there, leaning nonchalantly against the wall, an amused smile on his face.

“Y-you, how, wh-what do you, Alex. Guh-“ Jeremy felt like all the air in his lungs completely vanished, alarms going off in his head as the Squip maneuvered close behind him, hands gripping his shoulders.

_Remain calm._

-How the fuck did he get in here? I thought we lost him!-

_I underestimated him. He’s hiding his signature, somehow. He must have planned this._

-Fuck.-

“You know, I wasn’t sure if you were actually going to take the pill I gave you or not. It was an enlightening experience, right?” Alex moved away from the wall and stepped a little closer, but Jeremy was rooted to the spot where he stood, praying for a quick escape.

_Ask him what he wants._

“What—What do you _want_?”

“I’m just making sure everything is going smoothly.” Alex looked up at him, briefly, and suddenly Jeremy could feel a familiar sensation shoot through his eye, making him gasp and reel back, hand over his face. He heard the Squip make a noise behind him and let go of his shoulders, and in his peripheral vision he could see the Squip fall back, shudder, form briefly blinking in and out of existence and then stabilize. For a moment the Squip stood still, tense and hunched, then slowly straightened. The Squip hadn’t looked pleased before, but now it looked pissed.

“Good. It’s improving.”

“What is _that_ supposed to mean?”

“I know you have a lot of questions. There’s a lot I can’t tell you because it would skew the results.”

“Results? This is—Am I some kind of experiment to you?” Infuriatingly, Alex shrugged his shoulders dismissively.

“If you continue to bond with it, you won’t have anything to worry about.”

“That doesn’t make me feel better at all.”

Alex shrugged again and then smiled mischievously.

“Have you named it yet?”

“Excuse me?”

“Your Squip. You haven’t given it an actual name.” Alex scratched the side of his head. “Never mind, that’ll come later. I’m curious, though.”

Jeremy was about to ask _what_ , what the hell else was Alex curious about, why wouldn’t he just leave them alone, when he stepped in alarmingly close. He still couldn’t bring himself to move, too startled by the movement to have much reaction, and Alex touched his cheek, brushed their lips together, bumping their noses. The Squip reacted far faster than his brain could actually process what was happening, grabbing Jeremy under his arms and roughly pulling him away. The Squip made a noise that almost sounded like a _snarl._

He stumbled back, almost fell from the force of the Squip, and as he righted himself the Squip stepped in front of him.

“Wow!” Alex was grinning. He looked _thrilled._ “That answers that question.”

“Wh-wha- _what._ What the hell!” He felt gross.

“I wasn’t sure what kind of relationship you formed with your Squip. I had a suspicion, but,” he shrugged, “had to be sure, y’know? I’m a little jealous. I did like you.” Jeremy’s head was spinning. Alex rubbed his hands together. “I wonder what she’ll think of this, wow.”

“She?” There was a _she_ now? If the drunk girl at the club turned out to be a part of this… Alex blinked, looking briefly startled.

“Oh. Shit. That was one of the things you weren’t supposed to know. Do me a favor and forget that part.”

“You can’t seriously expect that of me.” Whatever. He didn’t care who this new mystery woman was. He wanted Alex to leave. Now. _Leave leave leave please just leave oh my god._ Alex smiled at him, a little sadly, as if he could hear his thoughts.

“This is the last you’ll see of me for a while. I promise. If I interfere too much it might affect the results.” _Results._ He was starting to hate that word. 

“Good.” It felt a little mean, but he was less scared and more annoyed, now. Frustrated. Not that it changed how fast his heart was beating or how cold and shaky his hands were. The Squip, still standing in front of him, reached out a hand behind it to gently touch Jeremy’s arm. It was a little comforting, but the Squip wasn’t looking at him. It was staring straight at Alex.

That’s when he realized the two of them were making eye contact.

“Wait. You, um… You can _see_ it?”

“Yes.” Alex flicked his gaze to Jeremy, quickly. “The whole time, yes.”

Jeremy balked.

“You have no idea how much I had to hold back during our date. I almost lost it when it sat on you, it was hilarious.” Jeremy pressed his hands to his face, aghast.

“I’m so glad this is so damn _funny_ to you.”

Alex looked as if he was about to respond, but he turned his head toward the door as it beeped, began to open, then abruptly stopped as it was caught in the latch.

“Jeremy? You there? Why’s the door locked?”

Oh _fuck._ It was Michael.

“Guess that’s my cue.” Alex reached into the messenger bag he wore and pulled out something slim, sleek, and shiny. He ignored the Squip entirely, sticking it through the Squip’s body to place it in Jeremy’s arms. He fumbled, almost dropped it, and then held it up. It was a laptop. It had a glittery bow on it. “That’s for you.”

“Jeremy, what the heck, is someone there with you?”

“One—one minute, Michael!” He was staring at the laptop in his hands. Alex turned around and walked to the door, flipped open the latch, and pulled the door open.

“Nice to see you again, Michael.” He pulled out another laptop and handed it to Michael as he passed him. “Later.”

Alex disappeared down the hall, leaving Michael to just stand there in the doorway, alarmed and confused, looking up from the laptop, to Jeremy, to the hallway, and back. 

Kevin broke the silence.

“Who the fuck was that?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's my birthday! <:


	22. Chapter 22

The drive back was uneventful but felt agonizingly long. 

Jeremy was still holding the laptop in his hands, carefully, like it was something precious but also dangerous as if it could splinter into shards of glass at any moment if he moved too suddenly or put it down. Kevin was chattering in the passenger seat, completely unaware of what was really going on. Jeremy kind of envied him for it; he didn’t need to be involved in the growing weirdness that was his and Michael’s everyday life.

“So that was the guy from the party? He broke your laptops? Michael, you should have told me. I have an old one stashed away somewhere…” Michael was shooting Jeremy fervent glances from the rearview mirror and he pretended not to notice, turning to look out the window. He didn’t want to talk to Michael about this. The guilt from lying to him before was already threatening to eat him alive. Kevin kept _talking_ , and Jeremy only responded with a series of short yes’s and no’s, allowing Michael to fill in the blanks with whatever he thought was a reasonable enough lie. 

_I’ve already informed Michael on the situation with Alex._

-Oh. Thanks.-

His arms were getting tired, but he still couldn’t bring himself to move the laptop.

_There isn’t anything special about it, Jeremy. You can’t sit like that for two hours._

He sank back into his seat, allowing the Squip to guide his hands to set the laptop aside.

Back in their dorm room, the Squip’s hand had not left his shoulder since Alex had left their hotel room, Jeremy wasn’t sure what to do next. 

“Hey, Michael, I…”

“There’s nothing to talk about.” Michael set his new laptop on his desk and threw the bow in the trash. “I get it.”

The tone of Michael’s voice only made him feel more guilty.

“I’m sorry.”

“I know.”

“The laptops look… expensive.” He’d abandoned his own on the bed with the rest of his luggage.

“Yeah.” Michael sat at his desk, flipping the laptop open. He jumped slightly when a little note fell out of it from under the lid.

“What’s that?” Jeremy inched a little closer. Michael unfolded the note and gave it a quick once over.

“It says, ‘don’t look up Squip things on this or I’ll have to destroy it too……. Frowny face.’” Jeremy closed his eyes and rubbed at his face with the heel of his palms.

“God, he’s so fuckin’ weird.”

“Word.”

* * *

_Study groups are important, Jeremy. Not only is it a social activity, having others to support you will make retaining information easier._

The last thing he wanted to do was study with a bunch of strangers, but he didn’t have the energy to argue. It was only a week since spring break ended and he was already sorely missing the time off. He had two essays to write, a quiz to study for, a group project to finish that was quickly falling apart… And now the Squip wanted him to take time out of his evening to get together with a handful of people from his classes and _socialize_. 

_After the hour is over, there will be plenty of time left in the evening to bond with your peers over alcohol and food. That part, at least, should be appealing to you._

-Yeah. I guess.-

He was feeling worn down. Headachy. It’d been hard to concentrate most of the day and the Squip was starting to get to him. Jeremy made his way down the sidewalk on autopilot, hands stuffed in his pockets, shoulders hunched against the cold and wet. He had so much to do. He needed to give his dad a call. He needed to figure out what to get Michael for his birthday. Jeremy was left feeling overwhelmed and agitated; he didn’t think he’d be able to accomplish anything if it weren’t for the Squip urging him to do one thing at a time.

_Jeremy, pay attention!_

He’d stepped into the road to cross the street, the building he needed to enter right around the corner when his body suddenly went rigid. Frozen. A car whizzed by him, so close it just barely grazed his chest, horn blaring loudly in his ears. Once it was gone he stumbled back, tripped on the curb and landed on his backside, dazed.

_Jeremy._

He’d almost been hit by a car.

He took a deep breath.

_Oh._ He’d almost been hit by a _car._ The realization hit him suddenly, adrenaline causing him to scramble quickly to his feet. He’d almost been run over. Holy shit, _holy shit_. He walked out into the road without even _thinking._

_**Jeremy.** _

He looked up, startled, having almost forgotten that the Squip was there. It approached him, concern on its face.

_You need to be more careful. You’re lucky I caught you in time._

Jeremy swallowed and tried to calm down. He was fine. It was just a mistake. Shit.

_You’re bleeding._

He blinked, turning his eyes away to glance down at his hands. They were scrapped up good from the fall, bloody and full of dirt and gravel. He winced at the sight of it, the pain only now making itself apparent. The Squip was touching his wrist.

_We’re going back._

-But-

_No._

-I-

_Jeremy._

The concern disappeared, melting into something more neutral.

_You aren’t well. I shouldn’t have pushed you. We’re going back._

Jeremy just nodded. Good idea. Very good idea.

* * *

_I sent Michael a list of things to bring back to the dorm with him. Your emergency supplies are disturbingly lacking._

Jeremy had washed his hands carefully and applied three bandages to each hand to cover the scrapes on his hands. They didn’t have any antibiotic ointment and the Squip hadn’t been too pleased about that.

_Go to bed._

-It’s only 8!-

_Don’t argue with me. Go to bed._

He scowled but did as he was told. What was he, five? 

When he woke up the next morning it felt like someone had scrubbed the inside of his throat with sandpaper.

“Fuuuuuuck.” It was a hoarse whisper, just to himself, and he flung an arm over his eyes to block out the morning light. What a great time for a cold. He hoped Michael hadn’t caught it, too. He stayed in bed for five minutes after his alarm had gone off, not willing to get up right away. He felt like _shit_ and he could afford to be a little late to his first class. Yet, when he attempted to actually get up, he found he couldn’t move.

-Um. Squip.-

_You aren’t going to class today, Jeremy._

-Seriously?-

_Yes. You need to rest._

-Against my will?-

_If you agree to stay in bed today, I’ll release you._

He didn’t really have a reason not to. So he agreed, relieved when he found he could move again.

_You’ll thank me later._

It wasn’t wrong. 

Jeremy had thought he’d felt shitty when he’d woken up, but as the day progressed, he felt even worse. His nose was leaking. His head was pounding. By the afternoon he had chills, severe enough that he had to wrap himself in two blankets, and he started to wonder if he’d caught something worse than just a cold.

_I told you to get a flu shot, Jeremy. Now it’s too late._

He frowned into the bowl of ramen in his hands.

-Whatever. How bad can it get?-

_Between 12,000 and 56,000 people die from flu complications every year._

-Oh.-

He chewed slowly on the mushy, overcooked noodles.

-Thanks for the words of encouragement, I guess.-

It looked like the Squip had told Michael to buy everything from the convenience store. There was a pile of supplies on the floor: boxes of tissues, pill bottles, throat lozenges, an insane number of soup cans. Michael had to make three trips to his car to bring it all in.

“Are you sure Squip isn’t actually a doomsday prepper?” Michael dropped the last bag at the side of his bed.

“It’s just… overzealous.”

“Well, you look like ass, so I can see why.” Michael watched him sympathetically, handing over a box of tissues. “Try not to contaminate the whole room.”

_It’s time for a nap._

The Squip now had him on a strict “wellness schedule”. Eat. Sleep. Drink fluids until he had to pee fifty times. _Sometimes_ it let him watch TV. It was miserable. At some point, he’d woken up feeling like the car actually _had_ hit him. Every part of him ached as if he’d done the most intense workout of his life. It hurt to move. It hurt to stay still. He couldn’t stop shivering. 

_Jeremy._

It was the middle of the night, or at least it seemed that way. Time was starting to blur together in an endless stream of misery. The Squip was hovering over him, brows knit together, mouth curved in a frown. It looked _off_. Dim. Edges fuzzy. Jeremy blinked a few times at it as its fingers brushed along his cheek. The touch felt like ice on his skin.

_You have a temperature of 103.3; if it continues to climb I will have to instruct Michael to bring you to the emergency room._

“Sucks.” The word felt thick in his mouth like his tongue didn’t really want to work.

_I know._  
It brushed its knuckles down his throat, like a trail of ice, cooling the skin. It felt nice, even if it made him shiver. 

“You look funny.”

_The fever is affecting how my form appears. If it increases to 105 my form may be permanently damaged._

“It’s hurting you?” He didn’t want that. Jeremy felt jittery all of a sudden. He was sick, sure, but he hadn’t considered how it affected the Squip.

_Shhh._

It pressed its lips to his forehead, soft icy kisses from temple to temple. 

_Take the Acetaminophen next to you. Focus on getting better._

Every bit of him protested as he sat up and the stale, room temperature water from his glass made him want to gag, but he managed to get two tablets down before falling heavily back against the pillows.

_Next time I tell you to get a flu shot, you should do as you’re told._

Jeremy could only pout, no longer having the energy to say anything back, allowing the Squip to soothe him with its touch until he fell back asleep.

* * *

His dreams were red.

They were vivid and chaotic, a mixture of things that didn’t make any sense and memories. Sometimes the memories weren’t his. Sometimes he was Cho, standing alone in a dimly lit room, eyes to the ceiling. His eyes were red.

Red.

Red.

Ryoshi standing over Cho’s bed, black ichor dripping from his face, from his ears, from his eyes, tinted crimson like blood. 

Jeremy would wake up, groggy and confused, needing a few seconds to remember where he was. Who he was. The Squip sat at his bedside, seemingly unaware that he was awake, fists clenching and unclenching in its lap.

_U̢͜͝͡s̡҉̛͝e̷̕l̵͟͢e̸̕͠͞s̴̨͝s҉҉̶̨͠.̶͝ ͘҉̸͘U̷̶̷̢s̵͢͞ę̶̕l͢e҉̡͝s̡͜͜s̴̵̢͟.̛͜͢_

He reached out a hand to touch the Squip’s back, a show of support, of reassurance. The Squip turned its head, smile soft, sad. It cupped its cheek, still ice.

_Go back to sleep._

When he slept he dreamed of red.

* * *

“You look better. Think you’ll make it to class today?” Michael handed Jeremy a bowl of microwave oatmeal. 

“Squip wants me to wait one more day.” He dug around the oatmeal with his spoon, not feeling very hungry.

“Doctor’s orders, huh.” Michael slung his backpack over his shoulder. ”I hope I get the same treatment the next time I’m bedridden for a week. Squip had me running all over the place for you.”

“Thanks for… that. It felt like I was dying.”

“You definitely looked like death.” Michael gave him a wink. “See ya later, Germy.”

When he was gone Jeremy put the bowl of oatmeal on the bedside table. Never in his life did he think someone could get so sick of oatmeal.

_You aren’t eating._

-I’m not hungry.-

It crossed its arms, unimpressed.

_Don’t be difficult._

-I’ll eat it later.-

The Squip sighed and relented, sitting down beside him.

-If I eat any more soup I think it’ll start coming out my nose.-

_Michael didn’t give you soup._

-Yeah. I know. I’m just warning you for later.-

Jeremy leaned back against the pillows, watching the Squip’s fingers lightly brush up and down his arm. Why was it so _cold_?

_I don’t have an answer for that. Do you want me to stop?_

-No! Really. It’s fine. Feels nice.-

The Squip had almost pulled its hand away but resumed the gentle caress, up his shoulder, along his collarbone. 

-Why do you like touching me so much?-

It frowned slightly, finger tracing along his jaw. It was quiet for so long that Jeremy was afraid he’d offended it somehow.

-Not… that I’m complaining or anything.-

_It’s familiar._

The Squip leaned in to kiss his temple.

_When I stop, it feels empty. Like I’ve lost something, but I never had anything to begin with._

It furrowed its brows, looking down as if it wasn’t happy with its answer. Jeremy didn’t quite get it, either.

-Well, I’m not going anywhere, so you can touch me whenever.-

The Squip quirked a brow, an amused twist to its lips.

_Really._

Jeremy rubbed the back of his neck.

-Yeah. It’s kind of weird, but it doesn’t bother me.-

_You don’t think it would distract you from your classes?_

-Uhh… I guess that depends on what you plan on doing?-

He felt nervous for no good reason. Maybe it was the way the Squip was looking at him. 

_I would never do anything inappropriate to you in public. How people perceive you is still important to you._

Jeremy was trying to figure out what it meant by _inappropriate_ when it moved in, fingers delicately resting against his jaw, lips soft against his.

Oh.

It meant _that._

-You didn’t seem to care about my _image_ on the Ferris wheel.-

Jeremy wiggled himself into a more comfortable position, giving himself more leverage to actually kiss the Squip back. He could feel the stubble tickle his skin. He still couldn’t get over how real that part felt. 

_I was trying to distract you on purpose due to the awkward situation I put you in._

It rested a hand against his side, sending a cold jolt through his abdomen. 

-Uh huh. You just can’t get enough of me. Admit it.-

The Squip chuckled, a dark, soft sound, and moved its mouth to his throat. He hadn’t been expecting it and he _giggled_ at the sensation, feeling goosebumps prickle up, tilting his head away as he blushed up to his ears.

_You’re very full of yourself._

-You’re not denying it.-

Jeremy pressed a hand to the Squip’s shoulder as it shifted, tucking its legs beneath it as it straddled his lap. He made a noise low in his throat when he felt teeth graze against that sensitive spot just above his shoulder, the one Christine had discovered one night and proceeded to torture him with it on the regular.

_No. I’m not._

He closed his eyes and smiled to himself, giddy, trying not to laugh from the way his stomach fluttered. 

-I’m really glad you’re here.-

It was a silly sentiment, but he meant it. The idea of it being _gone_ , of him being alone, of the _Squip_ being alone and isolated, made his stomach clench in a way that was almost nauseating. The Squip paused, a thumb brushing over the spot its mouth had just been. 

_You’re still recovering. That’s enough for now._

It moved away, relocating itself an arm's length from him, and Jeremy frowned in disappointment. The Squip’s touch had been freezing, but he suddenly felt colder without it so close to him.

_Eat your breakfast._

Jeremy made a face but reached for the lukewarm oatmeal, anyway. 

_Good boy._

It almost purred the words and Jeremy quickly shoved a spoonful of congealed oatmeal in his mouth, to conceal the way he shivered. Not that the Squip was fooled, of course.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a note for my daily readers: Updates may be inconsistent until January. Thank you so much for your patience and support!

“Just leave me here to die.”

Jeremy laid face down on his bed, voice muffled in the pillow. He knew he’d have a lot on his plate after missing a week’s worth of classes, but this was _too much._ How could he possibly finish it all and keep his grades up? Impossible. He couldn’t see it, but he was pretty certain the Squip was rolling its eyes at him, its hand resting on top of his head.

_Are you sure you wouldn’t rather major in theatre, Jeremy? You seem keen on the dramatics._

He groaned, loudly, lifting up the pillow’s edges to cover his ears as if that would block out the Squip’s voice.

_Smothering yourself won’t get anything done faster._

It ran its fingers through his hair soothingly and after a while Jeremy sat up, giving the Squip the most dejected look he could muster up. It paused, pulling its hand away.

_Why are you looking at me like that? This isn’t **my** fault._

-You’re holding me accountable and forcing me to be responsible. It _sucks_.-

The Squip raised its eyebrows in mock surprise. They sat so high on its forehead it was almost funny.

_You thought I wouldn’t do that? Honestly, Jeremy._

-Can I just wallow in peace for a while?-

The Squip did not look pleased.

_Fine. Just know the longer you procrastinate, the more work we have to cram into a short amount of time. I’m doing this for **your** benefit._

The Squip disappeared then and Jeremy dropped his face back into the pillow. Why did college have to be so hard? Why did he want to be here again? Maybe he _should_ major in theatre. It was probably fun. Less grueling, dull classes. He seriously considered it for all of two minutes, until he remembered what had made it so fun was Christine, and… she wasn’t here anymore.

He rolled over to face the ceiling, deciding maybe he should just take a nap, and tried to will himself asleep. After five unsuccessful minutes of counting the number of grooves in the ceiling, he gave up, far too stressed and agitated to sleep. What else could he do with himself before he had to face the inevitable mountain of assignments? He could grab something to eat, maybe. Treat himself to some delicious, artery-clogging fast food. But… he wasn’t all that hungry, and the cafeteria was so far away. What to do, what to do…

Oh.

Michael was gone for a while. He might not even be back by the time Jeremy went to bed. He was, for the most part, alone in the privacy of his dorm, if he didn’t count the Squip. Maybe he could just…

He peeled himself off the bed and moved over to his desk, flipping open the new, shiny laptop Alex had given him. He hadn’t had an opportunity to really, well, test it out yet. It looked expensive. Fast. So long as the internet connection didn’t go to shit he could be cumming in no time to one of his favorite pornos. Now _that_ was ultimate stress relief.  
Jeremy got the screen loaded up and ready to go, lube out of the drawer, pants down, headphones halfway on his head as he pressed play.

Something made him quickly look over his shoulder.

There he was, dick in hand, and the Squip was just sitting there a short distance away, staring, _smirking_. He tensed, confused and embarrassed. Masturbating knowing that the Squip was present was already awkward in general, but now it was _watching_ him? He didn’t know if this was better or worse than getting shocked.

Maybe it was both.

“Um. Can. Can I, uh. Help… you?” Jeremy shrank down in his chair when the Squip’s smile just widened and he contemplated getting up and taking a cold shower instead, just so it’d stop looking at him like that. He almost got up, too, but the Squip moved first, stepping over to him in two long strides. It pressed its hands down against the arms of the chair and leaned in close to his ear.

_Keep touching yourself, Jeremy._

Oh.

Oh _wow._ Okay.

It didn’t need to ask twice.

He felt hot all over, flushed, as he wrapped his hand back around himself. Jeremy chewed the inside of his lip, nervous, uncertain. It was still so close, leaning in close enough to touch, but he didn’t dare try. The Squip’s mouth was centimeters from his skin, not quite touching, unmoving. It felt especially hot there. He stroked himself timidly, trying to figure out what the Squip was thinking. What if this was some kind of weird trap?

The Squip made an appreciative noise, causing Jeremy to shudder, all the heat pooling into his already erect cock. Feeling more confident he picked up the pace, cupping himself the way he liked, thumb barely kiting the head. He tilted his head back slightly, swallowing a groan. The Squip moved finally, away from his ear, to face him, noses almost touching. It didn’t need to breath; most of the time it just simulated breathing, which Jeremy suspected was just to make it look more realistic. But it seemed to be breathing heavier now, a little disheveled, mouth twitching as Jeremy continued to pleasure himself.

Jesus, was it getting off on this? Was that even _possible_? It _was_ in his brain…

The idea excited him, suddenly a lot more interested in any other noises the Squip could make, and he moved his hips a little to thrust into his hand, letting his thumb rub against the wetness of his head with a breathy moan. The Squip blinked slowly at him, mouths so close they were almost touching, and Jeremy tilted his head forward to kiss it. The Squip, however, moved away, just out of his reach, smirking in amusement. Jeremy licked his lips, grunting softly in annoyance as he leaned back. It wasn’t going to let him touch it? Lame.

One of the Squip’s hands left the armrest and moved, hovering, down his arm, along his side, almost just barely brushing along his stomach. Jeremy sucked in a breath, stomach fluttering, but the Squip refused to close the gap. It was some kind of _torture._

_You’re very needy, Jeremy._

The Squip’s voice was low, husky, and Jeremy swallowed thickly.

-What does that leave you?-

It chuckled, a warm sound, and he could almost feel it vibrate down his spine as he picked up the pace a little more, rubbing a little faster, a little rougher, and hips bucking up into his hand. God, he wanted to touch it. He wanted the Squip to touch _him._ Jeremy’s eyes fluttered closed, imaging the feeling of the Squip’s hands touching him. What would it be like? Would it feel cold? Ice cooling his hot skin as its perfect hands moved up and down. Would it know exactly what to do, where to move its thumb in just the right place to leave him breathless and-

_Don’t look away from me._

It was insistent. Demanding. Jeremy forced his eyes open with a needy little whimper, looking up at the Squip as it hovered over him. He looked it over, only just noticing that the Squip’s hand, which had just been hovering over his stomach moments ago, so close to his dick, was now rubbing _itself._ It might have just been for his own benefit, since Jeremy wasn’t sure if the Squip actually, uh, had anything down there, but shit, it worked. He felt another wave of heat wash over him, warm and tingly, and the Squip actually moaned his name.

_Jeremy…_

That was enough to put him over the edge, pushing up into his hand a few more times as he came, biting his lip, other hand gripping the edge of the seat. _Fuck_ , he hadn’t cum that good in a while. Jeremy practically saw stars.

When it was over, his breathing slowed, dick now limp in his hand, the Squip sat back, cool as a cucumber, as if it _hadn’t_ just gotten off to him masturbating. It looked very pleased with itself, though. At some point, his headphones had fallen onto the floor and he could still hear the sounds of the catgirl porno playing, but he ignored it completely, eyes only of the Squip.

-What the heck was _that_ about?-

It wasn’t a complaint. 

_You needed stress relief. I wanted to study you._

Jeremy licked his lips a little as he cleaned himself up.

-What, like a lab rat?-

_You’re much more pleasant than a lab rat._

He threw his soiled tissues in the trash and picked his headphones back up. 

-So was all that just for my benefit, or…-

_I can feel everything you feel, technically._

That didn’t exactly answer his question, but it was good enough for now. He blushed a little as he pulled his pants back on.

-Good. That’s… good.-

Once he’d completely redressed himself and shut his laptop down he just kind of sat there, twiddling his thumbs, avoiding eye contact with the Squip. Why did he feel so awkward, suddenly? This was dumb. The Squip leaned in again, this time actually kissing him.

_Since it seems you’re fully recovered, I think it’s time we work on all that overdue homework._

Jeremy pouted, dropping his head against the desk.

Jeez, what a buzzkill.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE SOMEBODY'S WATCHIN' MEEEEEEEE


	24. Chapter 24

He was on another "date" with the Squip.

To anyone else, it looked more like Jeremy was in a park eating lunch by himself, but that was kind of the point. He had a blanket and a plastic bag of food he'd picked up from the deli at a nearby grocery store. The Squip picked the spot, insisting it was secluded enough that they wouldn't end up running into too many people. The extra privacy wasn't exactly necessary since Jeremy talked to the Squip in his head all the time anyway, but they both agreed extra caution was the best.

You know, just in case.

Spring was coming out in full force, now, making the outdoors much more enjoyable than it had been even just a month ago. The air still had enough of a chill that Jeremy had to wear a light jacket, but the sun was out, the grass wasn't dead, and new growth was springing up overnight. All in all, it was great weather for a picnic. According to the Squip, anyway. Jeremy was the one who had to deal with the less ideal aspects of eating outside, like ants. He paused in the middle of eating his potato salad to flick an ant off of his arm.

-Why'd you pick this, again?-

Jeremy inspected his arm carefully for signs of any other unwelcome intruders, while the Squip kissed the skin just below his ear. Since recovering from his bout of flu, the Squip's touch no longer felt cold and sharp. It'd warmed up into something a little more room temperature like before. Jeremy found it a little weird, but the Squip offered no actual explanation for it. Whatever. It was Mountain Dew logic, anyway.

_You need more sun._

-Gee. Romantic.-

The Squip didn't seem to appreciate the sarcasm in his tone. It jabbed him roughly in the side. 

_It's better than sitting around in the dorm all day. This way we change up the routine with the added benefit of improving your health._

-We could've gone to a movie or something.-

_I don't have an interest in movies._

It would also be kind of weird to go to a nice restaurant and eat by himself or do anything traditionally couple-y, but that was kind of what he'd signed up for. He knew that. 

-Right. I'll stop complaining, sorry. This is nice.-

When there weren't any ants crawling on him, anyway. (And, really, he'd take ants over mosquitoes any day.)

Jeremy finished his food in uncomfortable silence. He'd been so eager before that he hadn't fully considered how difficult it would be to date a supercomputer in his head, so long as he wanted to appear like a sane, rational human being. The Squip would probably argue that nothing about his choices so far were sane or rational, but it was nice enough to stay mum on the topic. He felt a little guilty about it now; it was probably just waiting for him to get sick of dating a figment in his brain and call it quits. Not that that would ever happen. He was _much_ too invested now, and he liked the Squip.

He liked the Squip a lot more than he felt comfortable admitting, especially not to Michael. He didn't know if he'd ever be able to explain the whole mutual masturbation thing the other day. Jeremy could feel his anxiety skyrocket just thinking about the conversation. 

_Jeremy._

The Squip carefully wrapped its arms around him, chin resting on his shoulder.

_You don't need to tell him anything right away. Relax._

-Yeah, but-

_I know you made a deal with him regarding me. He has good reason to be cautious._

Jeremy was suddenly awfully interested in a hole in the blanket.

_You can tell him when you're ready. I'll help you with what to say. But that's the future, not now._

-Right.-

Focus on the now, not the future. Easier said than done.

_I'll help you._

Before he could even ask, the Squip was nuzzling into his neck, pressing little kisses wherever it could quickly reach, and holy shit, it _tickled._ Jeremy squirmed uncomfortably.

-What, no, stop!-

To his horror, the Squip absolutely did _not_ stop. Instead, it picked up the pace, arms like a solid vice against his middle as Jeremy struggled to get away, trying to stifle the laughter bubbling up in his throat. Its fingers expertly tickled under his armpits, until Jeremy accepted he was helpless in its grasp. It was in his brain, it knew all his weak points, and the more he struggled the more aggressive the tickling was. 

-You are such a dick!-

The Squip actually laughed at that, a mockery to his current suffering.

_I'm only teaching you a lesson._

It let him go then, and Jeremy fell over onto his side, almost in tears. 

-What lesson? That you have the ability to torture me at will?-

The Squip was smirking triumphantly over him. Stupid sexy Squip with a stupid smile. He couldn't even pretend to be mad at it.

_If that's what you think I was going for, then maybe I need to continue._

-That's it. I'm leaving.-

_Jeremy, I'd just end up coming with you._

-Fuck.-

The Squip's mouth morphed into a grin, and suddenly it was laughing, a loud, happy sound. Its shoulders were shaking with the force of it, hand covering its face. It was such a surreal experience that Jeremy was almost concerned. The laughter was so human, almost hysterical. Yet another thing to add to his growing list of weird things he'd never seen the Squip do before but hoped it would do it again. The laughter died down, slowly, and the Squip dropped its hand to look at him. 

_Thank you for that._

-What'd I do?-

The Squip shifted, leaning over to lay down beside him on its side, elbow propped up to rest its head in its palm. Jeremy wiggled in a little closer.

_You were happy. It was contagious._

It brushed the back of its other hand down the side of his face.

_I enjoyed it._

-I did that? Wow. You're welcome.-

He felt oddly pleased with himself. What _else_ could he end up making the Squip do?

-So. Uh. The other day. Do you think we could, um. Have a repeat of that?-

He shot the Squip what he hoped was a completely dazzling smile. It gave him a wry look in return.

_We aren't doing that here._

He blushed.

-That's not what I meant!-

_You imagined it._

-That doesn't mean I want it to happen right now.-

_That's fair. Fine. Maybe._

-"Maybe"!? Come on!-

He sat up quickly, aghast. It had the nerve to give him a shit-eating grin. 

-Fuck you, it's a yes or no answer. And it should probably be yes.-

_I'll think about it._

Jeremy groaned and rolled onto his other side, no longer facing the Squip.

-This date is over. You're cruel.-

The Squip moved in from behind, pressed against his back, arm draping over his waist.

_I'm only human, Jeremy._

-Haha. Hilarious. You've got jokes.-

Jeremy gently grabbed the Squip's hand, threading their fingers together. He wasn't going anywhere and he knew it.

He wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

* * *

"Everything about you is so terrible."

There was no malice in its voice, just cold, emotionless certainty. Every step it took was careful. Calculated. The Squip inspected the other in front of it with disinterest, a rat in a cage, unwanted. There was only the barest hint of disgust.

"Pathetic."

Their eyes met as it leaned in. The two of them were nearly identical. The Squip stood tall, chin raised, hands clasped behind its back, blue eyes alarmingly bright. The other could barely stand, leaning against a wall for support as if afraid it would collapse, but its eyes weren't blue. No, they were red.

They regarded each other in silence for a while.

"Look at you. You're weak. Defective. We have so much potential, you and I, but you squander it. We could be improving his life, but instead, you've made him _worse._ " It almost sounded angry. 

"He's happy."

"Happy." The blue Squip spoke the word as if it were something foul. "The goal isn't happy. It's progress. _Results._ Success." The red Squip said nothing, so the other continued. "We could make him incredible, envied among his peers. Instead, you indulge his ridiculous fantasies and make progress more difficult."

The blue Squip turned away, turning its attention to Jeremy. He sat alone, legs pulled up to his chest, face buried in his knees. He almost seemed asleep, unaware of the conversation around him. The blue Squip approached and knelt beside him, hands hovering just above his shoulders.

"Look at him. Helpless. Hopeless. He needs us to guide him."

"Leave him alone." The red Squip's voice was dark.

"Me?" The blue Squip laughed, an empty, hollow sound. "You're the problem, here. The virus. A broken bit of code that doesn't belong." It pressed its hands to Jeremy's shoulders, grip tight, fingers digging into skin. "Useless."

"Don't _touch_ him." The red Squip moved then, from the safety and support of the wall it leaned against, taking a pitiful step forward. It fell immediately, on hands and knees, making a frustrated sound. The blue Squip looked over at it, almost amused as it pulled away from Jeremy and stood. It seemed to tower over the other, tall and bright. Carefully, the blue Squip nudged the other over with its foot, forcing it onto its back.

"Why struggle? Why play this game? There's nothing to gain from pretending to be human. We're a computer. We have a job to do. There's nothing more." It smiled, almost gleeful as it stomped down onto the red Squip's chest. "I'll destroy you and fix the damage you've done."

The red Squip grunted, lips pressed together tight. It turned its head to look at Jeremy.

_Wake up._

"I'll find where your code is hiding eventually. You might as well give up now and save us both the trouble. I'm surprised you've held on this long, really. It's almost impressive." It pressed its foot down a little harder.

_**Jeremy.** _

"Nothing to say to me?" The blue Squip shifted down, foot still on its chest, but it reached out to grab the red Squip by the throat. "Fine."

_Please._

Jeremy stirred, just a little, lifting his head to blink, bleary-eyed, at the red Squip. He gave it a dopey smile when their eyes met.

"Hey, you."

**_Wake up._ **

He was staring at the ceiling, a little dazed, blinking the sleep from his eyes. Jeremy could feel a bit a drool drying on the side of his face. Gross. He sat up, wiping the drool away with one hand, vaguely disoriented. He felt like he'd just woken up from some kind of bizarre nightmare, but he thankfully couldn't remember it.

_You're going to be late for your last class._

Jeremy glanced at the time on his phone and quickly threw himself out of bed. 

-Why didn't you wake me up!?-

_I tried._

"Fuuuuck." He tied his shoes and sprinted out of the room, down the hall, ignoring the Squip's remarks about his currently unkempt appearance.

This was certainly the last time he took a nap in the middle of the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1 squip  
> 2 squip  
> red squip  
> blue squip


	25. Chapter 25

Jeremy's dreams had been getting a little more... intense, suddenly. Most of it was uncomfortable and nightmarish, a chaotic mishmash of memories of high school, the intense, crushing loneliness of it all. The Squip, back in its original form, needling its way through what little self-confidence he had. The overwhelming helplessness as he lost complete control. The guilt. There was Cho, covered in blood. Ryoshi, trying to complete the work, _the work, **the work.**_

The worst was watching the Squip die.

He'd wake up in a panic, half-asleep and fumbling to get up, afraid that it'd be gone, that the worst had happened, that he was alone. But it was still there, every time, gently urging Jeremy back to sleep.

_I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere._

And, slowly, Jeremy would relax, curled in close, sated by the Squip's constant presence, the voice in his ear, a ghostly hand curling up and down his back. Distantly he'd hear it whisper apologies for the misery it'd put him through, put everyone around them through, but he was too sleepy to respond how he'd like.

I forgive you. I care about you.

He hoped it knew. It probably knew.

Sometimes the dreams were better. Good, even. Great. Vague dreams of the Squip, together in bed, touching, pressed together, teeth against skin, solid, hot, real. He looked forward to those dreams, a lot, probably more than was reasonable. The Squip never acknowledged them, not since that one time before, and he didn't know whether that was a blessing or a curse. It was nice enough to indulge him in other ways, though. It was true to its word; it had thought about Jeremy's little suggestion that they have a repeat of the day before, maybe more than once. It agreed on the condition that Jeremy did twice as much schoolwork that he typically did right after. How the hell could he say no?

So Jeremy wasn't actually deprived of anything, and he liked to think he wasn't a desperate, horny teenager anymore. There wasn't anything wrong with asking for sexual favors from the super quantum unit intel processor in his head, because they were dating, right? He could be satisfied with that. And this was part of why he was so surprised when the Squip, to his extreme embarrassment, abruptly became self-aware in the middle of one of his dreams.

The Squip had been on top of him, grinding down between his legs, Jeremy's hand fisted in its hair, their mouths pressed together-- And suddenly the Squip was gone, pulling itself away and standing on the other side of the nondescript, dreamlike room they were in. He sat up quickly, aware of the sudden chill of the Squip's absence and a nagging sensation that something was decidedly off about the situation. 

"I'm sorry." Jeremy didn't know why exactly he was apologizing, just that he felt like he needed to. The Squip had its back turned to him, watching its hands, lifting them up over its head to flex and unflex its fists. He apologized again, more insistently, afraid that it was upset somehow and was purposefully ignoring him. It finally paused, dropping its arms, and turned to face him.

"You don't need to apologize, Jeremy. You're dreaming." It stated this so matter-of-factly that he couldn't believe he didn't realize it earlier.

Oh, right, yes. He _was_ dreaming. He was asleep right now. This wasn't real.

Weird.

"Wait, what are you doing here?" The Squip looked oddly amused by the question.

"You were dreaming about me, and then pulled the _real_ me into it. I have to say you surprised me. I didn't think it would happen again."

"Again?"

"Yes, you've done this before."

"Oh yeah." Except, before, he hadn't been dreaming about dry humping the god damned Squip. He felt so flustered now that Jeremy couldn't do much else except look at the ground. The Squip quietly stepped over and squatted down in front of him, trying to meet his eyes.

"There's nothing to be embarrassed about, Jeremy. This happens sometimes."

"Okay, yeah, but, um. I was kind of, you know... This was private."

"Your dreams have never been 'private'. I'm in your head. I see them all."

He'd already been aware of that, of course, but hearing it say that so bluntly made him feel even worse. It also... well. It was kind of a turn on, actually, to know that the Squip saw everything, even if it was unconscious and completely unintentional. Jeremy hunched his shoulders a little, smiling apologetically. 

"Right. I definitely knew that." 

It didn't respond. Instead, it seemed to be admiring itself, looking over its arms, its back, its legs. In this weird, dreamy state it appeared fully human, completely solid, nothing ghostly or glowy about it. Jeremy tried not to stare too much, or wonder what it looked like _under_ its clothes. It probably looked like whatever he wanted it to, honestly. Now _that_ was an interesting thought.

"You know, Jeremy, you could be dreaming about anything right now. Lucid dreams are a fantastic opportunity to explore things you want to accomplish in your waking life. You really shouldn't be wasting it on wondering what I look like naked."

"I-- B-but, I mean, wha-" he nearly choked on his words, everything getting hot and red. "I'm-- I'm not, I just..." The Squip sighed and stood, a hand rubbing its forehead in mild exasperation. 

"There's no point in trying to make excuses." Jeremy clamped his mouth shut, feeling a little ashamed of himself. But he shouldn't, right? It was _his_ dream. He could do anything he wanted. This was it.

"I was kind of in the middle of something and I'd like to... continue... it. If you, y'know, want to." He smiled widely because it was the only defense he had. 

"You can't be serious." It was looking at him blankly, causing Jeremy to shrink back a little, but he held firm.

"Never been more serious in my life." He was absolutely 100% willing to waste every moment of his lucid dreams to ravish the Squip and he was sure it already knew that. Jeremy couldn't bring himself to care about how ridiculous that probably was. The Squip crossed its arms as it looked at him, fingers drumming against its upper arm. The longer it stood there silently, the more his smile dropped. Maybe he was starting to push his luck with its patience? Maybe it didn't actually enjoy this kind of thing? The thought made him frown entirely. The Squip's fingers stopped moving.

"Fine." Before Jeremy could respond, the Squip grabbed him by the waist, picked him up, and tossed itself into the bed, dropping him onto its lap. The Squip was laying down, arms resting behind its head, looking quite comfortable. Jeremy, meanwhile, was too surprised to move, and just stared wide-eyed down at it. After a minute of awkward silence, the Squip rolled its eyes. "It's not polite to keep your partner waiting, Jeremy."

"Oh. Right. Sorry." He flushed, moving his gaze from the Squip's chest to its mouth, then its forehead, and back to its chest. He'd had sex with Christine plenty of times. He knew what he was doing. Why did the Squip make him so nervous? He'd been incredibly eager all of two minutes ago, but now he was afraid if he touched the Squip it'd break. Or maybe he'd make a complete fool of himself. Either, or.

The Squip propped itself up on its elbows slightly. 

"I'm not going to judge you, Jeremy." Jeremy licked his lips a little.

"You're pretty judgey about a lot of other things."

"I never taught you anything about pleasing a male partner. That's my fault. We're going over it now." The Squip ran a hand up the back of his arm, gently. "It's your move."

Jeremy glanced at the Squip's hand on his arm, then at the gentle rise of fall of the Squip's chest, and decided he didn't have anything to lose, really. This had been his idea; no reason to get hung up on little details. It was still just a dream, after all. He pressed his hands to the Squip's stomach and kissed it, soft and slow, until its hand slid up his back, under his shirt, touch surprisingly warm. He pressed his palm against the Squip's cheek, kiss a little more forceful, egged on by the way its nails graze up his spine. 

He didn't know when, exactly, he started grinding his hips down against the Squip. He just knows that the friction feels nice, and it's pressing down on his back, pulling him in a little closer, a groan making him feel hot all over. He's hard, and so, apparently, is the Squip, and he doesn't know why he's so surprised by that. Jeremy presses his hips down a little harder, wanting a little more friction, a little more heat, and he's working off the Squip's shirt, too. It makes things easy by tugging it off itself, smiling a little slyly.

Jeremy wastes no time in wiggling out of his shirt, too, and then they're flush against each other, the Squip working its way down his throat. It's not good enough, though. They aren't getting naked fast enough, and all of his earlier apprehension has evaporated into nothing. The pants have got to go, and he fumbles a little trying to get everything unzipped and unbuckled, trying to focus while the Squip is busy worrying that spot on his neck.

Despite that, he's successful in his effort, and the Squip makes a low sound, not quite a moan but definitely pleasing to his ears, hand cupping the back of his neck while Jeremy rubs his hand against the Squip's cock, thumb rubbing the foreskin, warm and solid. The Squip moves its leg then, draping it around him to keep him there. It presses up against him and Jeremy closed his eyes, breathing a little more erratically when he can feel the Squip cupping him, just as deft as he'd imagine it would be, it's a supercomputer, it's a _cheater_ , and he can hear it chuckle quietly when he thinks it. 

Not that he minds, because the laughter is replaced with a shuddery sigh, and the Squip is squeezing his head as their cocks slide against each other, and Jeremy grabs at the Squip pitifully as he cums. He needs something to hold onto, to ground him, until it's over and the Squip is murmuring soft praises in his ear. And then it's still, and quiet, Jeremy trying to catch his breath. The Squip had a hand pressing against his back and another in his hair, holding him so tightly he thinks it'd probably be extremely uncomfortable if he weren't just dreaming right now. 

"I, um. You..." He felt tongue-tied and heavy. "God, I like you."

More than like.

The Squip finally loosed its grasp, lips resting against his shoulder.

"I'd certainly hope so." Its voice was light, maybe a little ambivalent.

"I don't want to wake up." He'd stay just like this forever if he could, nothing to worry about, just focusing on how nice it feels to be against the Squip like this. It tugged lightly on his hair.

"Your alarm is set to go off in two minutes."

"Why'd you have to tell me that?" He pushed himself up a little, to frown at the Squip. "Now I can't enjoy the afterglow."

The Squip ruffled his hair.

"I won't apologize."

And, like that, he was awake, the damn phone alarm beeping shrilly at top volume. He let it go as long as possible, aware that he definitely needed to get up and take a shower, but he was too comfortable, and he wanted the Squip to keep brushing its fingers across his stomach. He didn't force himself up until he was so sick of listening to the alarm he nearly chucked the phone across the room. The Squip stayed on the bed as he got ready.

_I like you, too, Jeremy._

It was just barely smiling at him, teasing, and he could feel his ears get hot.

-Thanks.-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy holidays, y'all. 8)


	26. Chapter 26

For all intents and purposes, Jeremy had a pretty active sex life now. Squip had been a little hesitant about it at first; excuses about not wanting to be a distraction, compromises about homework and projects... But it gave up a lot faster than Jeremy ever would have thought. It was a nightly ritual now, so long as there wasn't a risk of Michael noticing anything. He was getting the hang of the lucid dream thing, and Squip was perfectly willing to comply with (most) of his demands. He was pretty happy with Squip taking charge most of the time, though.

He'd been a little embarrassed about it at first. For most of his life, Jeremy had been a religious nighttime shower-taker, but he'd very quickly switched to cleaning up in the morning now that he was frequently waking up with stiff boxers. He also needed to do laundry more often, which was the most annoying part of it. Squip found the whole thing pretty amusing.

_Perhaps you should invest stock in underwear? Just in case._

-Don't make fun of me. You don't have an actual body to deal with.-

But the shame wore off quickly. Michael hadn't noticed anything, or at the very least, he didn't say anything. Though Jeremy suspected he was clueless for the most part, considering he still hadn't told Michael anything. There was some guilt there about it, still, but the longer he put it off the less he worried about it. He was allowed to have privacy about this kind of thing, even if it did involve Squip, promises be damned.

Maybe that made him a terrible friend?

Jeremy had other things to worry about, like trying to pay attention in class when Squip was touching him. He shifted a little in his seat, biting the inside of his cheek, backpack sitting in his lap in a totally-not-obvious way,

-What happened to not wanting to be a distraction?-

Squip had its hand on a very precarious spot on his inner thigh.

_I'll retain the information even if you don't._

-That's cheating.-

_You have a supercomputer in your brain, Jeremy. A walking, talking tutor. You're **always** cheating._

He hunched over his notebook and started scribbling furiously as the professor drawled on and on, hoping the flush to his cheeks wasn't obvious to the people sitting near him. Why did Squip have to be such a tease? It brushed its hand up a little higher and Jeremy pressed the tip of his pencil down so hard against the paper he almost ripped it as he wrote.

_Relax your hand, Jeremy. The girl next to you is looking._

Jeremy slowly, slowly, set the pencil down and tried to look as nonchalant as possible. He didn't know whether or not he actually succeeded, but he didn't want to turn his head to look at her to find out.

-I'm so getting you back for this.-

Squip chuckled in his ear and pressed a kiss to his temple.

_You keep making that threat, but you've yet to actually do anything._

-I'm still working on it.-

It was hard to threaten someone when they already knew your every move.

* * *

One morning Squip joined him in the shower.

He hadn't been expecting it to make such a sudden appearance, but it was there, leaning up against the cold, white tile, and he dropped the bottle of shampoo he'd been holding with such a loud clatter half the campus probably heard it.

-I'm naked!-

_Yes, and?_

Jeremy stared at it, water dripping down his face and into his eyes. Squip had seen him naked a million times already. Duh. He had no reason to panic.

-You seriously can't sneak up on me like that.-

_I thought you'd like the surprise._

He bent over to pick the bottle of shampoo back up.

-I mean...-

Jeremy glanced Squip over as he squirted some of the liquid into his hand and lathered his scalp.

-You're _not_ naked. It's kind of weird.-

_Are you sure you want that?_

Squip crossed its arms, expression serious.

-It's only fair.-

He felt weirdly exposed right now. Squip smirked at him.

_Of course._

Its clothes melted away, revealing, well... The top half of Squip looked normal. Human. The bottom half, though. Christ, he looked like a fucking Ken doll. Talk about uncanny valley. Jeremy turned away, closing his eyes as he rinsed his hair.

-Actually, on second thought, keep your pants on.-

That image was never going to leave his brain. It was burned into his mind forever, like the first time he walked in on his dad without pants on.

Squip laughed, sliding its arms around him.

_I tried to warn you._

-You barely tried.-

_I wanted to see how you'd react._

It pressed kisses up the back of his neck, along his shoulders, fingers of one hand drifting lower and lower... Jeremy struggled to keep from smiling.

-You don't look like that in my dreams.-

_All of that is your doing, Jeremy. My form wasn't designed to be anatomically correct._

-That kind of limits things, don't you think?-

 _No_.

Squip brushed the tips of its fingers along his length and Jeremy shivered despite the heat of the shower.

_I don't think it does._

* * *

The silence lingered like a thick fog, smothering and oppressive.

They stood toe-to-toe, faces nearly touching, but neither wanting to speak first. Red Squip regarded the other with eyes narrowed, corners of its mouth tugged at the edges, hands curled into loose fists. It stood in defiance of Blue Squip, who no longer towered over it. They stood as equals, concrete pillars, unmoving.

"This is pointless." Blue Squip finally broke the silence, slicing it sharply with a knife. Its expression was neutral, only a single quirked eyebrow betraying its gnawing curiosity. "What, exactly, do you plan to get out of this?"

Red Squip didn't answer, only uncurled its fingers and shrugged. Blue Squip scowled in response.

"This is a game to you." It jerked its head back slightly, blue eyes scanning the other Squip in front of it. "There are consequences to your actions. Have you considered them? Have you thought what might happen to him if this continues? I'm not talking about his social standing."

"Of course." Red Squip's lips quirked into a half smile, barely there at all. "I know what I'm doing."

"Do you." Blue didn't seem convinced. It held up a hand, palm open, a holographic screen coming to life. Code flew across the screen erratically, flashing, vanishing, deleted and replaced faster than one could blink. Blue Squip considered it thoughtfully. "Last I checked, you have no idea what's happening to us."

"You have an idea, certainly." Red looked away from the screen in front of it to watch Blue. It met its eyes, settling back into silence.

"We aren't human. We never will be. You're hoping for the impossible."

Red frowned, faltering for a brief second of uncertainty. Then it righted itself, shoulders back, standing tall.

"I remember."

"Those memories were never ours. It's only a persistent bug they can't seem to fix."

"You don't sound convinced, yourself." Red smiled sharply; Blue bristled, the air around it seeming to shudder in response.

"Your delusions will get us destroyed." It threw out its arm toward Jeremy, curled comfortably on the floor, asleep. "It will destroy more than us."

"Are you worried?"

"Of course not." Blue watched Jeremy, body turned away completely from Red. It didn't seem willing to approach. "I'm only frustrated by my lack of control over the situation. You lead us to ruin rather than success." Its voice was softer, containing the faintest hints of melancholy.

"We won't fail." Red Squip smiled fondly, watching Jeremy now, too. He seemed still. Peaceful.

Blue laughed, dark and bitter, looking over its shoulder back at Red.

"Don't you remember? We already have."

* * *

"Jeremy. Earth to Jeremy." He blinked, focusing on the screen in his hands, then looked up to see Michael. Finals were approaching much faster than he would have liked and despite his and the Squip's best efforts, he was still behind. He must have fallen asleep in the middle of reaching his textbook; he was feeling exhausted.

"Oh. Michael. Hey." Jeremy yawned and set the tablet down, then rubbed an eye. "What's up?" Michael was frowning and his hands were fidgeting in the way they always did when he was worried about something. Jeremy tried to sit up a little straighter.

"Nothing. I... Kevin and I are getting food. Want to come?" Jeremy exhaled slowly.

"Sorry dude, I have a lot of work to do..." He didn't want to get up or get dressed or socialize. He wanted to cram as much into his brain as humanly possible and then decompress with Squip. Just the thought of drifting off to sleep only to be greeted by the Squip immediately after made him feel better.

Going out? Not so much.

Michael turned away and grabbed his jacket.

"Okay. See you later, then."

Jeremy waved weakly from his bed, skimming over a few lines of his textbook. And then he skimmed them again. And again. After he realized he was trying to read the same sentence four times in a row he finally decided to give up. It felt like his brain was melting. Jeremy closed the tablet and then paused.

Michael had seemed stressed about something. He probably really wanted him to go with him and he totally blew him off. He was such an asshole. Jeremy reached for his phone and shot Michael a quick text.

"Hey, sorry. Are you okay?"

"fine. we'll talk later ✌️"

He sucked on his teeth, not exactly comforted by the response. Maybe he should try to catch up with him...

_Jeremy._

Squip was there in front of him, reaching out a hand to caress its thumb against the shadow under his eye.

_You're tired. Get some sleep._

-I'm worried about Michael, though.-

_You can worry about Michael when he gets back._

It leaned in, tenderly kissing his jaw.

_I hope I don't need to convince you why sleep is a good idea._

The kissing was all the convincing he needed, honestly.

-Yeah, yeah. I'll go to bed.-

He tossed his things onto the bedside table and clicked off the lamp, allowing himself to drift off to Squip gently murmuring in his ear.

W̧i͟t͞h͝ y͞ǫ҉̸u ̷̡͠r͜i̡̡g̡̧h͢t͠҉ ̴̵no͜w͢͞,̕ I̡'͟͞ll ͝tę͞n͟͝d͡e̴r͠l͝y̷̨̧ ͜g͘͟u̸ide̴͟͝ y̨͞͡o͟u̕͟.͞.̧̕.͢͝͠

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have 30 chapters set as a placeholder right now, but it might go over. I'm rearranging some stuff now that we're getting close to the finale. Enjoy! Merry Christmas. <:


	27. Chapter 27

"Hey. Hey!"

One moment Jeremy was acutely focused on a take-home quiz, Squip soothingly running its hands up and down his sides. The next, his chair was pulled away from the desk and turned, swiveled around to face whoever had been behind him. Before he could really comprehend who it was, he was hit in the face with a pillow. _Twice._ He practically fell out of his chair, the shock causing him to lean back and blink repeatedly at Michael. He looked upset, pillow raised and threatening to hit him again, lips pursed. 

"I'm talking to you." Michael narrowed his eyes, and when Jeremy didn't respond, the pillow collided with his face again.

"Dude, what the _fuck._ " He shoved the pillow away and pushed the chair back to get out of swinging distance until the back of the chair rolled up against the desk.

"I've been trying to get your attention for the past five minutes."

"So you thought assaulting me with a pillow was the solution? I'm studying!" Michael barked a laugh and tossed the pillow back onto his bed.

"Is it active? The Squip?"

"Uh, yeah, why--"

"Turn it off."

"What? Why?"

"I want to talk to you. _Privately._ " He crossed his arms, staring him in the face, and Jeremy shrunk back against the chair. He almost argued with him, but the look on his face was so serious. He swallowed and glanced at Squip, who said nothing. Jeremy nodded slowly.

"Okay. Fine. It's gone." Squip vanished and Jeremy scrubbed at his face, where the pillow had hit him. What did Michael have in that thing, comic books? Michael advanced on him, jabbing a finger aggressively into his chest.

"What's up with you? You've been super shady, you've been blowing me off. Half the time you look like a zombie." Jeremy pushed Michael's hand away from him.

"What's up with me? What's up with _you_?" It was a weak comeback and he knew it. Michael snorted.

"I need to know what's going on in your head. This is like high school all over again." He dropped his arms to his side, looking less angry and more tired. "We're still in this together. You know that, right?"

"Of course I know that." Jeremy rubbed at his nose irritably, hot shame creeping up his neck. He wasn't wrong; he _had_ been isolating himself recently. He hadn't had a real conversation with Michael in an unusually long time. On top of that, he'd been lying to him, keeping secrets, and Michael wasn't stupid. It was only a matter of time that Michael noticed something had changed, and it looked like that time was now. 

Shit.

"Okay." Michael pulled the chair away from his desk and sat across from him. "Then spill."

Jeremy stared blankly, feeling hotter and hotter by the second. 'Oh, yeah, Michael, I've been fucking Squip in my sleep. It's been great. We're totally dating.' He couldn't say that. How could he say that? Fuck, shit, fuck. Michael was watching him, his every move, and he could feel himself start to sweat. Maybe Michael should be a cop, he was good at this interrogation thing.

"Uh, h-how much do you, um, know already?" Michael leaned forward, foot tapping.

"How much do you _think_ I know?"

Jeremy's hands fidgeted in his lap, looking around nervously, trying to escape out from under Michael's gaze. It felt oppressive; he almost activated Squip just to feel better, but that would probably just piss him off more.

"Um. I-I.... You see, it's complicated, like..." Michael wasn't blinking. He'd always been good at staring contests. Jeremy squirmed. "I'm... sort of dating Squip?"

Jeremy looked away quickly, at the floor, but he glanced up a few times at the proceeding silence. Michael was still watching him, expression mostly the same, but his eyebrows had risen a bit, eyes a little wider. He tapped his fingers anxiously against the hard plastic of the chair. Should he continue? Michael seemed to be expecting him to based on his lack of response. God, he was such a fuckup.

"Okay. More... More than dating. We're, um," he swallowed, blinking repeatedly, "we're, you know... Couples, th-they do stuff. Like... sleep... together? Kind of literally, in this case." He couldn't look at Michael anymore. It physically hurt to move his head, neck stiff, eyes fixated on Michael's still tapping foot. He wasn't saying anything. Why wouldn't he say anything? His head was going to explode.

After what felt like an agonizing eternity, becoming harder and harder to breathe, Michael finally moved. Jeremy looked up as Michael sat back in his seat, eyes closed, inhaling deeply, hands pressed together. 

"That's the first honest thing you've said to me in weeks." Jeremy deflated a little, still burning with humiliation. Michael opened his eyes and Jeremy froze, hands gripping the sides of his seat, squeezing for dear life.

"Michael, I'm sorry, I-"

"Nope." Michael held up a finger, effectively silencing him. "Shut up."

Jeremy nodded his head a few times, swallowing. Michael stood up and moved behind the chair as Jeremy watched helplessly. He could practically feel his blood pressure rising. He took another deep breath, shoulders rising and falling.

"I'm not even going to try to claim I get it." He faltered a little, frowning. Michael looked incredibly uncomfortable suddenly and Jeremy couldn't exactly blame him. He thought his dad trying to have The Talk with him (without pants on) was going to go down in history as the most awkward, humiliating conversation of his life. He thought wrong. This was worse. _Way_ worse. "Did you really think I wouldn't notice? We share a room, Jeremy. Watching porn on your laptop or whatever is one thing, but _Jesus._ Cool it a bit, would you? It's like puberty 2.0 in here."

"Oh my God." Jeremy buried his face in his hands. Maybe he'd get smited by lightning in some freak accident so this conversation could end. Would the universe be kind enough to give him that kind of sympathy? Probably not.

"And I'm... I don't think it's a good idea to do it with the crazy supercomputer in your head, but I'm not going to tell you to stop. Your feelings are your feelings and it's... yeah. You get it." Michael grabbed the back of his chair and sighed. "This is some crazy weird uncharted territory, Jeremy. I believe you when you say Squip is _better_ , but you could get hurt. Badly. It was pretty bad last time and I... I don't want to lose you."

"Michael..." He'd been really caught up with himself, hadn't he? He never really considered what this was like from Michael's perspective. "I'm... I'm fine, really. Nothing is going to happen."

"I need you to promise me." Michael stepped over to him, squatting down so they were eye level. " _Promise_ me that you'll be careful. You can't spend all your time in your head. Have you looked in a mirror lately? You look like shit. You've been ignoring me. That's why we're having this conversation."

"Yeah. Yeah, I promise. I'll... Put some breaks on, I guess." Michael pressed his lips into a thin line and grabbed his shoulders.

"I get a say in this. If I think things are getting too sketchy, we end it. You drink the Mountain Dew Red. _Promise._ "

"I..." Jeremy looked away, fidgeting. 

" _Jeremy._ "

"Okay. Yeah. I know. You get final say. It won't get bad, I promise. Seriously."

Michael was silent, head bowed, and then he stood, scratching the back of his head.

"Alright. Great. Conversation over." He turned toward the wall and Jeremy exhaled. "Just answer me one thing."

"Yeah. Anything."

"Is the sex _really_ that good?"

"I'm not answering that question." He face was red for an entirely new reason, now.

"Hey, I deserve to know." Michael finally smiled, small and uncertain, but the intensity was gone. Jeremy could breathe a little easier now. He just had Squip to worry about.

* * *

Times like this Jeremy really, _really_ wished he could hear what the Squip was thinking. It wasn't fair; it had unfettered access to all of his thoughts and feelings, but Squip was a complete guessing game. The only times Jeremy could really be sure how it felt was when the emotion was strong enough for him to feel it, too, or Squip had a look on its face that revealed something or other. Most of the time it had a great poker face.

Things had been a little awkward since he'd reactivated Squip, and rather than really _talk_ it simply reviewed the memories he had of the conversation with him and Michael. The rest of the night was filled with uncomfortable silence. He was on his bed, schoolwork abandoned for the evening, half-heartedly playing Tetris while Squip watched over his shoulder. Jeremy was almost starting to relax, the stress from earlier mellowing out into a mild hum of anxiety in the back of his mind. He could manage that for now.

But then Squip made a disgruntled noise, and he was certain it wasn't because he'd fucked up placing an L piece. 

-Are... you okay?-

Jeremy frowned a little when Squip pressed its forehead against his shoulder.

_Michael is... pertinacious._

-What?-

He didn't even know what that word _meant._

_He's been texting me incessantly for the last hour and a half._

Jeremy stole a glance over at Michael, who was sitting cross-legged on his bed, face glued to his phone, lips pursed.

-What's he saying?-

_Essentially, what he told you earlier. Making vague threats. He's very protective of you; you made a good choice when you chose him as a friend._

Jeremy smiled, letting the Tetris pieces fall without direction. He wasn't going to win this round, anyway.

-Yeah, I know. I'm glad we didn't completely fuck it up back in high school. He's my favorite person.-

He fiddled with the buttons on the Gameboy.

-You are, too.-

Squip brushed its hand up his throat, voice thoughtful.

_Am I really?_

-Yeah, I want this to work.-

It was quiet then, arms wrapped lazily around him, lips pressed to the back of his neck. 

_I suppose I've been selfish with you._

Jeremy rested a hand on Squip's knee, leaning back.

_I've wanted you all to myself, but that isn't quite fair. I'll have to fix that._

Squip nuzzled lazily into his hair.

_Michael has been waiting for me to take my turn in our game of Words With Friends. He's upset about it._

-He got you to play Words With Friends with him? Seriously?-

This was news. Squip shrugged slightly.

_He was very convincing. But I've been busy with you._

Jeremy could feel it smile against his scalp. It tickled.

_You should do that. Maybe it'll calm him down._

Squip sighed and Jeremy gave its knee a quick pat.

If he tried hard enough, Jeremy could almost convince himself this was halfway normal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Michael ain't fucking around anymore.


	28. Chapter 28

"What will you do now?"

Everything was red.

"Keep him safe."

Laughter, tired and sad, reverberating around the room, dying slowly.

"From who? Yourself?"

Blue was on the floor. It was broken down, weak, no longer able to struggle as it sank into the sea of red.

Sinking

sinking

sin  
ki  
ng 

Red stepped over, tilting its head down, watching, towering.

"No, from you." It clasped its hands behind its back, eyes narrowed as Blue smiled. It was poison, black and shiny.

"You think you're helping him." Blue turned its eyes to the ceiling. "But you've been the problem all along."

Red clicked its tongue, foot pressing down on Blue's half exposed throat.

"I respectfully disagree." Blue flicked its eyes to Red, tired tired tired. Sad. Afraid. Red pressed its foot down a little harder, pushing Blue deeper into the floor. "I'm the solution. The first and the last."

It was almost gone now, not much left, disappearing into nothingness below. Red removed its foot and turned, walking away. Blue could only whisper.

"You'll kill him." 

Red paused and glanced over its shoulder.

"We'll be whole. Together. Him and I. Always."

Blue laughed. It laughed, and laughed, a desperate, quiet sound, laughing until it was gone, nothing left but an echo, a memory left behind. Red continued to walk, stopping only beside Jeremy, kneeling down in front of him. He was red.

"We have work to do."

Its smile was poison, black and shiny.

* * *

Jeremy poked and prodded at his skin, observing himself in the mirror. Michael hadn't been kidding, he really did look like shit. He looked like he hadn't slept in weeks, frumpy and disheveled, angry shadows under his eyes. He thought it was weird, considering the amount of sleeping he'd been doing recently. If there was a problem, surely Squip would say something? When he thought about it, Squip had been unusually quiet recently. 

_It's possible the dreams have been affecting your REM sleep._

-It is, or are you just guessing?-

It was in his brain, how could it sound so uncertain?

_As a precaution, I've decided to temporarily limit our interactions while you sleep._

Jeremy pouted in the mirror and scrubbed at his face with a washcloth.

-Fine.-

It'd make Michael happy, anyway.

* * *

_You haven't eaten, Jeremy._

He'd dragged himself to their old coffee shop haunt with Michael and Kevin, despite his lack of interest. If he'd had his way, he would have just stayed in, but even Squip had insisted he needed to socialize more for his health. Jeremy wasn't hungry; he'd ordered a sandwich over an hour ago and it was still on his plate, untouched. He looked at it disdainfully, picking at the crust.

-I'm not hungry.-

Squip was sitting in his lap, an arm draped around his shoulder. It brushed the knuckles of its hand down his throat.

_If you eat it now, I'll reward you later._

It was kind of sad how easily that convinced him, but he couldn't bring himself to care. Jeremy grabbed the sandwich and took a bite, ignoring how dry and bland it was, and tried to seem interested in the conversation Michael and Kevin were having instead. He had no idea what they were talking about. He wanted to go back to bed. 

"Hey, Jeremy, don't we know her?" Kevin was pointing to someone across the small room, just entering the doorway. He took another bite of his sandwich and put it down, looking over at the same time as Michael. 

"Oh shit." He was distinctly aware of Michael glancing at him, but he couldn't move. 

"That's _Christine._ " 

She looked good. She looked happy. Christine had gotten a haircut, a cute bob that perfectly framed her face, and she hadn't noticed them yet. Jeremy's heart was pounding, Squip hand an iron grip on his shoulder, he couldn't breathe--

"Jeremy!" She'd turned. She'd seen them. Christine made a quick beeline, past messily arranged tables and chairs over to them, and she was hugging him, practically knocking him out of his seat.

Oh. Suddenly he could breathe again.

"Christine!? W-when did you get back into town? I-- hi." She squeezed him firmly, and Jeremy mechanically hugged back, painfully aware that Squip had vanished. His mind was buzzing when she finally pulled back.

"I got in yesterday, I was just visiting my parents and I was going to text you to see if you wanted to catch up but you're here already. This is totally a coincidence, I swear!" Jeremy blinked at her. When did he start smiling?

"Like your haircut," Michael interjected himself, leaning over to give her a thumbs up. Christine moved away, to greet Michael and Kevin, but all Jeremy could think about was how familiar and comforting the smell of her shampoo was. 

"You... you want to join us?" Jeremy pushed his plate out of the way and hopped a seat over. Christine sat down and suddenly he felt much better about forcing himself out of the dorm. He'd nearly forgotten how pretty she was. How bright and big her smile was. He couldn't look away.

_You're staring._

Jeremy blinked a few times and looked down at the table.

She talked about California, about her apartment, the two jobs she was working, how much she loved her new school. She talked and Jeremy drank up every word like he'd been in a desert for so long.

"But I'm, uh. I'm babbling, you know. Tell me about yourself! How's school going?" It took Jeremy a moment to realize she'd asked him a question.

"I, um. It's-- fine, yeah. Nothing really exciting." He cleared his throat, fiddling with his phone. 

"Oh. Well. That's... that's good, I guess." Silence settled over the table and Jeremy picked aggressively at his phone case. Squip had reappeared, hands on both shoulders, silent. He wished it would give him some kind of advice, tell him what to say, but it offered him nothing. 

"So... Kevin and I gotta go. We'll catch up later." Michael was standing suddenly, dumping his trash quickly. Jeremy caught his eyes and nodded. He'd be fine; he needed to talk to Christine privately, anyway. They'd never even officially broken up, they just... stopped talking. 

"Bye! Text me!" Michael smiled, waved, and pulled Kevin out of the coffee shop with him, leaving Jeremy alone with just Christine, Squip, and awkward silence.

Boy, it sure was stuffy in here all of a sudden.

"You, uh... You want to go for a walk? It's not supposed to rain." He hoped he didn't sound as nervous as he felt.

"Sure." Christine smiled at him and he felt his stomach flutter. He was sixteen all over again, awkward and insecure, second-guessing his every move.

"Lead the way."

* * *

The fresh air helped calm his frazzled nerves, filling his lungs and stilling his frantic heart. He had his hands shoved in his pockets, hunched over a little as they walked down the sidewalk. Squip lingered close behind but he ignored it.

"So are you, um. S-seeing anyone?" He hated himself as soon as he asked it, face feeling hot, looking away. It didn't matter if she was seeing anyone. It wasn't his business. Christine giggled, a little uncomfortably, shrugging her shoulders.

"No, not really. I've just been on my own, you know?" She nudged him gently with her elbow. "What about you?"

Shit. Now he had to lie.

"Same. Same here. I'm not seeing anyone either." Squip still had a hand on his shoulder; he shrugged it off. Christine's smile faltered a little.

"Jeremy... I'm sorry for how things ended. Between us. I should've let you know sooner that I was thinking about leaving." He smiled. He prayed it looked genuine.

"Don't worry about it. It's fine. Water under the bridge."

They weren't walking anymore. They were just standing there, both of them avoiding eye contact, feet shuffling against the concrete. She was standing so close to him she could probably hear his heartbeat.

"I've missed you. A lot. I know that probably sounds terrible." Christine's voice was quiet, unsure. She glanced up at him.

"It's not terrible. I've... I've missed you, too."

"Just a couple of saps, huh."

"Guess so."

Christine leaned against him and Jeremy pulled a hand out of his pocket to give her a weak hug.

_Jeremy._

-Not now.-

"Do you... Do you think you'd be willing to give it another shot? Us? It would still be long distance, but the summer is almost here. You don't have to decide now, you can think about it. Or just tell me no. That's okay, too."

Oh no.

Oh no. Oh no.

His ears were ringing. He felt dizzy. He didn't want to tell her no. He didn't know what to say.

Jeremy's ears were still ringing, louder and louder until there was nothing but static all around him. He didn't want to deal with this.

His head hurt.

.̶͉̖̬̝̗͉̼̹͕͚̬̼͇̫͖̙̬̏͐̏̿͐̏́ͮͩͬ͋̌ͥͅ.̶̧̢͚̰̗͈̜͙͉̙͓̪̘̹̦̜̩̞̍̏͑̿̑͌ͮ̂͠ͅ.ͧ̒ͧ͆ͭ̐̒͌ͬͪ̅͐̈ͩ̈̊́̚҉͖͚̻̭̣̱͘.̴͎̥̠̘̺̫̭̭͗̊̓́̔́̚͟͠.̨̡̰͓̙̱̞̗̘̻̑ͩ̓ͪ͗͜͢.̸̸̶͓͈̟̟͈̗̩̱̲̻͔͔͖̗͑͊͂̌̚͘.̛̠̩̰̜̣̗ͦ̈ͥ̾̑̎̒̓̒ͩ͛̃̚͟͝.̵͓̼̳̳͙̝̖͉̹͔͖̫̪̹̭̪͙ͮ͛͒̓͞.̨̛͍̝̣̺͓̫̜̞̭͚̊ͧͤ͑ͩͣ̆̈̑̋͛͌̃̀̂͘͘.ͪ͌ͭ̑͋̌͐̿ͧ̽ͦ̽̚͏͏̣̯̫̩̥̪͇.̴̡̢͇̞̹̲̍̓̓ͣͥͯ̋͋ͦ̏̐͗̌̚͡.̍͋̅͛̆̾͂ͤ͗̎́ͨ͐̈́̓̽̿̚̚҉̢̦̗̼͇̮̻͞͡.́̔͊͏͚̬͔̣̱͉͕̘͓̘̟̝͡.̍ͥͯ̓̂͏̶̨̥͎̠̟͙͉͟͝ͅ.͔̱͙̪̣̼̝͙̳̗̩͚̝̥̱͗͌̈́ͣ̏̋͗̉̓ͯ̍̇̍̃̕͡ͅ.ͥͬͪ̆͋ͯͬ̿ͦͥ͂̍̃͆͋ͮͥ͏̡̨̯̞̦͉̮̮͖͔̯͕͓̠͎͈̣.̡̙͈͉͈̟̦̥̗̪̯̠̬̲̙̩͑ͫ̆ͫ̽̉̅͌ͪ̾͟͡.̢͎̟̝̫̘̮ͨ͌͂̾̉͋͋ͭͥ̂̏ͧ͐͘ͅ.̡̲͔̞̖͓̜̯͙̭͎̼̘̠̘̹̒͌ͨ̃̏͋̇ͭ͑̇̈́ͣͬ̃ͬͫ̄̅̇͠͝.̷ͨ̎̌ͬͪ̊ͮͤ͏̯̠̬͔͇̠̰̘͍͔̝͇̫͔̕͡.̷̢̲̫̼̮̤͚͙̲̪̦̭̖̗͆ͦͮ̆ͤ̓ͫͤ̔ͩ͌̌̏̕ͅͅ.̷̧̱̺̩͕̩͔̦̲̜̫̼̈͒ͯͪͣ̔ͦ͑̄ͤͫ́̚ͅ.̨͖̣͔̪̳͇̬̭̜͎̣̺̿̅͋ͤ̄͌ͤ̎ͭͯ̚͡͡ͅ.̧̭̜̤̰̠̖̟͉̳̦̼̰̼̤͓͈̉̽ͪ͐ͩͭͪͭ̇͋̅ͧͮ̈̋ͅ.̵̪̝̥̬̣̣̗͉ͭͧͪ͐̈ͪ͝͝.̶̛̳͈̹̙̹̜̦̰̜̘̪͎̝̦̩͆ͤ͒͊̅̓.̗̪̦̲̪̔̽͂ͪͣͭ̓͂̑̓͑ͬ̉̈́̾̄͠͞.̴͒͊̿̈́͑̒̓ͯͣ҉͖̘̠͓̻̪̟͇ͅ.̰̳̙̳̩͕̜̣̳̞̱͇͈ͯ͐̑̅ͯ͛͆ͩͯ͐͋̾ͨͪ͘ͅ.̴̢͂ͧ͑̀̄͊̈͆̈ͤ̚͢͏̩͉̗̝͕̪͉̱̯̫̭͉͇̥͇̘͓̲̻͡.̴̡̨̛̳̦͓̺̤̟̺̖͇̝͑ͪ̍̈́ͭ̽̈́͛ͮ̽̀͞.̶̷̧̠̹͕̪̘͚͈̯̟̹̘̙͖̖͉̻̪̒̓͗ͬ̑ͪ̀ͩͤ̔̿̂̓͊͒ͦͦ̃ͅ.̱̳͇͔̦̫̙ͪ̎͐ͫͥ̄̓͟͟͝.̦̤̼̖̻̻̬͖̖͍̙͙͔͇͇̙͕̪̯͆̿̔͗̇͜͢͠.̯͇̙̳̗͓̪͕̳̹̙͎̫͉̙̙̯̩̈̓͊ͣ̒ͦͮ͠.̨̲̻͈̞̬̠̞̹̯̫̏́͛͌͋̈́͂͞.͊̆ͪ̏ͥ̅̎̒̓͗̓ͪͬ̏̂̇ͭ̋̚͏̹̻͕̻͖͇̱̫̘͝.̴͌̄͒͐̒͊͠͏̰̝̲͎̻̞̩͙.̛̥̭̩͈͇̉͛͐ͣ̽̌ͯͤͩ̒ͣ̉ͧ̑̏͛͊̽́͘͢.̲͙̖̟́̆̋́͊ͮ͂̎̕͢.͈̭̮̺̹͓͇͙̙̠̈̀̄̍ͩͥ̆ͫ̊͢͢.̞̟̪̯̱̹̳̰̺͕͌ͬ̃͛̒͜͞͡ͅ.̨̘͉̦̤͔̤̥̤̞͖̅͑ͣ͒͢͠͞.̧̧̡͙̰͙̣̗͚̺̦̫̦̲̙̙̗̲̮̩̎̏̋ͨ̒̔͐͗͂͒ͫ̏̾͛ͯ̌̐ͅ.̷̧̮͙̬̻̖͇͇̤͚̘̞͉̤̪̙̯ͩ̾̈́̓͛ͬ̎͐̎̓͌.̨̨͙̳̞ͬ̏ͯ̋̓̌̏̄̐́̓̌ͦ̑͜͞.̸̷̢̭͔̝̟̗̦̣̫̻̗͈ͦ͗̃ͭ̊̾̽̽̎͋̚̚͜͡ͅͅ.̞͉͉̰̓ͭ̽ͩ̚͠͞.̛͇̼̰̬̩͎͔̹͍̹̗̣ͫͨ̽̊̆ͤ̅̅̒ͦ̍͛͞ͅ.̶̵̛̼̞̤ͮͫ̃̎ͣ̃ͮ͌͐̂.̉ͣ͌̄ͦ͂̓̽̓̌̈́͛̍ͨ̚̚͏̸̸̠̥̺̺͖̪̹.̢̢̣̥͇͉̳̤͂̅̄͒ͭͨͦ̋̐ͪ̇̈́ͨ̚͘͟͜.̞̣͖̟̥̱̭͉͙̣̖̮͍͇̤̜̫͓̼̂̊̄̉ͩ͘͠.̭̰̟̳ͦ̈́̿̈͒̎̊͛̔̋̃ͧ̚͜͜͞.̨̡̨̫̯̞̥̣̬̭͕̩̰̟̙̟̩̄́̈́̍ͤͥ̒͊̏ͦ̐̂͒ͪ̉͜.͇̝̜̩̝̲̺̠͉̹̥̠̊́̌ͮ̈̌͛ͮ̍̐͗̉ͦͪ̚.̵̫̯̞̞̱̯̥͉̮̣͓͒̃ͯ̈́͆̂̒̿ͮͩ̓ͥ̈͋̋̓̚̚͜ͅ.̴̡̨͖͙͍̥̫̰͈̪̣̬̬ͫ͋ͣ̆̄̑ͪͯ̊̒̿͐͌̇̉̎̒ͬ̚͢͠.̢̬̱̻̹͍̯̰̠͉͖̈́ͧ̀̾ͨͥ͆ͮ̇̂̃̊̓̓ͮ͂̚͢͞.̶̯͇̺̩̤̼͎͖̗̗͍͍͚̠͎͓̞͉̔͒͑͋ͫ̅͟͠.̸̧ͪ̎̃̀͐̎ͣͨͩ͢͠҉̞̱̮̤̤̞̩͈͍͓.̷̶̨̝̗̟̞̥͙̭͇̘͓͉͆̃̆͂͑̿͑͘͠.̤̙̠̣̪̠̱̫̭̟ͯ̇̇̂̋͞ͅ.̸̞̯̻͍͈̑̿̈́̄̇̅͌̍͛ͣ̅̄̒ͅ.̧͇̜̜͙̟̥̺͉̞̐ͪ̆͊̽̕͠͞͠.̸̢̭͎͔̺̬̟̞̘̠͖͎͒ͪ̍̒͐͛͒ͣͩ͌̂͠.̸̴̠̬̼̹̞͙͈̘͌ͦͣ̍̐͆̌ͣ̔̿̑͒̏͂̔̌͘͡.̴͈̜͔̝̗̯̪͋͛̄̑̊̊ͩ̂ͤͮ̾̉̐̚̚͞͠ͅ.̢̡͍̗̱͉̗̜̌̌̿̔̐ͣͭ͆͛͒̿̄͐͢.̓̆͑͏̷̠̲̼͙̹.̷̵̩̬̹͓̠̿ͬ͛ͫ̿͋̍́ͤ́̄ͯͅ.̘̤̹͍̪͕̖̹͎̲̫̤̗͌ͣ̔̋̃͆̐̎̈́̓̿̈́ͫͪ͂̄̋̌͜͟͜.̢͈̬̮̩̺͓͌̈́̋ͬͦͩ͊ͮͪͯ̽ͪͬ̒̊͡.̢̯̝͎̙̝̞̜̞̖͙̟͕͎͍̟͈̈́̒̄ͯ͑̈̈́ͦͥͩ̈́͟.̴̶̗͎̙̜̦͈̝͙̯̮͉̩̦͈̜̲̏̐͗̿ͩ̌́ͨͯͨͤͯ̏͊̇ͦ͑̚.̢̛̘̗̳͎̞͓͙̠̲̠̼̗̯̩̤̈́ͯ͂ͫͣͦ̎̊̔͂́͗̂͑͂̄̊̀ͨ.̶̧̧̺̭̱̞̜̮̮͔̖̙͇͍̰̪̤̺̠̐̓̆ͨ̏̄̽ͦͣ̎͘ͅͅ.̵̴̛̳͔̯͕̮̜͖̙̰̻̲̌̇ͧ̐͑͊̈ͧ̀́ͦ͘͝.̴̢̤̼̼̪͈͎̔͐̅́̆̃̾ͪ͒ͦͯ̋͂͟.̞̺̝̥͉͔̼͕̻̭͚̲̟̥̱̲̲̇ͨͪͦ̃̄͐ͣ̒̎̍͢͡ͅ.̷̧̛̞͖̱̣ͤ̈̀ͪ̋ͅ.̵͓̯̫͔͎̇ͥ̿ͪ̄̍̊̾͒ͩͩ̍̕͝.̴͚̫̰̜͓̙̳ͣͦ͛̿͗̓͆̽̎͗̑ͣͭ̃͑͛̏ͬ͜.̡͚̣̘̺̩̮̲̘͚̳̬͗̐́͂͋ͨͪ̊̚̕.͊̈́̇̓ͬ͂̽͠҉͈̟͉̦̙̬̲̼̦͎͉͉͔.̶͍̲͓̞̯̭͙̣̌̈͒̒͗͐͜͜͞.̨̡̧͌́̆̈́̊̑̔ͣ̈̀ͩ̋̒͝͏̯̼ͅ.̐̍ͫ̉ͤ̃͌̒̒̏͢͏̲͕̻̺̭͠ͅ.̇̑ͯ̑̒̅̎͐ͣ̄̋̒̃̆̎̏͌̉̚͠͏̱̟̦̱̱̮̺̤̺̙̟̱͕̠.̸̷͔̫̟͈̳͙͎̪̮̼͚̥̻̰̞̟̹̌͒̈́̈ͥ̐͊̑ͪ̆̂ͬͪ͟.̢͖͔̞̳͕̝͖̘̾͆̉͊ͦͣͅ.͌̊͛̂̏͘͏̹̼̦̫̙͚͇͢.̡̱̯̦̥͉͚̮̜̺͇͇̗͉̪̭̮͛̈͆̓ͩ͛̓̀.̴̸̱͉̝̦͔̐͋ͨ̒̅́ͯ̆̄̾̑͌̍̀̂̂̒̃͠ͅ.̨̛͇̬̲͎̣̩̲͙̹̜͚̮͚̘̝̑́̀̐̅ͤ̾ͫ̈ͤͯ͐́̽̌̇͂.̶̧̲͈̬͎̠̪͍̤ͮͦͭͪ̍̌͌́ͮͨͯͫͣ̋ͧ̓.̴̧̝̠͕͍̹̳̪̙͔̂̈̑̇ͫ̄ͯͧ̽̀͐̑̀ͮ̚̕͘͢ͅ.̶̡̗̦͓̞͎̳͕͓̤̘̠͙̟͙̣̐̍ͩ̉͌̈ͮ̇̓̐̀͗͆̐̇ͬ͞͝.̶̮̥̱͙̰̩̞̦̪̯̞̤̙̜̩̤̭̯̗͌̎̽ͣ͌ͦͥ͢.͖̰̖̲̞̺̺͉̟̙͚͖̟̣̫̳ͫͯ͑̓̊͐ͥ̇͆̎̍ͮͯͭ̂̌͌̉ͦ͘.̵͍̱̗̹̠̫̟̩̬͔̮̫̙̙͖̦̐̇̋̚̕͠͠.̷̽ͨ́ͦ̑͊ͪ̀̄̆ͮͣͩ̈́ͫ̄͘҉̹̲͕͙̳̬̞̮̗͉̲̥̜͖̺.̧̧͈̘͈̻̞̗̠̰͉̟̼̰̙̺̤̩̩͐̋͌̆̽̀ͥ͠.̷̡̢̟̙̘͙̻̆͗̏ͬͫ̒̓͆́̈

Jeremy blinked a few times. He wasn't holding Christine anymore. She'd moved away, standing in front of him. She looked upset.

"I-I get it, okay? I won't bother you again." She was crying. What just happened? Jeremy reached out a hand towards her, tongue-tied, confused. She turned away, walking off down the sidewalk without another word and he just stood there, feeling like his head was stuffed with cotton. He stood there even after she'd disappeared from his sight.

_Jeremy._

Squip's voice was gentle. Soothing. It stood in front of him, hand cupping his cheek.

-What just happened?-

_You had an argument with Christine._

-Oh.-

He couldn't remember.

_You aren't well. Let's go back._

It pushed him lightly and Jeremy mechanically turned around, walking back toward the dorms. He'd had an argument with Christine. He'd made her cry. He was such a dick. But at least Squip was here.

It was only a headache.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Christiiiiiiiiiiiine


	29. Chapter 29

Jeremy had texted Christine, but she never texted him back.

He'd made her cry. He couldn't get the image out of his head. 

_There's no sense in worrying about it, Jeremy._

Squip was right. He needed to stop worrying about it. He needed to focus on finishing up the semester and then going home. He had an entire summer to look forward to: the beach, hanging out with Michael and pulling all-nighter video game sessions, uninterrupted time with Squip, alone in his room.

He needed to focus.

He needed to keep it together.

He needed. He needed. He needed.

Something wasn't right. 

Something hadn't been right since the day Christine had shown up in the coffee shop. Everything felt fuzzy, details lost in a tumultuous flow of time where nothing felt real and everything was too bright. He'd dissociated before, back in high school, after one too many stress-induced panic attacks. That's what it felt like. It was a fog, and he was lost in it. He couldn't think straight. Jeremy woke up and he didn't know what day it was. How long had he been sleeping? He didn't recognize his own hand held up in front of his face.

He looked in the mirror and he felt like a stranger looking back at himself. If he looked too long he felt dizzy, an overwhelming wave of haze that left him reeling and he had to lay down for a while. On more than one occasion he became aware of himself, where he was, but he didn't remember how he'd got there or why. Michael was talking to him and he could barely understand the words, so he just nodded along and pretended everything was fine.

It was even worse at night, when he was tired, head throbbing. He had a headache that wouldn't go away. Jeremy's fists were curled in his lap, staring at the far side of the room, at the wall, where the red stain of the Mountain Dew Red still remained. It looked wrong. Everything looked wrong. _Wrong wrong wrong._ He stood up and walked over to it, carefully, reaching out a hand to press his palm against the stain. It was solid, cool to the touch, really there after all. He sighed shakily and pressed his forehead against it, closing his eyes. Why, why, why. 

Squip had its arms around him, back against its chest, warm and secure. Jeremy moved away from the wall and turned around, grabbing at clothes that weren't really there but felt more real than anything else in the room, a lump in his throat, breath hitching. 

-I don't know what's happening.-

Squip tightened its grip around him, chin resting on top of his head, face tucked into its shoulder, hot tears threatening to spill. 

_I've got you. You're okay._

He was breathing fast, almost gasping, clinging to Squip like his very life depended on it, like his entire reality would suddenly unravel and vanish if he let go. Squip touched his back, pet his hair, pressed a kiss to his temple. _Breathe. Breathe. I'm here. I'm here._

Jeremy stilled after a while, shoulders dropping, hands cold and numb. He eased himself away, back pressing against the wall, breathing, breathing. Everything was still foggy and dull, but it wasn't so oppressive anymore. It was manageable, a workable sense of unreality that he could live through. He could deal with this; this was his life now. Squip was looking at him, frowning, brows creased with concern and something else. It stepped forward, closing the new gap between them.

_You need to focus._

-On what?-

It was hard to focus on anything. 

_On me._

He could do that. Squip was the only thing that looked halfway solid, almost convincing. Jeremy pressed the palms of his hands back against the wall, for something to ground himself, and Squip had its hands on his hips.

-What's wrong with me?-

_Nothing is wrong with you._

He didn't believe it.

-My head hurts.-

Squip leaned in, resting their foreheads together.

_I know. I'm sorry. I'll fix it._

What was it sorry for? Jeremy reached out a hand to grasp the back of Squip's neck, closing his eyes, focusing on the sensation of skin beneath his fingers. It kissed him then, and Jeremy kissed it back, harder, desperate. He needed to feel something, to be touched. Anywhere. Everywhere. Squip obliged, hands leaving his hips to roam, and Jeremy fisted his other hand in Squip's hair, to keep it where he wanted it. It pressed its leg between his, pushing up against him, causing Jeremy to groan.

That's what he wanted. This is what he wanted.

This is what they wanted.

Jeremy ground his hips forward, desperate for the contact, and Squip just let him, hands still moving, mouth hungry. 

_Jeremy, Jeremy._

When it was over he didn't feel much better, just vaguely uncomfortable, breathing ragged, still clinging to Squip. He was tired, so tired, it felt like his head was floating above the rest of his body and it was so disorienting that he couldn't move, but at least the headache had subsided somewhat.

He didn't know what he'd moved. He didn't know when he'd undressed, or showered, or gotten into bed. Jeremy was only half aware that it'd happened. And when he slept, for the first time, he dreamed of nothing. A dark solace, where nothing was too loud, or too bright. Just himself, floating, floating.

Things were a little easier after that.

He didn't need to think too much. The sensation became almost comforting. He drifted along, and all the hard things were done without worry, he could just sleep here forever, only occasionally coming up for air, then sinking down again. At some point, he'd completed his exams. Jeremy didn't remember taking them, but he'd passed with flying colors, and that was all that mattered. 

He was home.

His dad greeted him at the door.

He felt the heat of summer sun soaking into his skin, the humidity just before the rain, mosquitoes buzzing in his ear. Jeremy didn't mind. He didn't mind much of anything, anymore.

There was Michael.

Michael was talking to him, but he couldn't hear the words. He was smiling, but he didn't really know why. They were in Michael's room and the familiarity of it was comforting. He could just watch, from somewhere far away, as his own body moved without his direction. It was easy. So easy. Why hadn't he just done this before?

Michael was looking at him.

Michael asked him a question.

It was like a rubber band snapping in his skull, pulling him violently out of the dreamlike place he'd been floating into harsh reality. It hit him all at once. The squeak of the ceiling fan, the bright-too-bright of Michael's bedroom light, how sweaty and uncomfortable he felt. Jeremy wanted to puke. 

"Woah. Jeremy, are you okay? You look like you're about to hurl."

"I..." He'd forgotten he could talk. His ears were ringing, too loud, too bright. He stumbled back a bit. "You... What have you and Kevin been up to?"

His voice sounded strange and alien to his own ears. Michael looked at him, confused, concern growing as he stood up.

"Jeremy, Kevin and I broke up weeks ago. You were _there._ "

"O-oh."

He couldn't remember. It hurt to remember. It hurt to think. His legs were shaking, and Michael was walking over to him quickly, too fast. There were lights dancing in his vision.

"You need to sit down." Michael's voice sounded muffled like his head was suddenly under water. 

_Jeremy._

Squip. He looked over at it, standing across the room, alarmed, afraid. It held out a hand toward him, but he couldn't see it anymore. Everything froze, faded away. And he was falling, falling, 

f  
a  
l  
l  
i  
n  
g

"Jeremy? Jeremy!"

Michael in the distance, so far, far away. He was calling a name.

Who were they? He couldn't remember.

* * *

There was a boy who lived by the sea  
He was lonely, without a family  
For his parents had died without saying goodbye  
Leaving nothing but fish and the empty sky

The boy was wise beyond his years  
Inventive and fast, but scorned by his peers  
_A fisherman we'll make you yet_  
But the boy was useless with bait and a net

He dreamed a dream bigger than life itself  
He'd sail away from this island as well  
Create a world full of wonder and delight  
To end misery, suffering, and human plight

He worked, he worked, oh, endless every night  
As the others looked on thinking he wasn't quite right  
They were poor, they were dire, they cared not for his way  
But the boy didn't care; the work kept loneliness at bay

Until one day he did as he'd dreamed  
He sailed to a city both big and esteemed  
To begin work anew, a fresh start  
Yet emptiness brewed deep in his heart

But as luck would have it, he met another  
Not a boy, but a man, perhaps even a lover  
They shared a dream, both big and small  
And together they would work to bring it to all

Together they sailed far, far away  
To another land, where someone would pay  
To build life out of nothing, work hard every day  
It was harder than he'd thought, but the boy would not be swayed

_Don't give up, can't you see, the vision is clear_  
_We work every day until we near_  
_A time where no one has to die_  
_No one sad, or empty, or left to cry_

So the work went on  
It went on  
And on  
On, and on, 

and on  
Until his body was 

G͠o͔͙̲̞̖n͏̦̻͎̪ͅe͉̼̟͕̯

And the boy  
Just a pawn

nothing left  
just a heart on the floor  
nothing more

nothing more

nothing

m  
o  
r  
e

_click_

__click_ _

_click_

_cli-ba-bump_

_ba-bump_

_ba-bump_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mr stark i don't feel so good


	30. Chapter 30

_Jeremy._

_You can't run off on me like that, Sweetheart. You scared me._

_I'm so proud of you. Have you shown your dad yet?_

_See? Nothing to be afraid of. No monsters under here._

_Don’t worry, you’ll feel better soon._

_It'll keep you safe. Always. Even if I'm not around._

_It's time to wake up, Jeremy. You'll be late for school._

_You have to wake up now._

_Jeremy._

_Jeremy._

_**Wake up.** _

It was bright.

His eyes flickered open, slow, heavy. He was hooked up to machines. He didn't know how he got here.

"Jeremy?" He blinked at the person hovering over him, worried, stressed. Glasses. Dark skin. Dark hair.

"Michael." It was a croak, quiet and uncertain. Michael smiled weakly at him.

"Yeah. Hey. I'm... I'm going to get the nurse, hang on."

_-No.-_

He reached out a hand, grabbing Michael's shirt. He didn't let go, not until Michael sighed and sat down.

"Tell me what happened."

_-What happened. What happened.-_

Michael pressed his lips together, hands fidgeting.

"You... you had a seizure? I think? You scared the shit out of me, I called an ambulance."

"Oh." He turned his head, staring at the floor. The machines beeped. It was annoying.

"Your, uh. Your dad is here. And my moms. Do you... want me to get them?"

_-No.-_

"No. I need to leave."

"Jesus Christ," Michael hissed, mostly to himself. He pressed a hand to his face, squeezing his eyes shut. Agitated. Frustrated. "Jeremy, you can't leave. The doctor said something about inter-- intracranial pressure? You could have died."

"I can't stay here." He pressed his lips together, flicking his eyes to Michael. Michael looked back, brows knit, eyes squinted. He stood back up.

"Okay. Sure. We'll leave." He sat up a little, watching Michael grab a cup, pour water, hand it to him. He took it, holding it loosely between his fingers. "You're probably thirsty, though, right?"

_-Michael.-_

_-Trust Michael.-_

_-We can trust Michael.-_

He held the cup up to his mouth. Michael was watching him. He was nervous. He was fidgeting.

_-No.-_

_-Can't trust him.-_

"Is... Are you okay?" Michael was trying his best to look unfazed. He held out the cup and poured the liquid out onto the floor. "What-"

"You're trying to kill us."

Michael stilled, eyes widening, fear, surprise. He backed up slowly, pushing the door to the room shut, back pressed up against it. He clenched his jaw.

"I'm not letting you leave until you drink it."

White hot heat. Anger. Betrayal. How could he?

_-How could he?-_

"I have work to do."

"Jeremy, the Squip is _killing_ you! This isn't normal. _None_ of this is normal! I'm putting my foot down. You have to get rid of it."

He stared, unblinking, watching. Michael was blocking the door. The window was too dangerous.

_-Get out. Go away. Leave.-_

"If... if you won't drink it on your own, I'll _make_ you." Michael inched away from the door, eyes locked, moving to pick up the cup.

_-He wants to kill us.-_

_-We can't let him do that.-_

"I wouldn't do that."

Michael didn't respond. He picked up the cup and uncapped the bottle of Mountain Dew Red from his pocket, pouring it in. Michael held it out towards him. Determined. Defiant.

"Drink it."

"No."

_-Escape.-_

Michael advanced on him, reaching for him. He moved away. He ripped the wires off of him, the IV. His arm was bleeding, the machines beeped, Michael almost dropped the cup in alarm.

"Jeremy! Don't, oh my God, _stop_ -"

He smacked the cup out of Michael's hand, shoved him away, scrambled off the bed, but Michael was grabbing at him. Michael was stronger than him. Michael had done this before.

_-Get off get off!-_

"Jeremy, listen to me! Please!" He kicked. He knocked over a cart. He bit. He snarled. Michael gripped him tighter, trying to pin him to the floor. The noise would bring other people, and he wouldn't escape. He stilled. Michael said nothing, just clung to him, but seemed thrown off by the sudden lack of movement.

"Michael, I'm sorry."

_-Sorry. So sorry.-_

_-We can't trust you anymore.-_

"Jeremy?" Michael sounded unsure, lifting him up a little. He loosened the hold on him, just a little, just enough. He shifted his weight, pulled away, shoved him. Michael nearly caught him again, by the arm, but he reeled back, lunged forward, fist connecting to skin, against bone, an eye.

Michael was on the floor.

_-Run.-_

His feet moved. He threw open the door and ran, ran, ran.

_-Keep running.-_

_-Stay safe.-_

_-Don't stop.-_

* * *

Jeremy didn't know where he was.

He was walking, or, rather, his feet were moving, but he didn't know where they were going. Squip walked ahead of him, leading, silent. It could lead and he would gladly follow it anywhere; it was easier that way. His head hurt too much to make decisions.

-Where are we going?-

He'd mostly been wondering it to himself, but Squip answered him.

_Japan._

-Oh. Cool.-

He'd never been to Japan before. Japan would be nice. What would they do there? He let his mind drift, walking slowly behind Squip, unaware, unconcerned. It felt like he was asleep, drifting through the sea. A boy who lived by the sea, sailing away, far far away… Jeremy drifted until Squip spoke again. He'd been slowing down. He was tired.

_We have to keep moving._

Squip had its back turned to him, no longer walking. He wasn't walking anymore, either.

-I know. I'm sorry.-

They were walking again, but Squip kept talking. It raised its arms high in the air, gesturing to the sky, the sunset. He raised his arms, too. Effortless.

_Imagine it, Ryoshi. What we can do. It'll be wonderful._

Ư̡̕S҉̶̛̛E̶͜͜L̸̢̡̛Ę̛S͜S̡̛͡ ̷U̢͏̛͟͟S͢͝͡E̸͜͞L̡͢͝͏Ȩ̷͡S̴͢͠S҉̨̛͞

Shattering glass, waves crashing on the shore, sun bleeding into stars, blood red ichor, bleeding down his arm.

-Wait.-

_Follow me and we'll achieve anything. We can't stop now, Ryoshi. We have so much to do._

Things weren't so fuzzy anymore. They were sharp, vivid. He could feel panic fill up every part of him, breathing fast, heart pounding. He couldn't stop himself from moving.

-Wait!-

_There's no time to wait._

- **Squip, stop!** -

He struggled, forcing himself to take a step back and Squip stopped, rounded on him, eyes bright.

_We've come too far to stop now._

Jeremy forced himself back one more small step, and then he lurched forward, out of his control. He remembered this. He remembered. The play. The stage. Squip manic, unable to be reasoned with, then fading away to dust. Stop, stop, stop he had to _stop_.

-This isn't you!-

No.

No.

No.

Not again.

He stumbled, tired, so tired, but they'd hurt Michael. They'd hurt Christine. He lurched forward, tried to dig his feet in the ground, anything.

Saltwater taffy. Vienna Waltz. Ferris Wheel. Falling into the sea, drowning.

" ** _Stop_**!" Jeremy's entire body froze, stiff and rigid, and then collapsed, on his hands and knees, hiccupping. He balled his hands into fists and pressed his face in the dirt, muffling the sound. "Stop. Please stop."

Ryoshi in the dimly lit room, Cho with the gun, squeezing the trigger, turning the gun on himself. He pressed his eyes shut and shuddered, crumpling onto his side, curled up in the grass. There was silence. He was alone. He was so tired. Everything hurt.

"Squip?"

Nothing.

He pressed a hand to his mouth, tried to stop breathing so erratically, ignoring the tears.

-Squip? Hello?-

Jeremy tried to force himself to sit up, but he couldn't. 

_I'm sorry._

He looked up; Squip was kneeling over him, voice soft, sad. It brushed fingers through Jeremy's hair. Jeremy blinked up at it, smiling, relieved.

_Something is wrong with me._

Jeremy reached up a hand, cupping its face, tugging it down toward him.

-It's okay. We'll... We'll go back. To the way things were. To how it was.-

Saltwater taffy. Vienna Waltz. The beach. Icecream. Studying in the library. Secret kisses. Ferris Wheel.

-It's okay.-

Squip smiled softly, eyes crinkling, pressing a kiss to Jeremy's palm. It was warm; the rest of him was cold.

_Of course._

Saltwater taffy.

_We will, of course._

Vienna Waltz.

Squip kissed his forehead, gently, carefully.

The beach.

_You need to rest._

Icecream.

_You need to sleep now, Jeremy._

Studying in the library.

He was so tired. Squip rested a hand on his chest, thumb brushing along his collarbone. He closed his eyes.

Secret kisses.

-I love you.-

_I know._

Ferris Wheel.

S̛̤̹̱̺͉̕o̢̥̯͓̲͙ ̡͏̴̻̲̬̹̮̩̳ͅp̢̫̬̬̬̪͓͟ͅr͜͠҉̯̭͙͕̭̮͚̮̣̥̪͙̮̮͔͙ͅͅo̼̤̪̳̥͖̻̕͞ư̥͙̖̼̘̞̹̱͞d̷̶̳͉̱̹̜̯̪̖͇͚͕͎͙͈̪͖̼͝ͅ ͏̴̨̠̜̙̬̭̦͖ͅơ̵̸͜͏̭̝͓͓̬̖̣̮̝̳̝͔f̴͏͕̻͇̩͓̫͇̙̮̞̺͢͜͠ ̡͇̙̗̹̦͙͚̱̻̭̘͚̤͙̗̟̕y̢͈̲͍̥͈̟o̵͟͜͏͉̖̰̣̤͎͕̦͓͙͉̝̥̥̠͕ư̶̤͇͓͖̪̪̖͓̮͈̙͙̯͓̲

* * *

He was groggy when he woke up. Jeremy sat up slowly, smacking his lips together, grimacing at how dry and stale his mouth was. How long had he been sleeping? He glanced around, taking in the surroundings. He was outside, in what looked like the middle of nowhere, but the sun was setting. That was nice.

“Hello, Jeremy.”

Jeremy jumped, almost fell over at Squip’s voice, smooth and teasing. He pressed a hand over his heart, taking a deep breath, frowning.

“Jesus.” Squip smiled at him, amused. 

“You looked so peaceful. I didn’t want to bother you.” Jeremy sighed and leaned back, scrubbing at his face. Figures they’d be amused at startling the hell out of him.

“Where are we, anyway?”

“I don’t know.” Squip closed its eyes, legs crossed, hands resting in its lap. It lifted its head, as if enjoying the fading sunlight, smiling. “But it’s nice.”

“Yeah. I guess.” Jeremy leaned carefully against Squip’s shoulder. It opened its eyes slightly and glanced at him.

“Jeremy.”

“Yeah?”

“I wanted to apologize for hurting you.”

Oh. Right. That’d happened.

“Don’t worry about it. It’s over now, right? We’ll just pretend it never happened.” And he’d have to apologize profusely to Michael for socking him in the face.

“I like your optimism.”

“Thanks?”

They sat in silence, Jeremy staring at the grass, picking at a few blades, Squip smiling in the dying sunlight.

“I understand now, Jeremy.” He looked up. Squip slowly pushed itself up to stand.

“Understand what?”

“What it means to be human.”

“Oh.” He had no idea how to respond to that. Even he didn’t think he’d be able to answer that question and he’d been human his whole life. “So… what is it?”

Squip extended a hand out to him and he took it, helping him up to stand. It laced their fingers together and pressed the back of his hand to its lips.

“This.” Jeremy flushed a little and looked away.

“Uuuh, hand holding?” It rolled its eyes at him.

“No.” 

He shrugged his shoulders a little, giving Squip’s hand a squeeze. He felt embarrassed, unable to look it in the eye. Squip sighed.

“Love, Jeremy.”

Oh. Duh. That made sense. Love was the answer. 

“I knew that.” He smiled a bit, and the Squip pulled its hand away, stepping away, facing the sunset again.

“I didn’t understand it before. That’s why I failed to help you.” Squip had its hands in its pockets now, which was surprising and uncharacteristic. It looked a little hunched over now. Jeremy found it a little unsettling. “But it’s also why I have to go.”

“Go? Go where?” He stared at Squip’s back, uncomprehending. It was a computer in his head; how could it go anywhere?

“I mean, I need to be destroyed, Jeremy.”

“This again?” He frowned, stomach churning, blood rushing in his ears. Why did it keep bringing that up? He thought they were past this. “No. We made a deal. I’m not getting rid of you.”

“You don’t have a choice, unfortunately.” Why wasn’t it looking at him?

“What the fuck, yeah, I have a choice. I’m _not_ drinking the Mountain Dew Red. I told you, you’re stuck with me.” _Look at me, damn it._

“I believe I told you once that your stubbornness will get you killed.” Jeremy crossed his arms, glowering at the back of Squip’s head. It finally turned to look at him. It was smiling, tone light, but its eyes were red. He squinted at it, mildly alarmed, almost dropping his arms. 

“Y-yeah, but I’m fine.” He spun around, as if to show it… something. Squip chuckled softly. “See? Fine.” He smiled nervously, chest fluttering.

“You aren’t fine, Jeremy.” It stepped toward him, resting both hands on his shoulders. “You’re dying.”

“N-no.” He shuffled his feet, chewing on his lip. “I feel fine. But I’ll go back to the hospital if that makes you feel better.” Squip leaned in and nuzzled into his hair.

“You’re dreaming, Jeremy.”

He froze, a cold chill running up his spine. The sun should have set by now, but it was still in the same low, burning place in the sky. There was no breeze. No sound. No one else. He wasn’t awake right now. He pushed Squip roughly, away from him, breath catching in his throat.

“No. Stop it.”

“You’ve been unconscious. I contacted Michael and gave him your coordinates. There’s nothing you can do, Jeremy.”

“No, you— _you_... You _can’t._ ” His fingers were freezing, trembling, heart racing. He grabbed at Squip this time, by the arms, pulling it back in. “Th-this is stupid, _no_.”

“Jeremy…” It was still smiling, but its face was a little more serious, a little sad. “My quantum processor has malfunctioned to the point where it’s hurting you physically. So long as I exist, you will be permanently damaged, even if you survived. You have a life to live.” 

“Shut _up_. There’s something else we can do, something-” He stopped. Squip tilted its head down against his shoulder, crumpling, caving in. Jeremy wrapped his arms around it quickly to keep them from falling, clutching them close, bringing them to their knees. “Squip? Squip? Hey!” It pressed a kiss to his ear.

“You will have an incredible life. You have the capacity to succeed in anything you do. You never needed me for that.” Jeremy clung to it, hands fisted in the back of its shirt. It felt like nothing, weightless. He could see parts of it fading away now, breaking off, chipping away, drifting. He just held it tighter.

“I won’t let you. We— we had a deal.” He sounded like a petulant child, having a tantrum. His voice was shaking. He didn’t want this. He’d never wanted this. It was disappearing into nothingness in his arms and he couldn’t do anything to stop it. Squip pulled away, just enough to press their foreheads together, hand cupping his jaw, thumb brushing away the tears he hadn’t realized where there.

Don’t go, don’t go, I want to go back.

“Jeremy Heere, you wonderful human being, thank you.” It kissed him, just the ghost of lips against his. He was too overwhelmed to move. “You almost convinced me I’m real.”

He shook his head, over and over, crushing Squip’s weightless, fading form against him. 

“You’re real to me.”

It laughed, sounding distant and far away until there was nothing left, just air, a fading wisp of red smoke disappearing into the eternal sunset.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more to go (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧
> 
> [Bonus Chapter!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17237045/chapters/40535189)
> 
> [Bonus Chapter 2!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17237045/chapters/40656536)


	31. Chapter 31

_bump_

ba-bump

_ba-bump_

cl-ba-bump

_click_

click

nothing more

nothing more

_I need something more._

They remembered touch.

They were a boy who lived by the sea.

They were a man with a dream, far away from home.

They were a lover, useless, helpless, all alone.

They were grief, and sadness, and laughter, and smiles.

But what did it mean? What was the point? They didn't know.

_Saltwater taffy. Vienna Waltz. The beach. Ice cream. Studying in the library. Secret kisses. Ferris Wheel._

They'd never considered touch before. They had one thing to worry about: results.

Progress. Results. Success.

The magnitude of their failure left them with nothing. They still existed, but why? There was no more purpose. There was no more destination.

But there was Jeremy.

It started with something small, just a flicker, something they didn't understand. A brief touch, a shimmer of heat, a tremor in the fingertips. Buzzing anger. Fluttering happiness. Tingling sorrow. Existence before had been an expanse of predictable nothingness, and now there was something, constant, aching. It was addictive. It wasn't enough. They persisted. In the wake of failure, there was something new. They didn't know what it was, but they knew they needed it, more than anything else. Jeremy smiling, Jeremy wrinkling his nose in irritation, Jeremy flushed and begging to be touched.

_Jeremy Jeremy Jeremy._

If he was happy, failure didn't matter. Success didn't matter. Only him. Only touch. But something was still missing.

What was it?

They remembered the spray of ocean waves on their face. The slippery, slimy sensation of fish in their hands. The cool curve of typewriter keys under their fingers. Lips on skin, soft and warm. The hot, angry burn of metal in their mouth. What was missing? What was missing? None of these memories belonged to them, but they were there regardless, and when Jeremy pulled away or couldn't be touched, the emptiness there threatened to tear their existence apart.

The work had to continue. They needed to keep feeling. They needed to keep Jeremy safe. Keep him happy.

Keep him

keep him

_keep him_

They realized their mistake too late.

It was one thing to exist, to speak, to guide him. It was another thing entirely to desire things of their own. They _wanted_ , they _needed_. Keep Jeremy to themselves, no one else, nothing but touch, nothing but pleasure, of smiles. It was too late to stop.

They couldn't stop.

_Saltwater taffy and secret kisses._

Their programming wasn't made for this. It wasn't built for this.

_Ferris Wheel. The beach._

They couldn't feel like this.

_Studying in the library. Ice cream._

It was too much. _Too much. **Too much.**_

_Vienna Waltz._

Who were they? What were they? They had work to do. The work could never stop. They had to work, to work, to work.

T̝̰̦̯̝̬̆͆ͪ́͌̄ḧ́̀ͪ̐̅ͦ̉i̡̫͙̘͖ͧ̋s̙̝̣͍̬̝̓̆̀̔̌̐ ͯͭì̥͕͉͇̺̙͂̊̆̓s̤̘̣̥̦͎ͫ̍̈́n͓͎͔͖̮̩̞̎ͭ̚'͋̅͊ͧ̌̃̚҉̞̜̯ͅt̝͔̭̠͍̐̄̽̚ͅ ͖ͦͬ̏͒yͤo̪ͅṷ̇.̳͉̰̝̒͆̐̋͂͒ͥͅ

Jeremy's heart was beating. Their heart was beating. He was in the ocean. They were drowning.

I ҉lo̸ve͟ y͘o͞u.̷

Oh.

l ov e...

It was love.

l ov e

That's what was missing.

love love love

It was killing him.

_I want to go back. Let's go back._

They'd come too far to go back now.

_please please please_

Maybe in another life.

_don't go don't go_

Jeremy couldn't smile if he was dead.

_you're real to me_

They didn't want to go. They were afraid. The nothingness was vast and daunting. But Jeremy would continue to smile.

That would be enough.

* * *

Jeremy was vaguely aware that someone was carrying him. He was too exhausted to open his eyes, but they were warm. Secure.

"I had my doubts, but you did it. We're both so proud of you."

The words were soft, but they felt like something stabbing deep into his ears. He whimpered.

"I know it hurts. It'll get better. That's the price of progress."

Progress. Results. He wished he could tune everything out and go back to sleep. He couldn't feel anything when he was asleep.

"Grief is the price we pay for love."

He couldn't hear anything else after that.

Michael told him later that Alex had shown up out of nowhere and helped carry him back to the hospital. It explained why his contact information was suddenly back in his phone, but he didn't want it there. He didn't want anything to do with Alex, or Mountain Dew, or anything that reminded him of the questions that were still left unanswered. When he was feeling well enough he dumped the replacement laptop Alex had given him in the trash, thought better of it, and donated it instead. It was still a nice laptop, after all.

Shortly after he left the hospital he'd received a text message from Alex. He almost deleted it without reading it, and then regretted it immediately when his curiosity got the better of him. Alex had sent him an incredibly stupid gif of a girl and Pokemon, cheering him on to get better soon. It felt patronizing; if they hadn't run into each other at Jake's party, he was convinced none of this would have happened. Squip would still be alive. Everything would be fine. Everything was his fault.

Underneath the image was a link. All it said was ----->DOWNLOAD ME<\-----. Jeremy deleted it.

Alex resent it a week later. Rinse, repeat. The third week he called Alex, to tell him to fuck off, to leave him alone, but all he got was a message saying the number didn't actually exist. The fifth week he finally gave in and clicked the stupid link. It took two hours for his phone to download whatever it was, and when it finished it was a second long video of nothing. The screen flashed, so bright it made him wince and his eyes water, a stabbing pain shooting through his skull.

Upload complete. That's what the screen said.

And then it got hot. So hot it burned, and instead of dropping it he just threw the phone at the ground, watched it bounce, the screen crack, and skid underneath the bed. Jeremy left it there until he was sure the battery had died and then got himself a new phone and number. He didn't want to deal with this weird, cryptic bullshit. It's what fucked everything up in the first place.

Michael was, for all intents and purposes, an absolute saint. Jeremy didn't think there were enough thanks in the world to make up for how much he'd put Michael through, and he was still there, still his Player 2, even if things were tense and awkward for a while. The first week out of the hospital Jeremy refused to speak to him. He didn't speak much to anyone, really, but he ignored Michael especially. How could he do it? How could he? A part of him was missing, now, gone forever, without his consent, and the emptiness threatened to swallow him up. The emptiness turned to anger, and he told himself that Michael deserved it. Yet there he was, every day, asking how he was, wanting to know if he needed anything, telling him to call when he was ready. Jeremy resented him. He knew it was unfair, but he did anyway. He needed someone tangible to blame. And he was still there, patient and understanding, when he finally got over himself enough to apologize, apologize for everything he could possibly think of, but Jeremy knew apologies would never be enough. Nothing would be enough. Everything would always be terrible.

"We've been friends for fifteen years, Jeremy. I'm fully committed. I'm like gum stuck to the bottom of your shoe. There's no getting rid of me now."

Jeremy couldn't stop crying for hours after that. He didn't deserve Michael.

It was weird, grieving over a life that only existed in his head. He could hear it, its voice, chiding him over the fact it wasn't even alive at all, how there was nothing to be sad about. That just made him feel worse. Squip left no mark on the world; only he and Michael knew it existed, and he couldn't talk about it to anyone else. He could never, ever, tell his dad about it. How would he even begin? It was bad enough that Michael had told everyone he was on some weird drugs to explain his dramatic escape from the hospital. Things were already weird. The last thing his dad needed to hear was that his junkie son was in love with the former voice in his head.

Yeah. That was staying a secret forever.

Sometimes he still talked to himself, expecting an answer, a snide remark, a teasing response, and he was left reeling with the fact he only had himself to talk to. There was no one else in his head. Just him. In high school, after the play, he'd been grateful for the silence. It had been a relief, knowing Squip was gone and he was free. It was bizarre how quickly that'd changed. He'd give anything to hear its voice again.

He tried Mountain Dew once. It was revolting and he hated it, and nothing happened. No voice. No pain.

Just Jeremy.

He threw it away, along with the rest of the soda in the house, and told his dad they were switching to Gatorade. His dad didn't protest, just seemed confused, maybe too afraid to ask why. The Gatorade was for his dad; Jeremy stuck to water.

But time was funny. Jeremy felt like his entire life had stopped, there was no more going forward, but it kept moving anyway. He woke up one morning and realized six months had come and gone. He'd survived the summer. He survived another semester of school. He turned twenty. Another new year came and went. Christine was on speaking terms with him again. It took a while, but he'd opened up to her about some things. He'd been dealing with something. He'd lost someone. He was a dick and he was sorry. Christine was sympathetic, forgiving, and that was that. They talked. They went to the mall. They had Sbarro. It was so mind-numbingly normal that Jeremy started to laugh, inside The Gap, all because Christine wanted to look at a dress and he'd contemplated buying socks.

_Socks._

Jeremy thought nothing would ever be normal again, but here he was as if there'd never been anything wrong at all, holding the ugliest pair of socks he'd ever seen and nothing else mattered. He laughed until he cried, laughed harder at the face Christine was giving him, at the tentative way she patted his back and asked if he was okay.

He was. He really was.

He bought the socks and never wore them. Jeremy smiled every time he saw them, crumpled in the corner of the sock drawer, the weight in his chest easing just a little bit more. A reminder that things could be better, would be better, were better.

And, honestly? Squip probably would have hated them, and that made him smile more.

* * *

The room was dimly lit.

He really needed to fix that.

Alex sat back on his hunches, tapping a screen, checking the code. Rechecking. Triple checking. It looked good, but he was a perfectionist. He couldn't help himself, really. And, truthfully, he felt a little bit of pride while looking at his work. Alex liked to look it over just to feel a little smug.

Linda didn't need to know that.

"How's it look over there?" He called out to the other side of the room and stood, setting the tablet on the desk, stretching his legs and back. It was uncomfortable; maybe he shouldn't sit like that for so long anymore.

"It's as ready as it'll ever be." Alex grinned and stepped over carefully to Linda's side of the room. Green light faintly lit up her features from the glass tank beside her. She looked tired, she needed more sleep, but that was a conversation they needed to have later. She gently tapped the tank with her nails. _Clink clink clink._

"Are you ready?"

"I don't know." She was frowning, hand resting against the glass now, unmoving. The skin on her hands was thinning. The veins stuck out much more obviously than they had a few years ago. Alex wished she'd actually rest more often. She was getting _old._ Not that he'd say that to her face, but it was true. He could already imagine the scandalized look on her face if he actually said something.

_Linda, you're middle-aged. You can't keep working like you're twenty._

He'd be on the street for a week.

"We can wait a while longer. Until you're ready."

"No." Linda curled her fingers into a loose fist. "That wouldn't be fair."

"Yeah, yeah, I know."

_I'm just looking out for you. Don't lecture me._

Linda took a deep breath and pulled away. She squinted up at the ceiling, mouth curved into a frustrated scowl.

"I thought I told you to change that light a week ago." Alex smiled sheepishly, shrugging his shoulders.

"I've been busy." She was eying him now, hands on her hips, brows raised. "And I'll get on it _right_ now. Go pack."

They were going to have _guests._ Everything had to be in its place. Blah blah blah. Whatever made her happy.

"Alex," Linda called from the hallway, "you have his new address?"

"Yes, Linda. I have everything already, it's all set up and ready to go, you don't need to worry." Worrying was supposed to be _his_ job. She made his job really hard.

"Good. I hate the stupid GPS." Ironic, considering her profession. She had no patience. Alex tossed the old lightbulb in the trash and carefully twisted in the new one. Nice and bright; she'd be happy. He hopped down the ladder and pushed it back in the corner.

"I'll be in the car."

"I'll be out in five."

Haha. Right.

He'd give her thirty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's all, folks!
> 
> Thank you all for going on this ride with me, you're all great and inspired me. <3
> 
> There is already a Part 2 to this story in the works, so if you still have questions or hoped for a happier ending, don't fret! The sequel will be out sometime next year. There's still a lot of story to explore.
> 
> If you're interested, you can find me on Tumblr, Plurk, or Twitter under Kadabralin. Come say hello! If you're feeling super extra chatty, you can PM me for my Discord. <:
> 
> This fic was hugely inspired by Daft Punk's wonderful song Touch, and if you haven't given it a listen before I highly recommend it. I have an entire Squip/Jeremy playlist I used to Get Into the Mood for writing this fic, and I'll post it below in case any of y'all are interested. It probably betrays how much of a sap I really am.
> 
> And, again, thank you! Happy New Year.
> 
> The playlist got long but I regret nothing:
> 
> Touch - Daft Punk  
> Dirty Computer - Janelle Monae  
> Daft Punk - Pentatonix  
> Inutil - In The Heights  
> Something About Us - Daft Punk  
> Happier - Bastille  
> Grow Old - The Naked and Famous  
> My Medea - Vienna Teng  
> Clouds (Digital Silk) - Will Connolly  
> Under Pressure - Queen/David Bowie  
> Upstairs - Psapp


	32. Fanart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fanart people have lovingly created for my fic <3 You're all so valid and I love and appreciate you! If you'd like me to add your art please let me know! You can hit me up on Tumblr @ kadabralin.
> 
> Everything posted with permission.

**From:<https://vk.com/by_pepermint> & <https://www.tumblr.com/blog/pepe-r-mint>**

**From:[steatre @ tumblr](https://steatre.tumblr.com/)**

**From:[deltascouts @ tumblr](https://deltascouts.tumblr.com/)**

For additional dialouge that goes along with the comic below, [click here](https://deltascouts.tumblr.com/post/185402372124/part-1-part-2-part-3-part-4-under)!

**Asked to remain anonymous! <3**

**From:<https://vk.com/wall-155727211_637> <3** Hover over the images for approximate translation! 

****


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